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Pro Stars Review

[Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4] >>

Quick name the best cartoon ever. If you said Pro Stars then you're right. Pro Stars is a documentary following the world's three greatest athletes as they fight crime with the aid of sports themed gadgets.

Who are the world's greatest athletes? That's a stupid question. It should be obvious.

Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan is the brains of the operation. Like all smart people in cartoons, he uses big words and comes up with plans that he explains with scientific reasoning that make no sense if you actually know anything about science.

Wayne Gretzky

Wayne is the stereotypical dumb person on the team who is always making jokes and talking about how hungry he is. Wayne Gretzky must have one hell of a metabolism since all he talks about doing is eating but he's still skinny as hell.

Bo Jackson

Bo is the black guy on the team. I know the team already has another black guy on it, but trust me on this. I've seen a lot of cartoons and the black guy is always strong, cool, and--while not book smart--at least smarter then the dumb guy. Bo fits into this perfectly. He isn't as well respected in the sporting community as Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky, but he gets to be on the show because he represents two sports and they can make "Bo knows" jokes.

The episode I'm reviewing today is "Gargantus and the Highway of Doom." I chose this one because of the three episodes on the DVD I bought this one was the most like Mad Max 2:The Road Warrior.

Each episode has a theme, and because we can't figure that out ourselves the real life Pro Stars make a special appearance at the beginning of each episode. Well, Bo Jackson and Wayne Gretzky do. Apparently, Michael Jordan is too cool to tell us that today's episode is about not joining a gang. By the way, that's what the episode is about. In order to tell us to not join a gang, they show an episode about Australian revolutionaries kidnapping a town and forcing them to build a castle. An episode about a kid considering joining a street gang may have been more relatable and effective at convincing children to not join gangs, but it would not have been as cool.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. First let's take a look at the theme song. It is the best song ever (as long as we don't count songs by The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Ronnie James Dio, and David Lee Roth, or the song they made together, which is so awesome the government has withheld it from ever being played. That song is called "Dragons Making Babies", and thanks to George "EVIL" Bu$h you will never hear it).

Pro Stars

The Prostars theme song is supposedly based on "We Will Rock You" by Queen, despite not sounding like that song. It is however HOT, COOL, and JAMMIN' It also has the best lyrics ever. I found them online and will now present them without giving credit to the website. Take that you fuckers. Don't feel bad for the site, I'm pretty sure these are inaccurate.

Well shit, I don't seem to actually be able to highlight and copy them. You win this round random website! I'll just link to them.

During the credits there are sweet scenes playing

Pro Stars

Like the Pro Stars exiting some lockers for some reason. Really, they were inside the lockers. There is no reason for them to be doing that. I don't know how they could even fit in there. They're all pretty big guys.

Pro Stars

There's also a scene with Jordan perving on some poor girl. They kind of made him a pedophile in the series for some reason. I think the writers were pissed that he wouldn't ever appear in the openings. Speaking of which…

Pro Stars

Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson want us to not be in gangs. Wayne tells us everybody he knew who was in a gang is in trouble. This is a lie. He never knew anybody in a gang. He's Canadian and Canadians are too nice to be in gangs. Bo says when he was a kid he was in a club that went fishing on the weekends. That's interesting Bo, but not really related to the issue at hand.

Bo then says "Bo knows gang busten." This is about the twelfth "Bo knows" joke he's made in this fifteen second intro.

Pro Stars

That's Mom's gym. It is the base of operations for the Pro Stars. Its right next door to a place you can get tattoos of peninsulas. You would think three professional athletes would be able to afford to not live with their mother, but I guess they can't. Constantly saving kids must be expensive.

Speaking of saving children, the Pro Stars have just received a message from an Australian girl named Sheila. Turns out her town has been overrun by a gang.

Pro Stars

A gang that's fucking rocking the Fireshozen. Australian gangs are intense. These mother fuckers came into the town flame throwers going full force while driving soupped up death machines that are almost as loud as the motorcycle driven by that one guy who always goes by my house at three in the morning.

Pro Stars

Sheila's worried because these five guys not only are driving in circles in the middle of the town, but also seem to be forcing everybody to work for them. Doing what? Sheila doesn't say, but I bet it's not something that is beneficial for the local economy. Also, her brother wants to join the gang. Sheila says it's because her brother thinks they are "wooly cool" (I don't know if she said "really cool" and I misheard, or if wooly is some sort of Australian word) but I think it's because he's gay. You don't think a group of guys in cut offs and leather belly vests are cool, even if they have sweet cars. It's not like Australians dress like normal people, but even they would see that's not right. Add that penis shaped car into the equation and it becomes obvious that Sheila's brother doesn't want to join the gang as much as the gang bang.

Pro Stars

He's making fucking moon eyes at them for God's sake. Now the Pro Stars not only have to hurry to save the villagers, but also one young boy's ass virginity.

Pro Stars

Shelia ends the message by asking them to come soon, but look how she sent it: on a god damn VHS tape. That had to take at least a couple of weeks to ship from Australia, plus the time it took her to tape the footage and put the montage together. Hey Sheila, if you really wanted them to help you quickly maybe you should have just called them on the phone, or maybe you should have called somebody in your own country. Doesn't Australia have a military, or at least some police? Always relying on help from other nations for protection will not end well. Just ask the Tutsis. Fuckers relied too much on UN Peacekeepers, and found out too late that the UN is a lumbering corrupt dinosaur that is unable to even the most basic functions it was created to do.

Pro Stars

Meanwhile, it's been upwards to ten seconds before Bo said "Bo knows" so he says "Bo knows bad guys, and that Gargantus needs to be taught a lesson, Pro Star style!" I gotta admit, that's an awesome thing to know. It would have been way less dramatic if he said "Bo knows kangaroos are endemic to the continent of Australia, so let's get to Australia and kick some ass."

On a side note, check out Michael Jordan's lips. Those things are huge. It looks like he was drawn by a cartoonist from 1859. Bo knows racist caricatures.

Jordan is all about helping the town, but thinks they better get some gadgets to help them out. Gretzky agrees because he thinks that Gargantus and his gang will kick their asses. He is not confident in their abilities.

Pro Stars

Enter Mom. She's a Jewish woman that has birthed two black men and a Canadian. I read a book about a Jewish woman who had twelve black kids, so it is possible. Apparently, Jewish women do not have mulattos. Their children are as black as their Jewish soul. Mom is the inventor who provides the Pro Stars with the gadgets they use to save the day. The other woman is Denise. She doesn't really do anything. I don't know if she is the Pro Star's sister or if Mom just hired her so that the Pro Stars can drug her at night and feel her boobies.

Wayne immediately forgets about the plight of the Australians and asks Mom to make him some lunch. Wayne Gretzky is a selfish bastard.

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Bo also forgets the task at hand, and becomes excited about finding a boomerang. He immediately throws it through a wall for some reason.

Pro Stars

As it turns out, the boomerang is remote controlled camera, and the remote control and display device looks like the thing the Ghostbusters use to find out if a ghost is nearby. This raises the question, if it is aremote control then why does it have to be a boomerang? A bigger question is immediately raised when Bo catches the returning boomerang and says "boomerang." It's almost as if he forgot what he threw and is now identifying it for the first time.

Continuing with the "remote controlled flying devices" theme, Denise shows them that she has made a remote control for their flying ship, known as Pro Star 1. Continuing with the "shit going through walls" theme, Wayne immediately puts the ship through a wall.

Pro Stars

This pisses off Mom who warns them that they better bring Pro Star 1 back in perfect condition or they will have to do gym laundry for a month. Gee, I wonder if something is going to happen to Pro Star 1 before the end of the episode. That punishment is pretty lame since there are only five people there and they are all adults. By this point they should be doing their own laundry.

[Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4] >>