Why You Should Join the AARP, You Old Fart
Baby boomers, you're the generation of crazy rock music, failed attempts to radically change society before growing into the bastard you always despised growing up, unbelieveable self-absorption, and unprotected sex with groups of strangers in the outdoors (If you missed out on that part, too bad, it was ALOT of fun). But now you're getting old, your penis/vagina doesn't work like it used to, and music these days--while being only slightly more sexual than it was in your time--is now too much for your tastes. Yup, the world is too fast and scary for you to handle. You're probably not even reading this web site because the internet is too wild and confusing and you still don't know who is sending all these offers for mortgages and prescription pills in your Hotmail box. You're afraid of change, and that means you are ready to join the American Association of Retired Persons. Here are just a few of the exciting benefits you will enjoy with your membership.
A Free TV
AARPTV is automatically set to one channel, TV Land. You don't want to watch anything else. After all, you stopped paying attention to new TV shows after Seinfeld went off the air. What's the deal with all these shows your kids talk about, like The Office? That show doesn't even have a laugh track. How are you going to know when something is funny if the show doesn't tell you to laugh? And that Jon Stewart is way too mean to the president. He should be more like his friend Stephen Colbert. That guy reminds you of Bill O'Reilly, he's a straight shooter.
Too hell with new shows, you want to watch the same episode of MASH and Leave it to Beaver you've seen 500,000 times before. Hey, remember that episode of MASH where Hawkeye did something not really that funny to cope with the horrors of war? Or how about that one Leave it to Beaver where the Beaver did something bad and then tried to cover it up? Man, that show sucked.
At night, AARPTV will show Jay Leno, but the set automatically turns off before that Conan guy comes on, because you should have been in bed hours ago and that show is too confusing for you to handle. During the day, the TV will also play the Weather Channel, as well as CNN so you can see what's going in the world and complain that things were alot better in your day. You'll of course be ignoring the fact that people your age run every country on Earth, but your a Boomer, so it's not like you'd ever fucking admit you're wrong.
A Young Person to Talk to
Being old can be lonely. Even though you are represented by the most powerful lobby in Washington (AARP gives a modest grin), you feel voiceless and need to suddenly strike up long conversation with uninterested strangers. You're in luck! With all the cuts that have been made to college financial aid so there can be continued funding of Social Security and Medicare, as well as federal subsidies of PBS so they will keep on airing Lawrence Welk (yes, you're old, you're going to have to start watching that if you aren't already), young people are having a harder and harder time paying for college.
Their loss is our gain. The AARP has hired a small army of young people ready to listen to your monologues, no matter how worthless the content of what you have to say--bland small talk, longwinded stories about your youth, bathshit insane political views--no subject is so boring that these kids will not be forced listen to it. After all, they're being paid. They'll even nod and say "Yes" at various intervals. Have a war story? They'll even pretend they give a shit.
50% Discount on Vitamin Water
Wow, it's water, but flavored and with vitamins! What an amazing idea! I've never heard of anything this astounding before!
Oh, wait. Yes I have. It's called juice. I could see how you might miss it though. It's been around for a few thousand years.