Lessons Learned from Board Games
You can learn many lessons from board games. The entire educational board game industry is based off of this idea. You can also learn lessons from regular board games. Don’t believe me, take a look.
Saturday night with the cool kids
The key to world domination is an early control of Australia. South America may seem tempting but the asshole that controls North Africa will be on your tail the entire game. You need to get Australia and the build a buffer zone into Asia. Nobody will compete with you in Asia because controlling Asians is way too much trouble. So if Australia ever decides to take over the rest of the world they will probably succeed. Our only hope is convincing Canada and Mexico to join up with the United States so we can get the seven troop bonus. It is the only way to stop the Aussie menace.
Clue
Don’t bother to call the police when a rich friend is killed. Just try to figure out the mystery yourself. Go ahead and move all that evidence around while you’re at it. Just watch out since you might be the murderer and not even know it.
Monopoly
Real estate tycoons are just people who don’t have to be anywhere for awhile. Donald Trump is only a millionaire because everybody competing with him quit because they were tired and had to get up early for work.
Dungeons and Dragons
It’s fun to play with a group of people who are really really into the game. That way you can just never bother to learn the rules and just mess around and make them figure out what you’re suppose to roll.
For example if you tell the dungeon master that you want to jump off of a moving carriage onto the back of a wolf and ride it, he’ll look in various books for 15 minutes before telling you that no matter what you roll you will fail and probably be killed.
They will also not kick you out no matter how annoying you are because it will hurt the adventuring group, and chances are they won’t find anybody else willing to play with them.
Scrabble
Spelling isn’t as important as convincing people that what you put down is a word.
Qat is a good example of this because it is a word. It means a Jewish shrubbery. God damn it, I’ll prove it to you, go find the dictionary. No the Scrabble dictionary, it isn’t in that one. Well how the hell am I suppose to know where the Scrabble dictionary is? It should be with the game. Jesus Christ just trust me on this, why would I lie about Scrabble? You know what, fuck you. I don’t want to play Scrabble with you anyways. I’m out of here, queer.
Guess which person in this picture is trying to hide a boner.
Turns out that babysitter you always played Twister with is a pedophile.
Pictionary
You can’t draw worth shit but neither can anybody else.
Only play Pictionary while drinking if you want the game to never end.
Trouble
More games need the Pop-o-matic thing
Double Trouble
Board games can get sequels.
Clue: The Great Museum Caper
The sequel to Clue was not "Clue II: The Wrath of Mrs. White" like some people wanted.
Trivial Pursuit
Nobody can get the science questions right. This is because of George W. Bush and No Child Left Behind. It has made it so that Americans are too stupid to answer science questions and get the little pie slice. All we know are the sports and entertainment questions and maybe a few of the history, but nobody can answer the important questions. Meanwhile, Europe is kicking our ass in the international Trivial Pursuit contest.
Guess Who
The faces don’t talk like in the commercial.
Guess Who should be renamed “Childhood Disillusionment”
Fuck up that dog. Steal his experience points…is that rabbit wearing a backpack?
There is a game called fucking Space Hulk? That’s intense, and also the reason why there hasn’t been a movie about the Incredible Hulk in space. What would they call it?
Bunnies and Burrows
The appeal of Watersip Down was too much for D&D fans to resist.
Mouse Trap
Nobody can ever get that fucking Mousetrap to work the way it does in the commercial. This is probably also the fault of George W. Bush.
Jenga
Yelling Jenga at people playing the game is as fun as it is annoying.
Don’t Wake Daddy
Daddy doesn’t want you to eat any fucking food in the middle of the fucking night! NOW GO BACK TO BED! Fuck, I’ve got to get up for work in three hours. If you wake me up again I swear I’ll beat you faster then you can say Children’s Services!
Axis and Allies
Anybody who claims Axis and Allies is better then Risk is an even bigger nerd then the people who like to play Risk.
Hey Pa There’s a Goat On the Roof
There is a goat is on the roof.
Checkers
Kings go both ways, if you know what I mean ;-)
Chess
Queens were the most powerful force on the medieval battlefield. Knights really sucked but they could jump over people.
Electronic Battleship
It might take twenty minutes to program the coordinates of your ships into the game, but the robot voice and explosion sounds are totally worth it.
Othello
It’s also known as Reversi.
It has very little to do with the Shakespearian play.
The subject of today’s Girl Talk: "Horrible 80s Hair"
Monopoly is about a billion times more fun when you get to be Darth Vader.
Girl Talk
Girl Talk is the most hilarious and homoerotic board game I’ve ever played with a group of guys.
The Game of Life
A college degree may take a little longer, but the extra money will help you in this game we call life.
Sorry
Sorry is a really shitty game.