New Morals for Aesop's Fables
Aesop is some crazy old guy from the ancient world who may not have actually existed. He made a bunch of stories to teach moral lessons. The problem is that things have changed since the ancient world. Slavery is outlawed and female menstruation is no longer believed to be the work of warlocks. The old morals simply won't work anymore. That is why I have decided to take some fables and apply new morals to them. The fables may be different then the ones you are use to because I stole them from this site which seems to use a very literal translation. That's why The Boy Who Cried Wolf is called The Shepherd's Boy and the Wolf. It's also why there are references to boobs in most of the stories.The Shepherd's Boy and the Wolf
A SHEPHERD-BOY, who watched a flock of sheep near a village, brought out the villagers three or four times by crying out, "Wolf! Wolf!" and when his neighbors came to help him, laughed at them for their pains. The Wolf, however, did truly come at last. The Shepherd-boy, now really alarmed, shouted in an agony of terror: "Pray, do come and help me; the Wolf is killing the sheep"; but no one paid any heed to his cries, nor rendered any assistance. The Wolf, having no cause of fear, at his leisure lacerated or destroyed the whole flock.
Old Moral: There is no believing a liar, even when he speaks the truth
New Moral: Old people only need to call 911 when there is a real emergency. If you call every time you hear a car drive by playing loud rap music or when the neighbor has the lights on late at night the police will eventually decide to ignore you. Then when you fall in the shower nobody will come to help you and you will die a wet wrinkly death.
The Fox and the Grapes
One hot summer's day a Fox was strolling through an orchard till he came to a bunch of Grapes just ripening on a vine which had been trained over a lofty branch. "Just the thing to quench my thirst," quoth he. Drawing back a few paces, he took a run and a jump, and just missed the bunch. Turning round again with a One, Two, Three, he jumped up, but with no greater success. Again and again he tried after the tempting morsel, but at last had to give it up, and walked away with his nose in the air, saying: "I am sure they are sour."
Old Moral: It is easy to despise what you cannot get.
New Moral: I bet you knew Foxes ate chickens but didn't know they also eat grapes. This is because foxes are omnivores, meaning they eat both plants and animals. To learn more about foxes and other omnivores visit your local library or online at Animal Diversity.com.
The Eagle and the Fox
AN EAGLE and a Fox formed an intimate friendship and decided to live near each other. The Eagle built her nest in the branches of a tall tree, while the Fox crept into the underwood and there produced her young. Not long after they had agreed upon this plan, the Eagle, being in want of provision for her young ones, swooped down while the Fox was out, seized upon one of the little cubs, and feasted herself and her brood. The Fox on her return, discovered what had happened, but was less grieved for the death of her young than for her inability to avenge them. A just retribution, however, quickly fell upon the Eagle. While hovering near an altar, on which some villagers were sacrificing a goat, she suddenly seized a piece of the flesh, and carried it, along with a burning cinder, to her nest. A strong breeze soon fanned the spark into a flame, and the eaglets, as yet unfledged and helpless, were roasted in their nest and dropped down dead at the bottom of the tree. There, in the sight of the Eagle, the Fox gobbled them up.
Old Moral: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
New Moral: Karma is a bitch. Also don't trust eagles.
The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
A Wolf found great difficulty in getting at the sheep owing to the vigilance of the shepherd and his dogs. But one day it found the skin of a sheep that had been flayed and thrown aside, so it put it on over its own pelt and strolled down among the sheep. The Lamb that belonged to the sheep, whose skin the Wolf was wearing, began to follow the Wolf in the Sheep's clothing; so, leading the Lamb a little apart, he soon made a meal off her, and for some time he succeeded in deceiving the sheep, and enjoying hearty meals.
Old Moral: Appearances are deceptive.
New Moral: It's important to wear the same fashions as everybody else so that you don't stand out in a crowd.
The Hare and the Tortoise
The Hare was once boasting of his speed before the other animals. "I have never yet been beaten," said he, "when I put forth my full speed. I challenge any one here to race with me."
The Tortoise said quietly, "I accept your challenge."
"That is a good joke," said the Hare; "I could dance round you all the way."
"Keep your boasting till you've beaten," answered the Tortoise. "Shall we race?"
So a course was fixed and a start was made. The Hare darted almost out of sight at once, but soon stopped and, to show his contempt for the Tortoise, lay down to have a nap. The Tortoise plodded on and plodded on, and when the Hare awoke from his nap, he saw the Tortoise just near the winning-post and could not run up in time to save the race.
Old Moral: Slow and steady wins the race
New Moral: Stop showboating and go for the win. Unless you're Randy Moss, then you can showboat as much as you want. You're going to win anyways
The Ass, the Fox, and the Lion
THE ASS and the Fox, having entered into partnership together for their mutual protection, went out into the forest to hunt. They had not proceeded far when they met a Lion. The Fox, seeing imminent danger, approached the Lion and promised to contrive for him the capture of the Ass if the Lion would pledge his word not to harm the Fox. Then, upon assuring the Ass that he would not be injured, the Fox led him to a deep pit and arranged that he should fall into it. The Lion, seeing that the Ass was secured, immediately clutched the Fox, and attacked the Ass at his leisure.
Old Moral: Never trust your enemy
New Moral: Never trust "the man." In this case oppressive government or "the man" is being played by the lion. The fox represents people who are always trying to bring you down cause he made the donkey fall down into a pit. They're all like "Hey buddy stop smoking weed" and "No I don't have any weed for you." You have to be like the donkey and not be a bring down like "the man" or the fox.
The Father and His Two Daughters
A MAN had two daughters, the one married to a gardener, and the other to a tile-maker. After a time he went to the daughter who had married the gardener, and inquired how she was and how all things went with her. She said, "All things are prospering with me, and I have only one wish, that there may be a heavy fall of rain, in order that the plants may be well watered." Not long after, he went to the daughter who had married the tilemaker, and likewise inquired of her how she fared; she replied, "I want for nothing, and have only one wish, that the dry weather may continue, and the sun shine hot and bright, so that the bricks might be dried." He said to her, "If your sister wishes for rain, and you for dry weather, with which of the two am I to join my wishes?'
Old Moral: You can't please everybody
New Moral: You can't please everybody unless it's with the refreshing taste of 7-UP. Drink crystalline and refreshing 7-UP.
This moral brought to you by 7-UP
The Frogs Desiring a King
The Frogs were living as happy as could be in a marshy swamp that just suited them; they went splashing about caring for nobody and nobody troubling with them. But some of them thought that this was not right, that they should have a king and a proper constitution, so they determined to send up a petition to Jove to give them what they wanted. "Mighty Jove," they cried, "send unto us a king that will rule over us and keep us in order." Jove laughed at their croaking, and threw down into the swamp a huge Log, which came downrplashto the swamp. The Frogs were frightened out of their lives by the commotion made in their midst, and all rushed to the bank to look at the horrible monster; but after a time, seeing that it did not move, one or two of the boldest of them ventured out towards the Log, and even dared to touch it; still it did not move. Then the greatest hero of the Frogs jumped upon the Log and commenced dancing up and down upon it, thereupon all the Frogs came and did the same; and for some time the Frogs went about their business every day without taking the slightest notice of their new King Log lying in their midst. But this did not suit them, so they sent another petition to Jove, and said to him, "We want a real king; one that will really rule over us." Now this made Jove angry, so he sent among them a big Stork that soon set to work gobbling them all up. Then the Frogs repented when too late.
Old Moral: Better no rule than cruel rule
New Moral: Something about socialism I guess. Also storks are assholes.
The Man Bitten by a Dog
A MAN who had been bitten by a Dog went about in quest of someone who might heal him. A friend, meeting him and learning what he wanted, said, "If you would be cured, take a piece of bread, and dip it in the blood from your wound, and go and give it to the Dog that bit you." The Man who had been bitten laughed at this advice and said, "Why? If I should do so, it would be as if I should beg every Dog in the town to bite me."
Old Moral: Benefits bestowed upon the evil-disposed increase their means of injuring you
New Moral: You should get a rabies inoculation soon after being bitten by a strange dog. This guy didn't and he probably has rabies now. Notice he seems to think that feeding one dog bloody bread will get all the dogs in town to bite him. Paranoia is a symptom of rabies. So is impotence. So go ahead and not get the rabies shot if you want to be a crazy person who can't get an erection. I'll be over here sound in mind and with a huge erection.
The Goose With the Golden Eggs
One day a countryman going to the nest of his Goose found there an egg all yellow and glittering. When he took it up it was as heavy as lead and he was going to throw it away, because he thought a trick had been played upon him. But he took it home on second thoughts, and soon found to his delight that it was an egg of pure gold. Every morning the same thing occurred, and he soon became rich by selling his eggs. As he grew rich he grew greedy; and thinking to get at once all the gold the Goose could give, he killed it and opened it only to find nothing.
Old Moral: Greed destroys the source of good.
New Moral: It is important to keep in mind production vs. capability ratios within a system such as that between population and hunting or fishing capacity. If herds are over hunted or schools are over fished, their ability to provide food for future generations can be diminished or even destroyed through extinction
The Dog and the Bone
A hound dog found a bone and held it tightly in his mouth. He growled and scowled at anyone who attempted to take it away. Off into the woods he went to bury his prize.
When he came to a stream, he trotted over the footbridge and happened to glance into the water. He saw his own reflection. Thinking it was another dog with a bigger bone, he growled and scowled at it. The reflection growled and scowled back.
"I'll get THAT bone too," thought the greedy dog, and he snapped his sharp teeth at the image in the water.
Alas, his own big bone fell with a splash, out of sight, the moment he opened his mouth to bite
Old Moral: By being greedy, one risks what one already has
New Moral: There is no moral. Nobody in this day and age can resist laughing at a dog with a "bone" in his mouth and they stop paying attention.
Maybe the moral is don't make fables that can be interpreted as being about blowjobs.
The Crow and the Pitcher
A CROW perishing with thirst saw a pitcher, and hoping to find water, flew to it with delight. When he reached it, he discovered to his grief that it contained so little water that he could not possibly get at it. He tried everything he could think of to reach the water, but all his efforts were in vain. At last he collected as many stones as he could carry and dropped them one by one with his beak into the pitcher, until he brought the water within his reach and thus saved his life.
Old Moral: Necessity is the mother of invention
New Moral: Crows have a full understanding of science or at the least physics.
The Ant and the Grasshopper
In a field one summer's day a Grasshopper was hopping about, chirping and singing to its heart's content. An Ant passed by, bearing along with great toil an ear of corn he was taking to the nest. "Why not come and chat with me," said the Grasshopper, "instead of toiling and moiling in that way?" "I am helping to lay up food for the winter," said the Ant, "and recommend you to do the same." "Why bother about winter?" said the Grasshopper; we have got plenty of food at present." But the Ant went on its way and continued its toil. When the winter came the Grasshopper had no food and found itself dying of hunger, while it saw the ants distributing every day corn and grain from the stores they had collected in the summer. Then the Grasshopper knew:
Old Moral: It is best to prepare for the days of necessity
New Moral: The Soviet Union fell because it was full of lazy Grasshoppers who would rather chat and try to undermine capitalism instead of preparing food for the long Siberian winter.