The Greatest Full House Fan Fiction Eva'!I'm not certain, but I think I started writing this in 2003. I recently found it and it was about a third of the way done, so I decided to finish it four years later. I then remembered why I stopped writing it, I didn't know who to finish it without it getting gross and stupid. Oh well, I haven't written a new article in a while and I have nothing else ready. I would have something else, but I was too busy over the holidays enjoying my car not working.
The portrayal of Uncle Jesse may be heavily based off of the great website, What Would Uncle Jesse Do, but I don't see how anyone can watch Full House and not see Uncle Jesse that way. It is like reading the New Testament and not realizing that Jesus has magic powers. In any case, I won't be paying the author of that site any money.
The Cast of Characters
|Nicky and Alex,
Jesse and Becky's twin sons
Danny Tanner had a hard day at work. Being a pimp means taking on a lot of stress, and today Danny Tanner, father to three girls and pimp to 235 hookers, had to deal with one of his whores who was not bringing in enough money. He stabbed the ho in the ass to learn her to bring in the bacon, but now the bitch is going to be out of commission until she heals her ass, and won't be able to bring in any money! How can she make money until she heals from the punishment she received for not bringing in money? It's a pimpin' catch-22.
Danny Tanner just wanted to forget his worries. He was home now, and it was time to relax this evening like he does every evening, sitting naked in the living room while drinking bottles of Southern Comfort.
Unfortunately, his attempt to relax was interrupted. Before he could get his pants off, his middle daughter, Stephanie Tanner, came running down the stairs to greet him. Stephanie was Danny's least favorite daughter, and everyday he thought about how he wished it had been Stephanie who was eaten by a shark instead of his late wife.
"Daddy, Daddy, you're home!" joyfully screamed Stephanie as she ran up to give him a hug.
Danny don't play that. He knuckle punched Stephanie in the head before she could touch him. Stephanie fell to the ground and looked back
"Daddy why did you-"
"Stephanie, go outside, " Danny interrupted. "And don't you dare come back in until I tell you to. You will sleep out in the doghouse tonight, and Comet will sleep in your room."
Stephanie didn't want to sleep outside, but she knew she'd get the whip if she disobeyed her father, so she left.
Now Danny had his pants off. His penis was whipped out when Becky Katsopolis, the wife of Uncle Jesse, aka The Sexiest Man Ever, entered the living room.
"Hey bitch, you like?" asked Danny as he grabbed his dick and waved it at her.
"Quack, I've seen better, quack" retorted Becky (who was dressed in a duck suit by the way), not the least bit fazed by Danny's vulgarity. "Quack, I get plowed by Uncle Jesse, and his man sausage is so big it makes yours look like a vagina, quack. Quack, It's humongous, quack. Quack, Sometimes he goes to the zoo so he can put the bull elephants to shame, quack. Quack, I wish it was up my ass right now, quack."
Danny would have admitted that Becky was right. He certainly wasn't much of a man compared to Jesse. But Danny wasn't listening, as by now the liquor had taken over his system and he had blacked out, lying naked on the floor in the same position as Jesus on the cross.
Becky waddled back into the kitchen.
DJ Tanner and Joey Gladstone came downstairs. They ignored Danny's passed out body, stepping over him and sitting on the couch. DJ placed her science project on the counter.
"This is sure to win me first place," DJ said happy that she was sure to take home the blue ribbon. "Thank you so much for helping me Uncle Joey."
"No thanks is necessary," Joey said. "I'm just glad to help out my favorite niece."
"Favorite niece! Why thank you Joey. Um...Uncle Joey?"
"Your hand is rubbing my leg."
"Oh is it?" Joey tried to pretend that he didn't know. "Silly me, I was thinking that was an ottoman. Oh. I'm so tired. Yawn. Yes, yawn."
Joey pretended to yawn, and as he did so, his arm moved from DJ's leg to stretched above his head to around DJ's shoulders. DJ was uncomfortable, but she didn't want to say anything to Joey after he helped her with her science project. There were a lot of things over the years that the girls did not mention concerning Joey. DJ still remembered when Stephanie and she were very little and still shared a room and one day they noticed that someone had messed around in their underwear door. Much of their little girl underwear wet with trails of a gooey substance. At the time, they had assumed Michelle had done that, perhaps she was pretending to be her older sisters and had spilled some of her milk on them. Yes, that has to be it, they told themselves, hoping for something to believe in besides the awful truth they knew deep down but not wish to believe and certainly not say out loud.
It was not until years alter that DJ learned the substance was semen. DJ had been well versed in the taste and texture of semen, specifically her boyfriend Steve Hale's. Steve loved it when DJ went down on him. DJ was fine with it too, for Steve had a very small penis, only an inch erect and thus too small to pleasure her vaginally, so she took to oral sex to avoid the awkwardness. Steve, for his part, was aware of his shortcomings, but tried to tell himself that it was not really that small and it would grow as he got older. That is what he told himself whenever DJ sank to her knees, undid his pants, and searched out his manhood with her thumb and index finger. Steve took out his frustration on DJ and too feel more like a big man, he would grab her head tightly and shake her so violently when he climaxed that he pulled out strands of her hair.
Stephanie, too, knew feeling of a man's liquid inside her, not from a loving relationship with a boy her age, but from something no young girl should have to endure. Especially not in her own home.
Joey broke the silence between them by bringing up old times. "Hey Deej," he said. "Do you remember when you were very little and I help you take baths? I would undress you and lift you into the tub and wash you. Sometimes I would even get in the tub with you and do my cartoon impressions. You found those so funny."
DJ didn't think the impressions were ever funny. "Um...yes I do," she replied, facing away from him. "I also remember my mom got really mad when he saw us and wouldn't let you give me baths again."
"Well good thing she is out of the way then," Joey said. "Hey, DJ, in a unrelated note, did you know that the age of consent in California is 16 and I am not even your biological uncle?"
DJ was never so glad to see Kimmy Gibbler come inside as when she did that moment.
"Hey DJ," Kimmy said the moment she opened the door to her only friend's house. Kimmy saw Danny on the floor and remarked that Mr. T must have had a hard day a work.
DJ and Kimmy proceeded to her bedroom. DJ had to exert a bit of force to get of the couch and out of Joey's grip before he got the hint and let her go. He cursed under his breath and made a note to visit Stephanie.
Kimmy was one of those friends that DJ did not like all that much, but they had known each other since they were little and DJ didn't have any good reason to get rid of her, so they stayed friends. It was the same situation that kept Danny and Joey friends through college.
The girls sat on the bed n DJ's room and began their conversation. The topic quickly moved to Steve and how sad he felt ever since learning that he was adopted.
"Steve is really upset that he doesn't know who his real parents are," said DJ, "and he really wants to find out who they were."
Meanwhile, down in the kitchen, Becky was preparing dinner (while still in her duck suit) when little Michelle Tanner, Danny's youngest daughter, came up the stairs from the basement bedroom where Joey resides.
"Quack, Michelle," Becky said sternly, "What were you doing down there, quack? Quack, You know you are not allowed in Joey's room, quack."
"But Uncle Joey said I could come down there anytime I want," replied Michelle in her small child's voice. Down there, she had seen a box with a white robe and picture of Joey with other people in front of a big fire. She was going to ask Becky what that was, but her young attention span had already forgotten it.
"Quack, Yes but you really shouldn't be down there, quack. Quack, Please, quack," pleaded Becky, wanting to help Michelle while still maintaining her part in the secret no one wanted to state out loud.
"Ok, Aunt Becky," said Michelle as she left the kitchen and entered the living room. She placed a blanket on her naked father's body and sat on the couch to watch Scooby Doo. Joey was also on the couch. He did not try to touch Michelle as he too was engrossed in watching Scooby Doo.
Becky had dinner ready. Joey, DJ, Michelle, and Kimmy were seated at the table. Steve came over as DJ's guest looking very glum and dressed all in black, including eyeliner and lipstick. Danny woke up in time for dinner and took his place at the table. He was still naked. Becky waddled around the table serving everyone and then sat down. From outside, Stephanie looked sadly through the kitchen window, tapping it to get everyone's attention. Danny threw some bits of dog food into the yard for her to eat and then closed the curtains.
"Quack, does everyone like their dinner, quack?" asked Becky.
After several minutes of silence, DJ was the first to speak up. "Um, Aunt Becky, why are we eating worms and clumps of grass?"
"Quack, because that is what ducks eat, quack," replied Becky. "Quack, if you like, you can have some pieces of bread, quack."
"No thank you," said DJ, pushing her plate away. "I don't think I'm really hungry. May I be excused?"
"No," said Danny, "sit the fuck down and eat. This shit ain't so bad with a little bit of tequila. And by 'little bit' I mean 'a lot' and by tequila I mean vodka mixed with Hot Damn mixed with bleach. Fucking tasty."
"Hey mon," said Steve, "de way I is feeling mon, I could eat anyting. I be so sad because I don't know who me fadder and mudder is, mon. I is so sad that I became a Goth, mon."
"Steve just found out he was adopted," explained DJ even though everyone got the jist of Steve's problem just a second ago.
"Wow," said Joey in a Yogi Bear voice for no reason. Joey thought back to the one time in his life he had sex. It was in the 10th grade. He had taken an after school job at the cafeteria to pay for a new rubber chicken and box of joke birthday candles (Joey was never invited to birthday parties. He made himself a birthday cake every year and held a party for himself in his bedroom with all his puppets and Disney toys). It there that he caught the eye of the woman who scraped the grease off the hamburger and fry machine. She was 320 pounds and menopausal and Joey was impressed by her rough white whiskers. He loved to run his tongue through them and down the folds of her neck to her gray nipples and brown spotted belly gut.
They had sex just once in the storage freezer on top of a box of imitation pork chops. He shot one load between the fat folds of her left side and then Joey's half an inch long penis ejaculated into a woman for the first and only time. It would have been too short to pleasure anyone, but his partner's vagina had lost all feeling long ago and only opened for him because in its crusted, dried out state it was permanently locked that way. Joey sent into her only a minuscule amount of semen, no more than could coat an M&M (try to eat an M&M now, bitch) but it was enough.
Several months later, Joey's lover informed him she was pregnant and would put the child up for adoption. Joey protested, stating that he could care for the her and the child. He would get a job at the comedy club telling jokes in Bullwinkle's voice. His lover told him that wouldn't work because he wasn't funny.
Danny saw that Joey was deep in thought and threw a worm into his eye.
"Thank you sir," said Joey "May I have another?" Joey didn't have a job and got all his food and housing for free from Danny. In exchange Danny never missed a chance to remind Joey he was Danny's bitch. Danny threw a fork at Joey's face, lodging it in his cheek.
Just then a loud sound like a helicopter could be heard directly over the house. The whole house began to shake and pieces of the ceiling fell to the kitchen floor.. It gave way to a fifteen foot wide hole as Jesse Katsopolis descended from the sky wearing a leather jacket and jet pack. Along with pieces of ceiling, items from the second story such as the girls toys and beds fell to the kitchen. Jesse stayed about eight feet in the air as his jet pack stayed on. The fiery exhaust of the jet pack totally burnt Kimmy's head right off.
Everyone was excited to see Jesse back home and Kimmy dead. They all tried to hug him, but he kicked their necks back with his boot.
"Quack, Jesse it's so great you have you home, quack," exclaimed Becky. "Quack, by the way, may I take off this duck suit now, quack?"
"No babe," Jesse replied, "Remember what I told you: not for another 33 years or until I get bored, which probably won't be for another 32 years."
"Quack, yes sir, quack," said Becky. Becky waddled to the living and brought back Nicky and Alex, Jesse and Becky's twin sons. "Quack, would you like to say hello to our sons, quack? Quack, they miss you, quack."
Jesse gave Becky the stink eye. "I don't think those are even my kids," said Jesse. "They don't even have sweet hair." With that Jesse picked up Nicky and Alex by the feet and threw them into the sun.
"That's crunk!" yelled Danny as he crushed a beer can on his forehead. Everyone else was horrified. Michelle began crying uncontrollably so Danny picked her up and locked her in the basement. "I can't stand that noise."
Whenever Joey finds himself in a situation where he can't deal with people as an adult, or wants a cute way to seduce children, he takes out his woodchuck puppet and launches into a routine. Such as he did now, after seeing the two children hurled into the sun.
"Gee whiz Jesse why did you have to do that," Joey said in his woodchuck voice. "That jetpack...is it made of wood?"
"What the fuck man that isn't even funny!" yelled Jesse. "You are not funny. If you say one more word I'll stare at you until your face falls off. Now watch this, meatballs"
Jesse did a back flip in the air with his jetpack. The fire from the jetpack caught on the walls and the house was set on fire.
"Looks like I better take my leave of this place. Bye bye, losers," said Jesse as he powered up his jetpack and flew away the same way he came in. Everyone else ran out of the house. Becky's duck suit caught on fire and she waddled out of the house as fast as she could, flapping her arms and screaming "QuackQuackQuack!" like a distressed duck.
But Danny stayed at the table and said, "Man, is it hot in here or what?" before taking off his clothes. He sat at the table drinking Jim Bean as the house collapsed around him.
or is it?