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The Web BtC

A Guide to Shows That Are On 24 Hour News Channels

The ½ Hour News Hour

The Daily Show recieved a huge burst of popularity when they started focusing on politics during the 2000 election. Afterwards the program kept a focus on politics and made great observations about how Bush is dumb, and Congress is not very effective. These creative insights propelled The Daily Show to one of Comedy Central's top shows, making it even more popular than Battle Bots.

The Daily Show constantly bashes Bush and the Republican party. Feeling this bias is not fair and balanced enough, Fox News returned fire with their own news satire show, The ½ Hour News Hour. Apparently somebody didn't tell Fox News that The Daily Show constantly bashes Bush and the Republicans because they are in charge, and making fun of the Democrats is kind of mean. The Democrats have done such a terrible job capitalizing on the fact that everybody hates Bush that I think they, as a collective unit, may be retarded. It's not fun to make fun of the retards.

The ½ Hour News Hour is a bizarro version of The Daily Show, and opposite in every way. While The Daily Show bashes Bush, The ½ Hour News Hour praises him. The Daily Show makes fun of anybody who has done something dumb. The ½ Hour News Hour makes fun of Democrats. The Daily Show is funny, The ½ Hour News Hour is not funny.

Despite The ½ Hour News Hour not being funny, not being creative, and the hosts having no charisma it is still better then The Daily Show because after every single joke you get to yell "Take that liberals!" Try it sometime. It's a good stress reliever.

Mad Money

CNBC's Mad Money is a show so intense that it would take an extra large custom made intensity reader just to measure how intense it is. Jim Cramer spends the show screaming advice on stocks and pressing buttons on a soundboard, so that while he is telling you how one stock is going to fail you can hear glass shattering and know he is serious about it. He presses those buttons a lot too. I knew a couple of guys who played a drinking game where they had a drink everytime he pressed a button. By the time the show was halfway over they were both begging for mercy. When Uncle Jim gets on a roll he can press the button for the bear noise nine or ten times while screaming at the top of his lungs.

Jim Cramer is so intense that I think he had a heart attack while on the show. I was watching Mad Money when his face turned beat red, he grabbed his arm, and then started flopping on the ground, still ranting about stocks the entire time. The show went to a commercial and when it returned he was standing again. Some people see this as evidence that he did not suffer from a heart attack. I assume it means they keep a defibrillator on set.

Nancy Grace

Nancy Grace is a huge bitch. I'm not very familiar with her show since she annoys the hell out of me, but I have been able to come to the conclusion that she is one of the most horrible people alive. Nancy Grace seems to think that any person accused of a crime is guilty and should be executed. Trials just get in the way. Anytime a person is believed to be a suspect and is not immediately sent to jail she is outraged. She was angry that the suspect in the Natalie Holloway kidnapping was released because of a lack of evidence. He had been held in custody for something like a month, and according to Aruban law he either had to be charged or released. Nancy Grace couldn't understand why they would release somebody just because there wasn't enough evidence to go to trial. In her mind he should have been held forever without ever going to trial. Nancy Grace does not believe somebody can be innocent. There are only guilty parties. Even people who have a crime committed against them are guilty because if they didn't exist the crime couldn't have been committed. Nancy Grace believes that victims should go to jail as accomplices. Once everyone in the world is in jail, then Nancy Grace will be happy.

Billie Green once told me he thinks Nancy Grace acts like she does because she only watches the first half of Law & Order. In Law & Order, they are always sure that the first suspect they come up with committed the crime and they go after him ruthlessly. It isn't until the second half of the episode that they realize it was somebody else and eventually have a trial. However, by that time Nancy Grace has changed the channel to Toon Disney and assumed that the first person accused of a crime is always guilty and that there are no trials.

To Catch a Predator

MSNBC pretty much just shows To Catch a Predator these days. That's fine with me, that show is awesome. Not only does it clean up the internets but it provides hilarious moments as people realize their lives are ruined and they try to come up with an excuse for why they are there in a house alone with a little girl.

To Catch A Predator

Hello, what's going on?

To Catch A Predator

Oh shit…I mean I'm just hanging out you know.

To Catch A Predator

Could you tell me what you are doing here?

To Catch A Predator

Oh you know, keeping it real. Julie invited me over.

To Catch A Predator

Did you know that she is 14 years old?

To Catch A Predator

Yes. I mean no. Uh, she told me she's 20. That's right. She said she is 20 not 14 and I said I wanted to hang out and watch Meerkat Manor. I did not say I wanted to plow her in the ass.

To Catch A Predator

Well I have this copy of a conversation you two had online. You say "Hey baby, I'm glad you are 14 because I want to plow that sweet ass."

To Catch A Predator

Um, that was a joke. That's right a joke. Haven't you ever seen Astronaut Jones? He says that kind of stuff all the time.

To Catch A Predator

Hey you leave me out of this!

Hannity and Colmes

Here is my impression of Alan Colmes

"Look at me I'm Alan Colmes. I'm a Democrat. I want Bill Clinton to come over to my house for a sleepover. I sure do hate those big mean Republicans. Sometimes I get so mad I put on a dress and cry. If I get to upset I pee in my panties."

So basically I think Alan Colmes is a huge wuss and I hate him. You know Sean Hannity specifically picked him to be on the show to make liberals look bad. No matter what position Comes takes it will then be referred to as the position taken by huge pussies.

Sean Hannity in the meantime is laying every bitch he sees and tearing phone books in half with his manly jowls. He has sex with Colmes's wife all the time, and makes Colmes wait in the car while they do it. One time Colmes objected to this. Hannity was so pissed he ran Colmes's underwear up the flag pole, WHILE HE WAS STILL WEARING IT! Another time, Hannity took Colmes's ice cream cone without even asking for permission. That was a cold move there. Colmes is still glad to be on Hannity and Colmes though. He at least gets to be on TV and get his views heard, even if they are only heard by people who hate him.

The O'Reilly Factor

Get ready for the no spin zone bitches! O'Reilly is getting ready to take off on fun and adventure. Strap in, hold on, and make sure your socks are secure less they be blown off of your feet. Those with weak hearts or bladders better not enter the no spin zone cause when this ride takes off it doesn't stop until you are either dead or covered in semen.

Christmas only comes once a year but Big Bill O'Reilly comes twice a day and when I say "Big" I am referring to his penis size and when I say "he comes twice a day" I am referring to both how many times his show is aired and how many times he ejaculates on the face of a fine woman. Space Mountain is ready sister. Are you going to get on this ride? Are you ready for the fight of your life? Do you think you can satisfy the Reilly Machine like no other woman ever had? Well let me tell you he runs rough but he runs for a long time. The oil might be a little low and the brakes are shot but the Reillierati is going to drive into your tunnel going 120 miles per hour. The only spin Bill allows is the spinning in your head after he gets down rocking you up and down like a boat in a hurricane.

Here's the most ridicules item of the day, any other man thinking he has even an ounce of Bill O'Reilly's sexual prowess. He won't cut off your mike but he will shut you up by pulling down his news briefs and sticking his 15 inches of power into your mouth. Don't fight it. Just accept it. Pretend that thing is a falafel and suck out the creamy filling. Bill O'Reilly isn't a newsman, he is the news itself. Here is the headline. "Extra! Extra! Sex God shows the liberals whose boss by fucking all their wives." You've just been Factorized!

That show that always shows footage of the water skiing squirrel

That show that always shows footage of the water skiing squirrel

Kickass.

CNN Newsroom

A good break from the usual news channel subjects. Rather then pratting on endlessly about politics and popular issues you can watch Newsroom and find out the latest celebrity news. I know its suppose to talk about more then celebrities but I don't think they usually do. That's fine. Its not like was is more important then what Paris Hilton did in jail or anything. This is a fun show to watch because you can play "Is the sprawl more important then what they are talking about." You'll be reading a fluff piece about Donald Trump and Rossie O'Donnel and on the bottem of the screen it will say "Explosions rock China-45 dead" and you will wonder why China is exploding but will never find out. That's how the newsworks. Its not about what is important or relevant, its about what will get the lowest common denominator to watch. That's fine really. Lets just let the news channels be about entertainment. I can get my news from blogs or something. Blogs don't fact check and are always partial, so they are just like news programs.

 

I'm Johnny Dangerous, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.