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Who I Want To Be A Superhero

Have you ever watched the Sci Fi network? Ever since Mystery Science Theater 3000 was cancelled there isn't much of a reason to turn on the Sci Fi network. I don't really need to watch a terrible Sci Fi original movie, or a terrible Sci Fi original series. If they didn't show wrestling on Tuesdays I would probably just forget that it existed. Then one day somebody would say "Hey Johnny there's a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon on the Sci Fi network tomorrow, do you want to watch it while we drink champagne coolies and snuggle on my couch?" and I would say "Sci Fi network is still on? Man, I thought they went off the air," before saying yes.

SuperheroWell, one day after wrestling I forgot to turn off the channel and started watching Who Wants to Be a Superhero. This is a reality show where people come up with a superhero persona and then compete in a series of competitions to see who is the best superhero. The winner then gets to have a Sci Fi original movie made about their character. That movie will be watched by literally zero people ever. It will be so bad not even the people who are in the movie will watch it in its entirety. Rather than screen the film, critics will just declare it the worst movie ever and then spend two hours not watching a pile of shit.

The main problem with Who Wants to Be a Superhero, besides it being on the Sci Fi network and everybody involved in its production being idiots, is the low caliber quality of the superheroes. The heroes are all cliché, stupid, and lack depth. It's like the contestants were given five minutes to come up with their superhero identity and they all went with the first thing they came up with. It would also appear that most of them decided to go with being a completely normal human with no powers in a bad Halloween costume. The exception was the guy who broke the mold and made an elaborate foam rubber suit that makes it impossible for him to sit down or move quickly. His superhero abilities include looking like a turtle and a complete lack of pride.

I bet you dollars to donuts I could come up with at least five awesome superheroes that would make everybody involved with Who Wants to be a Superhero shit their pants because of how awesome they are. Stan Lee would take one look at me and realize he has wasted his life creating gay new X-Men with the power to shoot gay butt beams when he could have had me come up with somebody a billion times better and not gay.

Professor Bringdown

Professor Bringdown originates from an idea I had concerning the new show Steve-O has. From my understanding the show has Steve-O doing basically what he did on Jackass but on a different network. I thought it would be awesome if there was a guy on there who always told Steve-O that the stunt would not work, and backed up his claim with facts and figures. For example, Steve-O would be about to ride a tricycle across a tightrope over a crocodile pen then Professor Bringdown would come by and say "I'm sorry to inform you dear chap, but I doubt you will be able to satisfactorily perform this feat. Given wind speeds for today as well as the crocodiles ability to jump up to four feet I will only give you a 10% chance of success." This would bum everybody out and they would think Steve-O was going to fail. Then Steve-O would defy the odds, everybody would cheer, and Professor Bringdown would be so shocked that he was wrong that his monocle would fall out of his eye.

I think Professor Bringdown could easily be brought into the superhero world. Supervillains always have insane plans that are very improbable. Professor Bringdown will tell them how little sense it makes to try to blow up the moon and this will bum out the supervillain, leaving him distracted and wide open for an attack. Professor Bringdown can even convince the supervillain just to give up if he is persuasive enough.

I imagine Professor Bringdown would dress like a stereotypical professor, tweed coat with leather patches, corduroy pants, and a cardigan. I've never actually seen a professor dress like this, all of my professors wore jeans and polo shirts, but maybe things are different at accredited universities. In addition to the professor garb he will have a monocle and pipe. He speaks with a condescending New England accent.

Spaige

With the combined powers of Spinner and Paige, Spaige battles against all the evils threatening Canada. Villainy holds little hope against Spaige's huge erection and bitchy demeanor. Spaige can both drive a teacher insane, and drive away rapists with rock and roll. Spaige will eat your bowel and tear off your dress at prom. Don't think you are safe in the bathroom either. Spaige can go in both in the men's and woman's rooms. When all is said and done Spaige is a formidable foe who has few weaknesses. The only things that can stop Spaige are difficult college level math exams and teachers who punish people that indirectly caused a school shooting by convincing somebody else to pull a mean prank. If Spaige has it out for you then that is it. Spaige does not give up or accept bribes. You can try to give Spaige a can of cheese whiz or a see through purse, but that will just make Spaige angrier.

Spaige of course has a sidekick. Aiding Spaige is an endrongenus black person, who has huge knockers and a rocket powered wheelchair. Spaige's costume is a belly shirt, track pants, and a face that can only be described as heavenly. Some of Spaige's enemies are Tiberious, a criminal tailor who has the ability to make somebody's pants disappear and Super Dean the Rape Machine.

Jesusauras

SuperheroA down on his luck messiah has his DNA spliced with that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and he becomes Jesusauras! With the ability to perform miracles and turn into a gigantic dinosaur, Jesusauras fights evil wherever it may rear its ugly head.

Jesusauras is a great addition to any crime fighting team. Every group of heroes needs somebody who can grow big. How else do you fight the giant space mutant that is knocking over skyscrapers, or defeat the big ass robot from Japan. Jesusauras fills that void much better then Apache Chief, or anybody like him, because he turns into a dinosaur and dinosaurs are bad ass. Don't believe me? Go to the nearest toy story and see how many dinosaur coloring books there are, not check how many Indian coloring books there are. I believe my point has been made…TO THE EXTREME!

"To the extreme" is also Jesusauras' catchphrase. Don't ask why, just flow with it.

Spoilerinia

A sexy vixen (because all comic book woman are required by law to be sexy) who uses her mind powers to find something the villain is really into. She then threatens to tell him events that are going to happen in the series unless he stops committing crime. This might sound like it is an ineffective power, but you would probably be surprised as how into Harry Potter most villains are. Combine this with the fact that most villains are so busy with their villainy that they don't get a lot of reading done and you have a heroine who can stop the most deadly villain in his tracks, assuming of course that he doesn't want her to spoil something. If he doesn't care or isn't sentimental then she is pretty useless. She does have huge knockers though, which is pretty nice. She also wears really revealing clothes, so hey, at least you can get off to a picture of her.

Mister History

SuperheroJohann History was born in 1857 in Cambridge, England to the affluent Linda and Mortimer History. He graduated from Oxford in 1877 and soon afterwards went on an archeological dig in Egypt. Here he unearthed what would turn out to be a powerful alien relic. Cyborg Vampires from the future traveling back in time to find the relic attack Johann History. They use their mechanical fangs to insert nanabots into Johann that make him into their slave. As a side effect, they also prevent him from aging.

Johann History is forced to serve the Cyborg Vampires from the future for many long years before he is finally freed by the Vampire Cyborgs from the future. Even though he is free, the nanobots remain inside of him, preventing him from aging. He takes advantage of his eternal life to learn everything historical that he can.

Now he is ready to put that knowledge to good use. Calling himself Mister History he believes that his vast knowledge will help save the world. He has a saying "History always repeats itself" and he believes his knowledge of history can help fight crime. He knows if a crime is similar to one committed in the past. He knows the history of that painting stolen from the museum. He knows who won the Hundred Years' War. He doesn't just know about history, he has lived it. He is Mister History and he is here to prove that knowledge ispower!

Jesusthesaurus

Pretty much Jesusauras but instead of turning into a huge dinosaur, he just knows a lot of different words that mean the same thing.

The Infinity Kid

The main problem with Who Wants to Be a Superhero is that you can't actually depict superpowers in real life. Sure you can talk about mind powers all you want but that doesn't mean jack squat if you can't use telekinesis to flip up a hot chick's skirt, which we all know we would do. The Infinity Kid takes advantage of this flaw in the show to make himself the greatest superhero in the world. He can do anything, fly, shoot heat rays, use mind powers, turn invisible, breath in space, deflect bullets, anything. The thing is on the show he doesn't have to display any of them. He is as lame as all the other lamerods on the show, but at least his character supposedly is the most powerful of them all. He can even keep making up powers as time goes on. It will also be awesome when he hits on the woman on the show by telling them he can stretch his body, any part of his body, you know ANY part of his body…(at this point he would drop his pants to reveal his quickly erecting penis)

Black Gambit

Black Gambit is an invention of mine based off of the X-Man Gambit. Gambit is the greatest of the X-Men. He has the mutant power to make shit glow and then explode. He then uses this power to make playing cards into deadly projectiles and chains into glowing chains that are probably more deadly then not glowing chains. Imagine what would happen if he chose to make an actual explosive glow and then explode. I imagine he could make a M-80 so explosive that it would destroy Maine. Hell, imagine if he started using baseballs as his projectile instead of playing cards. He could have prevented the genocide in Rwanda, or maybe, just maybe, he could have done it himself.

Besides making shit glow, Gambit is the world's greatest love machine. Woman have been known to join the X-Men just for the chance to have sex with Gambit. He had sex with Rouge even though she kills people by touching them. Not only did Gambit not die but it actually made him stronger. The feat hones his sexual prowess and made him even better at pleasuring the ladies.

This led to Gambit getting his own comic series, The Erotic Adventures of Gambit which was written, drawn, and published by me. In this series Gambit travels the world having erotic adventures with many woman, and dealing with the consequences of seduction like angry boyfriends, or succubus. In issue #263 Gambit is having sex with a black woman in a cloning machine when it accidentally goes off. The result is a version of Gambit who is black. This means he has the power of Gambit and the power of a black guy. Black Gambit is an unstoppable combination of power, stamina, ability to make things glow, and size. If Black Gambit were on Who Wants to Be a Superhero then the show would have a rating of TV MA for coarse language, adult situations, and hardcore love making which lasts all night and leaves the male contestants alone and scared.