Jason Mewes Presents Meerkat Manor
Meerkat Manor is a documentary TV series on Animal Planet that follows the lives of a group of Meerkats in Africa. Despite the premise the show has proven to completely fucking rule. Since Meerkats can't talk, and watching them without an explanation would be confusing, the series has a narrator who tells the viewer what is going on and why we should care. In the UK the narrator was a man named Bill Nighy, who despite the similar name is not actually Bill Nye the Science Guy like I assumed.
For the American version they had to redub the episodes because in Britain Meerkats are called Flanker Rats, and manor is referred to as a hobble bob, and that would make the show even more confusing than it already is. Sean Astin became the narrator, but many different actors and voice over artists tried out for the role because being a narrator for an Animal Planet show "makes chicks think you are sensitive and like animals and stuff."
Dumb Baby's very own Jason Mewes even tried out for the role because, as he explained to me, "I'd get money and shit." Truer words have never been said, by Jason Mewes. He recently found his audition tape and showed it to me. I thought his fans may be interested in it so I tried to put it on Youtube. Within hours it was pulled from the site and a court injunction prevents me from showing it to anybody ever again. I can, however, show a transcript of the audition which I will do.
Hello, uh guys, my name is Jason Mewes. I was in Clerks, and Mallrats and Hardware: Uncensored Music Videos Hip Hop Volume 1. I'm here to try out for the role of uh, narrator. So what's my motivation? Oh...I'm an actual narrator? I thought that was his name. You know like Steve Narrator? Okay, well I can be a normal narrator. Like, I'll be like that guy from Batman who tells you to tune in next week. Cool. So what do you want me to do? Okay I'll watch the show and read this script cool. Reading is tough, but I'll do this.
Okay this is Flower. She like the king of the Meerkats.
Whow and she's like kicking somebody's ass there.
What? Yeah I know that's not what the script says, your script sucks balls. Trust me this will be better. Would I lead you wrong? Nootch!
So Flower's the boss and she's got to have the sauce cause they live in the desert and that's where owls live. Other Meerkats live there too. When these gangs get together they fight each other like they're rappers.
Yo meet the Whiskers.
This is Flower she's the boss but I already told you that.
This is Zapad? Zackhead? Fuck it I don't know what that his is, names Zap man now.
Shit, I don't know what that is either. Who named these fucking things Doctor Fucking Tough Name Guy? Professor Bull Shit maybe. He's got social problems cause of his faggot name.
Shit I know this. Me and Kevin saw this movie about him but he was named Amadeus and he was always farting like a mother fucker. I like this guy.
This is Taco. She is a rebel and shit. Yo, you know she totally looks like this one chick I saw in a porno at Kevin's house. Like she held the camera like that then she totally started fingering herself. She like put the camera right up her cooch!
Forget what it says there. Anybody named Shakespeare is a fucking pussy.
These are the kids and they are naughty. You gotta watch out for kids cause they get naughty and shit but if you mess around with them or fuck them then the cops chase you down and you gotta go hide in Canada for awhile and pretend to make a movie.
And that's the name of the show. This is easy. I can't believe you guys thought I couldn't do it.
No, let me keep going I'm going to fucking blow you away with the narratoring.
A Family Affair. Like when an uncle fucks his niece cause he's drunk or when a uncle fucks his other niece cause he's high. That was a crazy fucking family reunion last year.
So, like, the meerkats live in Africa which is in the Safari desert and they live in holes cause there ain't no trees in the desert.
These meerkats are being taped cause they are, like, being studied by a university to make a TV show. Man, I bet there is some fine ass college pussy there college chicks always get my cock full blown if you know it?
Oh fuck no, look at that fag. Some fucking prissy asshole faggot what's he doing here. Show me some pussy!
Well, if any fine ass pussy comes by they can tape it cause they got all these cameras in the place. They like tape all the cats and shit. I got something like this going on too. I call it Kevin's wife in the shower manor nabbaty nooch.
Flowers a chick so she likes to fuck and she got some kids cause meerkats don't know about condoms or pulling out. That's what makes them animals and we're like the people you know? We can fuck but we got tricks to not get the chick pregnant or if we do we got ways to hide from her so she doesn't make you pay child support.
This is Zap man. He's the fucker that fucked up Flower and got the kids. His job is to give Flower some love whenever she wants. Fuck we got a name for that, it's called me mother fuckers! Any of you bitches want some love just come by my van and I'll make you go oh oh fucker fuck. Zap man also scent marks stuff but it just looks like he's farting on it to me.