The Holy Church of Christ Without Christ
The following is a paid advertisement. The views expressed hear do not reflect those of Dumb Baby Enterprises or its subsidiary companies. Dumb Baby is not responsible for any harm or religious enlightenment that may come from this product.
Are you a sinner? Do you want to be? Are you not sure? Would you like to sin to your heart’s content without any kind of remorse? Well my friends, then the Holy Church of Christ Without Christ is for you. What is it you ask? Well let me tell you. It’s a church without Christ, and it is holy and it is a holy church of Christ. The moral implications of this are astounding. The Holy Church of Christ Without Christ is without Christ and because of that there is no Christ. That means nobody died for your sins and because nobody died for your sins then there is no innocence and because there is no innocence then there is no sin. It’s as simple as apple strudel. If you join the church, then you will find your new sin free lifestyle will allow you to live free to do whatever you want. This includes, but is not limited to:
1. Sleeping with a two dollar prostitute
2. Stalking a blind man and his sexually eager daughter
3. Committing vehicular manslaughter
4. Becoming a gorilla
Now I’m sure some of you are thinking "Hey, I want a life without sin, but what about Christ?" Well, I assure you in the Holy Church of Christ Without Christ there is no Christ. You believe in a church based on your beliefs and a personal relationship with God. Unlike other churches, we won’t try to pull you around with saints, clergy men, or prophets. In the Holy Church of Christ Without Christ, it is all about you.
Still not convinced about how wonderful the Holy Church of Christ Without Christ is? Well, then maybe this man will change your mind, he’s the premier prophet and founder of the Holy Church of Christ Without Christ, Mazel Motes. Mazel, would you like to say a few words?
I sure would Onnie.
Folks I’m no big time city preacher like my friend here. I’m from the country. I don’t know much about city life or living in the city, or life in the city but I do know one thing, Jesus is a trick on the niggers. Yes, I can say niggers and not feel bad. I can even call them nappy headed hos. This is because the Holy Church of Christ Without Christ lets me do whatever I want. I have 33 Confederate flags in my house, and just like a Lynyrd Skynyrd fan, I have no moral qualms about it. The other day I saw a nigger walking down the street and I yelled "Hey nigger, you get off my street!" and felt fine because there is nothing you can do in the Holy Church of Christ Without Christ that will make you feel bad because the church is all about not feeling guilty after doing something you would feel guilty about if you had a moral compass.
Now Mazel, how much would you pay for this revolutionary system of guilt free living?
Well Onnie, I’m the inventor, and a user, so I would not feel bad about not paying anything.
Yes, but what about those who are not members of the Holy Church of Christ Without Christ?
Well, if I were them I would pay top dollar for this miraculous system of guilt free sinning.
Would you feel bad if you tried to use the system without paying for it?
Well of course Onnie, until you pay you just can’t live the guilt free existence the Holy Church of Christ Without Christ has to offer. It is impossible.
That’s right, Mazel. Now this should be very expensive, but today I am offering a special offer. If you pay the one time price of nineteen dollars and ninety nine cents then not only can you live guilt free, but I’ll throw in a shame free life style as well.
Shame free? How does that work?
I’m glad you asked. Right now, because of shame, you are forced to defend your honor. If somebody besmirches your honor you have to extract revenge on them.
That seems like a hassle, Ollie.
It sure is, Mazel. However, if you take advantage of our one time honor you can be completely shame free. Now if you are dishonored you can just ignore the perpetrator. Somebody call you a name, just walk away, he steals your idea for a church, no big deal, he leaves his crazy daughter to live with you, you just roll with the punches, or you kill him. It doesn’t matter, you won’t feel bad anyways.
The Holy Church of Christ Without Christ guarantees a guilt free existence. All we ask is that you make your donation of nineteen dollars and ninety nine cents. Just take out the cash and put it in the hat, or since this is the internet put it in the virtual Paypal hat.
The choice is yours. You can live a life full of guilt and sin or you can give us money. Just remember, it is possible to regret not taking advantage of this break through system. It is impossible to feel guilty about spending your money on it.