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Pro Stars Review

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Pro Stars

The next thing you know, the Pro Stars are landing in Australia. In a sweet move their spaceship turns into a car upon landing, so they are able to cruise through the Outback in style.

Pro Stars

Inside Pro Star 1, Bo is trying to figure out what this cylinder does. It's the one gadget that he can't get to work.

"You mean Bo doesn't know?" Jordan says in the harshest sounding tone ever. I think he really hates Bo Jackson. With good reason too; Jordan only got on this team after proving to be one of the greatest basketball players of all time. All Bo had to do was have a name that rhymes with the word "know." Meanwhile, Wayne is complaining because he hasn't had lunch yet. Apparently, there wasn't time during the 12 hour flight to eat anything.

Pro Stars

Then, like all pleasant drives in Australia, this one is ruined by a kangaroo. The mother fucker jumps right in front of them, causing them to swerve into a ditch. I don't know how they didn't hear it coming, since it has been well documented that a kangaroo's boing can be heard from up to a mile away.

Pro Stars

Sheila pops out of nowhere and thanks them for not running down her pet kangaroo, Rebound. Get it? Rebound. It's a sports term. Sheila then realizes that the spaceship filled with basketballs must belong to the Pro Stars.

Check out that picture. Sheila has some huge shoulders. She's built like a full back.

Pro Stars

That is either a really small kangaroo or Bo Jackson is the biggest man alive. He practically engulfs it. It's possible that it is a small kangaroo, or even a wallaby, but in all the other shots it looks like it is regular size. I think this is just a testament to how massive Bo Jackson really is.

Pro Stars

Excited, Sheila jumps into the ship to greet her saviors, and Michael cups some of that sweet preteen ass. Bo can't believe what the Airman is doing.

"One would surmise that you are Sheila," he says. Mother fucking egghead basketball player. Who the hell says surmise?

The group drives into the town. Wayne jumps out yelling how he wants to eat hotdogs, while Bo and Michael comment on how the town is empty. No shit guys, everybody was kidnapped. Did you even pay attention to the tape? Sheila has to fill them in on what she told them already.

Pro Stars

She then starts going on about how her brother wants to join the gang, but she knows deep down he really isn't all bad. Jordan says that if she believes in him he must be good, but gives her the stink eye the entire time. He is obviously being sarcastic. Michael Jordan is an asshole. Wayne just looks longingly at the empty town, wishing it was full of hotdogs.

Bo decides to throw that boomerang thing so that they can get a look around. Also because if you aren't going to use the boomerang gadget in Australia then where the hell are you going to use it?

Pro Stars

They soon find Gargantus's castle. I was going to put in a picture of the castle but this one made me laugh.

Pro Stars

Jordan says that they must be using stone quarried directly from the mountain, and Sheila confirms it. They do not comment on how square those blocks are. That's fine craft work.

Pro Stars

They also don't comment on how sweet Gargantus's gang looks. Is that dude a barbarian? Is that guy back there swinging a Morningstar? These guys should form a metal band. At the very least they should be the villains in a new Beastmaster movie.

Pro Stars

Gargantus then throws a rock at the camera. I hate Gargantus's name because I have no clue how to spell it and I have to keep copying and pasting it. Why can't villains ever have normal names like Tim or Belthasaur?

Anywho, Gargantus flips a shit because somebody is spying on him and starts screaming about how this is his kingdom and everybody is his slaves and it's his mansion and what not and he starts throwing people around. After the tirade Froggy says, "I love it when he's strict."

Pro Stars

What a fucking gay gang.

The Prostars decide to head to the castle. Luckily, Gargantus was kind enough to put up a sign telling them which way to go. Everything looks like its going to go smoothly, until Michael Jordan realizes there are invisible laser beams across the road. How does he know this? He just does. That's why Michael Jordan is on the team. If it were Bo Jackson, Wayne Gretzky and Mookie Blaylock then they would have had their ankles removed by lasers.

Pro Stars

Bo takes that cylinder that he doesn't know how to work and uses it to deflect the lasers. Those are pretty shitty lasers if they can't cut through metal. The lasers you buy at Home Depot can cut through at least most kinds of metals, even the cheap ones. Australians are behind when it comes to laser quality.

Wayne Gretzky then makes another comment about lunch for no reason. He is nothing but dead weight. They should drop him and get a better athlete.

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