Art Garfunkel's Favorite Insults
"My Favorite Insults"by Art Garfunkel
Like a bushel basket of withered raspberries long off the vine, the
pimples on your face grow asunder...
(what an excellent jab at a lad suffering from acne!)
Standing in a corner all alone by himself, the solitary Larry takes a
Playboy from his shelf
(I had a roommate in college who was addicted to porn. He really
didn't appreciate it when I included it in a toast during his wedding)
Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will
know...BUT NOBODY ELSE DOES!
(haha, what a blow it would be to a female whose last name really is
Robinson. With a tweak here, and an amend or two there, it could
also be used for Robertson, Washington, Robin's son?)
Keep it in the pantry with your cupcakes!
(I used this on Paul Simon when he was realizing he was a homosexual)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme...It might help your breath smell
a little less like wine!
(I have made alcoholics quite irritated
with this gem)
I may look like a troll, but at least my wallet is secure and full!
(this one shelters me when I am made fun of for my appearance)
Go squander your existence for a pocketful of mumbles
(after this,
your victims will usually be too confused to utter a retort)
I'm Homeward Bound, where yo mama lies waiting silently for me.
(It
works best when you use this one to the tune of my wonderful hit song)
And my personal favorite...
When you try to pleasure your lover, I bet the only thing you hear
from her is The Sound of Silence
(I really can create quite a bit of umbrage among the simpletons now
and again!)