Tales of Sasquatch
Any sensible person knows that Sasquatch is real. Of this there can be no dispute. I place Bigfoot deniers in the same camp as Holocaust deniers, only much more evil. The best way to combat the Sasquatch haters is with the truth. This is why I have complied a collection of recent eye witness testimony from people who have encountered Sasquatch.Mark Reynolds, 38, gas station attendant, Auburn, Washington
Date of Incident: 07/14/01
We were camping in in the Cascades, my buds Chuck, Steve and me. It was late at night, the moon was out and we had a campfire going and were roasting hotdogs. We heard a noise from the woods nearby, it sounded like a bear rustling around. It sounded like it was circling us. We got really nervous and we started banging some pans to scare it away. Steve got up to get his rifle out of his tent, but it was too late. Just then a Bigfoot jumped out of the woods and grabbed me! It had to be ten feet tall and lifted me right onto its shoulders. Check and Steve were so scared they ran like the wind out of there and the Bigfoot carried me away. My heart was beating a million times a second and I wanted to get away but the Bigfoot was too strong and held me down. He must have carried me through the woods for about three hours before we arrived at the cave that I figured was where it lived.
This part, this part is hard to talk about it. In the cave, the Bigfoot set me down and starting ripping my clothes off. I wanted to run away at that point, but it was still holding onto me really tightly. When I was completely naked the Bigfoot bent me over and he...he...oh God...he fucked me up the ass. I'm not gay so I've never done that before. I've never felt anything like that before, even when I had diarrhea bad. The thing is, the Bigfoot had a really big cock, it was thick like a 2 liter of Pepsi and longer than my arm. I don't know how it was able to fit inside of me. But, you know, I'll be damned, it felt really good. Like I said, I'm not gay but it did feel great. The Bigfoot kept going in and out of me. It was really rough but I'll say it again, it was still is the best sex I ever had. I soon passed out because the anal rape ruptured something and had caused me to lose a lot of blood.
I woke up the next day lying back at the campsite. I was all alone and still naked. My ass was throbbing and I felt down there to find a bandage around my asshole made of leaves and tree sap. That's not even the weirdest part of it all. The weirdest thing was that there was $500 in an envelope right next to me. I couldn't sit down for a month.
Scott Nelson, 24, grad school student at Evergreen State College, Olympia, Washington
Date of Incident: 03/05/06
I drove out the woods to take some samples of the Snake River for my graduate research. I was by myself and when I got to the river I started to unload my equipment. That's when I saw something big running through the woods about 150 yards away. It looked like a bear but it was walking upright like a human. That's when it clicked in my head "Oh my God, it's a Sasquatch!" I had to get my camera. But I guess he saw me holding the camera and he turned and starting running right toward me. I was so frightened right there that I couldn't move. I was like a deer in the headlights.
The next thing I knew the Sasquatch was standing right next to me, face to face not more than three feet separated us. I was struck by how enormous the creature was. He was almost twice my height, his fur was golden brown and his face looked very much like a gorilla with his large brow, but at the same time very gentle. He looked beautiful. Far from being frightened, I was now awestruck. I remembered my camera and tried to take his picture, but he very calmly and very gently took the camera out of my hands. He then starting petting me on the head and he looked me over from head to toe like he was checking me out. He slowly turned me around and took a nice long look at my ass.
Then the Sasquatch picked me up and set me over his shoulder. He carried me many miles until we arrived at a cave. I didn't even think of trying to escape, he was so gentle and caring. He began to slowly remove me clothes and as soon as I was completely naked, he began some foreplay. He kissed me on my neck and then moved down, massaging my nipples. I was so wrapped up in the pleasure that I barely noticed him moving his fingers into my asshole and applying some kind of mud based lubrication. The next thing I knew, the Sasquatch bent me over and moved his erect penis into my asshole. The size of the Sasquatch penis is unreal. My leg, that's how big it was, at least. I don't know how the Sasquatch managed to fit his penis inside my ass, but he took great care and was very gentle about it. He moved back and forth in my ass slowly as to keep it as painless as possible, but when he was coming closer to climax he became a little rougher. His rhythms would be faster and less gentle. Soon he was pounding me pretty hard. But it still felt really really good, like a sensation of pleasure the likes off which I had never experienced before. I felt a wave of intense pleasure ripple through my entire body and I thought, "Oh my God, this is like a female orgasm isn't it?" The Sasquatch was pounding my ass so hard must have injured something because I felt like I was bleeding out my ass and I soon fainted.
I woke up back in my car still parked near the river. The Sasquatch was no where in sight, but I found an envelope with $500 in crisp bills on my dashboard.
Dylan Klein, 33, freelance accountant, Saginaw, Michigan
Date of Incident: 06/10/02
I'm a professional mountain climber, my job allows me to set my own schedule so I have all the time in the world to go climbing. I also live alone and don't have a family so that is good. My team was planning on climbing Mount Makalu in a month, which is 22 kilometers east of Everest and notoriously difficult to climb. It was pretty late the night it happened. I was looking at some maps of the area around Makalu while Leno was on TV. There was a knock at the door. It wasn't a knock so much as very rough, very loud banging. My front door was starting to crack under the pressure. I had no idea who could be outside and what they wanted, maybe it was the police. Against my better judgment, I opened the door (whoever was banging on it was just going to break it down if I didn't) and there was a Bigfoot, right on my porch. He was so tall, his mouth came to the very top of the doorway and I couldn't see his eyes until I stepped outside. What was most surprising was that he was holding a package wrapped in leaves and tied together with vines. He didn't say anything but he held the package out to me and I took it. There was a note attached written on birch bark but the penmanship was impeccable. The note asked me to take the package with me to Nepal where I was to drop in off in a specified location near Makalu. The note provided a hand drawn but detailed map of the drop off point as well as warning to me to not open it. Needless to say, I was surprised by the situation but I said, "Ok, I'll do it." The Sasquatch grunted, slapped me on the ass, and ran off into the darkness.My teammates didn't believe my story, but they humored me and we dropped off the package at the designated spot on our way to the mountain and we moved on. After several minutes of hiking, I looked back to see a Yeti emerge, grab the package and run back into the snow. I yelled for my team to look but the Yeti was gone before anyone else saw it. They all thought I was being a flake. I still wonder what was in that package.
Carlos Ruiz, 55, park ranger for Mount Rainier National Park, Tacoma, Washington
Date of Incident: 08/22/05
We get reports of Sasquatch sightings all the time. I had never encountered one myself, but I knew they exist. You'd have to be a moron to think otherwise. A lot of these reports involved men getting anally raped by a Sasquatch and waking up to find $500 left for them. Strange stuff. We didn't do much about it, we figure we'll just leave the Sasquatch to their business until they decide they want to come out of hiding at a time and place of their own choosing. But these stories got back to Washington DC and this was back when the Republicans controlled the entire government and they threatened to cut funding for the park and turn into an oil refinery unless we put a stop to all the butt sex.So I led a group of five rangers to look for some Sasquatch. Of course we didn't expect to find any, but after three hours we found ourselves surrounded by what had to be twenty Sasquatch. We didn't even see them approach us, they must have been following us all that time but managed to remain completely hidden. We didn't have any weapons save for some tranquilizer guns, but I knew they would not be powerful enough to stop a Sasquatch. We were surrounded, we had no way to defend ourselves, we were at the Sasquatch's mercy.
One of the Sasquatch moved towards us. He was taller than the rest, almost 20 feet high, I would guess. His fur was black as coal, which set him part from the other brown and reddish furred Sasquatch. He was the only Sasquatch who was not completely naked, he wore a bright purple cape and a crown of some sort made from bark and adorned with pebbles of gold. I assumed he was the leader of this group. Maybe he was even the king of all Sasquatch (though now that I think about it, a species as intelligent as the Sasquatch would have probably developed some type of constitutional democracy).
I tried to communicate with the Sasquatch leader. I said they we meant no harm and wanted to be friends, but he ignored me and grabbed Leonard Stall, one of the younger recent hires who was also a bit small. Leonard was scared shitless but I told him to stay calm, the Sasquatch never hurt anybody. The Sasquatch all ran off with Leonard. We tried to chase after them, but they were too fast for us and soon disappeared.
Leonard was gone. I filed a missing person report, but the police couldn't do much about it. I informed his fiance and she didn't know what to make of all this. I thought I would never see the kid again, until four months later when Leonard appeared at the ranger station. He was wearing a tight red evening gown, had on makeup and long wavy blonde hair. He looked awful pretty, I must say. He told us that he had been taken by the Sasquatch leader for sexual purposes and had agreed to live the rest of his life as one of the Sasquatch leader's concubines. He said he couldn't be happier with this, so I wished him the best. He left and I haven't seen or heard from him since.
Frederick"Lady Ann DeTramp" Anderson, 27, drag queen / vice president of the Gay Alliance of California, San Francisco, California
Date of Incident: 06/03/06
I had heard on the internet about these guys taking it up the ass from Bigfoot so some "girls" and I got into my VW Beetle and headed to Washington state to check it out. Road trip! We went camping and, oh honey, it was horrible. There was bugs and trees everywhere and I could not bathe or drink a latte or watch the Style Network. We was there for three days and we didn't see one damn Bigfoot. We was banging on pots and pans trying to call them out but they was being bitches and not showing up. Meanwhile, we was stuck out in the woods, my weave was coming undone and do you know how hard it is to walk in the woods with three inch pumps? They should put in some sidewalks in the forest.
We was about to give up and go back home we saw some Bigfoot footprints. They was huge. I never did see feet as big as this. And you know what it means to have big feet! Woo! We followed the footprint tracks for I don't even know how many miles until we finally saw a Bigfoot. He was sitting under a tree reading some kind of newspaper called the Economist or something. He looked as surprised to see us and we were to see him. We was all "Hey Mr. Bigfoot!" and we bent over. The Bigfoot stood up and was so checking us out. But then he gave out a grunt, shook his head and left.
What a bitch! No one rejects Lady Ann. I know I look good.