A Look at the Funnies from 1994
I have a scanner. I got it for Christmas. So you should be expecting a lot of articles now where I scan something and then comment on it. The first article I wanted to do was about a page of the comics from my local paper that is lining the bottom of a drawer in my dresser. I was going to do it because it had a Star Wars comic, and that is totally rad. Unfortunately, I couldn't find it. Instead, I settled with a different, less rad comics page from 1994. It should still be entertaining to take a look at what comics were like 12 years ago, right? I mean, come on, I could find a way worse concept to write an article about. In fact, I think I have. Remember that thing I wrote about clementines? What the fuck was that? At least here you can read the actual comics and be entertained by that.
Hey look! It's Rerun, Lucy and Linus' little brother. Charles Schultz introduced Rerun about 30 years after all the other Peanuts characters so nobody ever remembers or acknowledges his existence. It's really kind of weird. You would think that the reason nobody had a chance to get to know him as well as the rest was because the comic ended soon after, sort of like how Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch was so underdeveloped because soon after he was introduced the series was cancelled and all cast members murdered. The thing is that Peanuts ran so long that even though Rerun was introduced late in the game he was still around for about 20 years, so people had plenty of time to get to know him. I'm going to put the blame on the fact that he's not very entertaining. Rerun strips are usually either him playing basketball or riding on the back of his mom's scooter, which looks awkward since you never see adults in Peanuts, so it just looks like he is sitting on a seat that isn't connected to anything and is flying through traffic because he was shot out of a cannon or something. I don't think Rerun even ever interacts with other people. If I was in charge I would have made him friends with Sally. Throw a little romantic triangle there with him her and Linus. I've been saying for years that the comics page needs more in common with soap operas.
I read someplace that Blondie has a staff of people who pitch ideas for jokes. This is probably because Blondie started 70 years ago and the original guy is dead. Think for a minute though, how sweet of a job that must be?
Writer: How about something about how much Dagwood likes to nap?
Other Writer: I like that idea, but I think we should throw in something about how he enjoys large sandwiches.
Other Other Writer: I got it, Dagwood wants to make a sandwich but it is so large he needs a nap before he eats it.
Head Writer: I love it, let's run with it.
I know that example doesn't apply to the Blondie that was in the paper. The one here is actually kind of creative. Dagwood totally owned that stupid diner guy.
Get it? Garfield is fat. Isn't it amazing how over ten years later Jim Davis can still keep this kind of humor fresh? Recently, I read a Garfield and in it he implied that Garfield was not only fat, but also that it was something he should not be happy about that situation. Then, later I read another and he totally nailed a joke about how Garfield eats a lot of food. It was great.
This is a pretty good gag, but for me the real treat of this one is the art direction. Most of the artists drawing funnies try to avoid racial stereotypes, but not Mort Walker. He makes a dramatic statement here, practically screaming “ASIANS HAVE NO EYES!” and it's true. Asian people have no eyes. They just have slanty lines on their faces. To compensate for the lack of sight, they use echolocation. This is why they are so good at ninjitsu and making electronics. Okay that made no sense, I apologize for that joke.
I bet Mort Walker was pissed when he drew this because he couldn't draw a more racist caricature of the black guy. I bet in the original draft he had huge full lips and was holding a watermelon. Then the guy at the syndicate was like “Mort, I love you but if we print this we'll get more letters, and there's a good chance the Black Panthers will kill you” so he had to be satisfied with a little afro under the hat and that mustache that all black people had during the 70s. It was only a little, but it was just enough for Mort Walker's lust for racism.
Cathy has way to much fucking text to read. Let me summarize it for you. After a vacation with Alex, Alex left some of his stuff in Cathy's bag. Cathy wants to spread it around her home so that people coming over will know she shared a room with somebody and most likely fucked him. This scheme is ruined because Alex wants his insulin and underpants back. Now you don't have to try reading it yourself. You're welcome.
In a related note, way to name not only your main character, but also the comic after yourself, Cathy Guisewite. You are totally modest…NOT! Ha ha burn.
Way to be a dick Hagar. He just wants to pet your dog. Chris Browne must be trying to make a comment about how much he opposes monarchy. He spells Brown with an "e" so he must be English. This is one big F you to the Queen. Kind of like when The Sex Pistols desecrated the picture of the Queen. The big difference is that people overacted to what the Sex Pistols did, and nobody cared what Hagar the Horrible did. It's just one of those comics that isn't good enough that people like it, but it isn't bad enough that people make satirical websites about it.
Just more proof that the Nazis were violent.
Bill Watterson really hates modern society. If Calvin and Hobbes is any indicatio,n he thinks that we are way to reliant on television and are harmed because of that. Usually, I get pissed at comics that try to teach me a lesson (fuck you Mallard Fillmore) but I let Calvin and Hobbes get away with it because the comic happens to kick major ass. From what I've seen on web comics, message boards, and Progressive Boink everybody on the internet agrees with me. Now if only I can get everybody to agree with me on television shows. Come on people, Home Movies was good, Assey McGee is retarded. Stop watching that and demand new episodes of Home Movies.
What the fuck kind of name is Hi? How do you greet somebody with that name? They won't know if you are saying their name or just saying hello. I bet he hears people saying hi all day and he turns to see if they are talking to him but they are actually saying hello to somebody else. Then it makes him sad because Hi leads a terribly lonely life. He is stuck in a loveless marriage with kids who hate him. He really needs a friend. Somebody he can get a drink with, and maybe share a hooker. The closest thing to a friend he has is his lazy neighbor, and that guy never wants to go see a game. He is too damn lazy. All he wants to do is lie in his hammock and make comments to his wife about how he doesn't feel like mowing the lawn. If it wasn't for his love of cocaine Hi would have killed himself long ago.
E-mail? Frank and Earnest had an e-mail address all the way back in the savage days of 1994. That's like learning about the doctor in the 1800s who realized giving patients arsenic to cure the flu might be the reason the patients keep dying. Bob Thaves was a rebel. He strode out past his colleagues and established an e-mail address in a time when they were still making comics making fun of people who watch lots of TV. It's at least reassuring that it's an AOL address. All people used AOL in 1994. If Frank Ernest used anything else it would be like that doctor from the 1800s not only not wanting to poison patients but also having a space ship.
I hope the dog's name is Andy and we can't see it because of the panel cuts it off, but the Mounty is literally holding him off of the ground. If Mark doesn't do as he says he might drop Andy a few feet, and it might STARTLE THE DOG!
“Ha ha Mark Trail, you were a fool. You underestimated the strength of the Mounties. You didn't know I could hold your Saint Bernard with A SINGLE HAND! If I dropped him now he would be VERY SURPRISED. I think you will see I have you in quite the precocious situation. I have my right hand on your dog, and the left one metaphorically cupped around your testicles, ready to squeeze them tight. No, I don't think you are any situation to worry about solving the mystery of the Birdband's Bible passage. Not if you care about Andy, MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
This particularly Far Side works for every age group.
0-10: It is funny because it features the word "butt"
10-17: It is funny because it features the word "erect"
17+: It is funny for the actual joke.
This would be interesting if it was about a band people cared about. Nobody cares what some lame 50s band use to call themselves. They should have picked a cool band, like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Here are some names they considered*
1. 100% of Whoop
2. Rock the Cock: The Adventures of Flea
3. Nocturnal Rockmissions
4. Jimmy Hit and the Hip Trips
5. Funkamentals
6. Blood Bone.
*Source: “Stolen documents from Anthony Keidas's van”
So that is the end of the comics. Were you entertained by reading this article? I know was entertained by writing it, but I've also been drinking grain alcohol. Not just now while I've been writing the article either. I've been drinking it all the time, so the damage to my brain has lowered my expectations. Tune in next week when I will scan something else and comment about it. Will my commentary be sarcastic and derogatory? You'll just have to tune in and find out.