The Sky Mall Catalogue - Part I
Last month I flew on an airplane. I don't fly on airplanes very often, since I am a shut in who typically spends 23 hours a day online. So this was something new. I don't get why stand up comedians are always ragging on airplanes in their acts. Flying isn't all that much of a hassle and the food is alright, really. I guess some people don't like that you are just sitting around, but what do you expect? Come on man, it's not like things are going to be any more luxurious on a bus or minivan. There isn't that much worth complaining about. Tough it up and stop being a bunch of whiny celebrities.
Flying was cool. First off, they had Mr. Pibb. That pop is hard to find in large parts of the country, so whenever I get a chance to drink it then it is a real treat. The flight attendant was kind of cross with me when I requested Mr. Pibb by name and didn't just ask for pop. But I knew they had some on hand. I think their supply was limited because the Mr. Pibb company only produces a few barrels each year to keep the price up, and the airline usually saves Mr. Pibb for first class.
Also, on the return flight I saw the movie Night at the Museum. The thing is, I couldn't find the headphones they give you to listen to the movie, so I just watched the screen without sound. It was still pretty easy to follow the plot, because it's not much of a dialogue intensive movie. Also, I kept falling asleep because it was 5 in the morning, but I still had no trouble understanding the movie. On the connecting flight, I had headphones so I could listen to the audio this time, which really wasn't worth the trouble. Night at the Museum is as good of a movie with sound as without because it's not like they bothered to put in any jokes or anything.
The best part of flying is getting to look at the Sky Mall catalogue. I cannot believe the ridiculous shit people must buy out of that thing. This article will look at the most recent issue I grabbed from the airline. It said I was free to take a copy, so I helped myself to it and half a dozen barf bags.
Sports Craporabilia
On the left is a baseball signed by Yogi Berra. I thought Yogi Berra was dead, so I was going to comment on that, but I checked the web and he is still alive (If he was dead, at least that would almost slightly justify charging 200 bucks for the damn thing). So this shows how little I know about baseball. I don't care. I don't even like baseball, I find it slow and boring. I tried to get into it when the Tigers were in the World Series last year, but I mostly have spent my life disliking baseball because it sets back the start of new The Simpsons episodes until November.
I don't even get the appeal of Yogi Berra. So he says ridiculous things and this is supposed to make him clever. George W. Bush talks just like Yogi Berra, but that makes him a dumbass. Yogi Berra isn't any different than George W. Bush. I think we all remember the time in the seventies when Yogi Berra invaded Iraq and 100,000 innocent people died.
On the right is an autographed photograph of that time when the baseball went between that one guy's legs in the World Series. ESPN talks about this every once in awhile. This guy single handily cost the Red Sox the World Series. Forget the fact that there are other people on his team and forget the fact that the World Series is not the least bit interesting, stop talking about it.
What I find odd is that the guy involved as well as the hitter both autographed this. I am not sure why you would want to highlight the most embarrassing moment of your career, but these baseball players need to make money whenever they can. Steroids and a mistress can get very expensive.
As to who would want to buy this, well, I would gander that 45 year old overweight single men in Boston who consider their time on the high school football team to be "the best years of my life" probably eat this shit up.
Star Wars Junk
Ok, I am a pretty big Star Wars geek, but even I would steal the lunch money from whoever decided it was worth spending $120 on a lightsaber replica. If I spent that much money on a lightsaber, it better damn well be the real thing and better damn well be able to slice off my son's hand. Those lightsaber toys are annoying anyway. The cheap seven dollar ones that just fold out and don't light up are the best, because you can actually play around with those. The more expensive ones that light up and make sound and use batteries suck because the "beam" part doesn't fold in all the way and they tend to break really easily if you play around with them.
Ok, I should recant what I first said. I'm not that big of a Star Wars geek anymore compared to what I used to be when I was a teenager. Back then, I was deep into the movies and the spin off books and the toys. I read all the ridiculous technical manuals and encyclopedia on the Star Wars universe. Princess Leia in Jabba's palace was the first thing I saw that made me 100% sure I was straight. I don't know when I started losing interest in Star Wars. I think the poopfest that were the prequels had a lot to do with it. But I think I just found other interests, such as women's breasts, which it turns out are way more fun than any fucking movie with miniature fighting bears.
This is a personal R2-D2 robot. I doubt it measures up to the real R2-D2. They say it responds to several voice commands, but if it like any other machine that "responds to voice commands" then you'll have to shout directly into the microphone 50 times before it picks up on what you want it to do. God help you if you don't have a perfect Japanese accent either. I doubt it can save you from a trash compactor either. Also, the size of this toy is much smaller than R2-D2 was in the movies. Instead of a plastic robot, they should sell us a life size R2-D2 with a midget inside, just like the real thing.
Pet Shit
Are you unable to have children due to sterility/being unattractive, so depend on a dog or cat to act as the baby you will never have? Then you will be interested in these:
I don't see why you need to spend fifty dollars for something that will keep a dog from getting into the front seat. Punching the mutt in the head any time he tries solves the problem just as well and costs nothing.
Someday I am going to come across a story about a woman who was mauled to death by her cat and small dog. Police will find her body stuffed into a pet stroller. I will consider that fitting punishment for anyone who would stick an animal in a pet stroller.
What the fuck? A filtered water fountain, for cats? Cats? Kitties DO NOT prefer filtered water. Cats will drink whatever water they are given. My cat drinks out of an ice cream bucket from well water out of my sink. That's already better than how 90% of humans drink everyday. But fuck you Africa, we Americans are going to give our cats a purified water fountain. Forget the Iraq War, I think the Skymall catalogue is the reason the whole world hates us. Some poor kid from Cambodia gets a scholarship to study in the United States. Looking for something to read on the flight to the US, he flips through the Skymall catalogue and sees that we gives our cats filtered water while he lost two siblings to dysentery. He decides at that moment to join Al Qaeda, and I can't say I would blame him.
I can't think of a more appropriate way to end this article than writing about cat shit. This is a litter box disguised as a house plant. So instead of sticking your litter box in an out of the way room or the basement, you can place in right in your living room. I'm sure your guests will love being three feet from cat shit. I'm sure any person who would be eager to pay $130 for this (plus $15 or shipping) has probably gotten so used to the smell of cat shit that they no longer notice it, but for the rest of us who have never attempted to have sex with a feline, this thing is just so ridiculous.
The Skymall people don;t even have any faith in this product. They are like, "Hey, you probably recognize what a stupid idea this is, but, you know, you can just use it as a cat bed. But still pay us the $145. Whatever. Christ. We have no souls."