Let's Assume These News Stories Are About A Penis

Billy Green - 08/27/07

I sometimes browse Yahoo's Odd News section. I don't find many of the stories amusing, or even interesting, but sometimes an article for this site is due in two hours and, haven spent all week in bed crying, I don't have anything written and Johnny hasn't sent me anything, so I need something to put on the front page quick.

So for this week, I am going to present several Odd News stories and we're going to pretend that all these stories are actually about a penis. Then we'll laugh because we all have the maturity of eleven year olds.

Boy in court for throwing sausage

LONDON (Reuters) - A 12-year-old British boy appeared in court Wednesday charged with assault for throwing a sausage at a pensioner, police said.

In this case, we'll assume that "sausage" is the British term for "penis". At least it's the term British newspapers use so they don't get hauled into Her Royal Majesty's Court of Inquest on charges of publishing indecencies against the common good and risk getting thrown into the Tower of London.

"Charging was the only option because the boy had previously been issued with three reprimands on separate occasions," a Greater Manchester Police spokeswoman said.

It looks like Britain is surprisingly tolerant when it comes to boys whipping government workers in he face with their penises.

"If he has done what was suggested it is very bad behavior," District Judge Tim Devas was reported as saying in the Manchester Evening News. "But is it in the public interest to prosecute a 12-year-old boy who threw a sausage?"

I think it is awesome that Britain is chalking this up to youthful foolishness and not coming down hard ont he boy. If people in the US will willing to look the other way on matters such as this, I would have been able to graduate the fourth grade.

Snake rattles solo pilot in Mississippi

BROOKHAVEN, Miss. - It was no movie moment when a physician, flying himself across Mississippi in a one-seat plane, discovered a stowaway — a gray rat snake.

An old man flying a plane didn't realize until he was in the air that he forgot to wear pants.

Boy really really doesn't like snakes...

CINCINNATI - A man who shows snakes and other reptiles at schools, festivals and libraries says a boy who told the man he hated snakes stomped and killed the man's 10-foot-long python.

There is a guy who has been exposing himself in front of schools. Finally, one boy was fed up with this and stomped his penis. I assume when they story says 10 foot they meant 10 inches. Though, I think if you did have a 10 foot long penis, it's your duty to show it to as many people as possible.

Man accused of biting girlfriend's snake

BELFAST, Northern Ireland - A Northern Ireland man bit his girlfriend's pet snake in half during a fight and remarked that it "tasted lovely," lawyers testified Friday.

Shane Cooke, a 33-year-old bricklayer, was arraigned in Belfast High Court on charges of assaulting his girlfriend, Coleen McGleenon, and fatally torturing her royal python Aug. 4.

Dude was shocked to learn he was dating a transsexual. You see this guys all the time on Jerry Springer. Some guy will come on the show and learn the girl he has been engaged to is really a man. He'll always be "What? I thought all women had a penis and testicles. Every woman I've been with has. No one ever told me different growing up. Boy, do I ever feel like the fool now!"

Woman sets fire to ex-husband's penis

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said Wednesday.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was "difficult to predict."

Drinking vodka, watching TV naked instead of working and having his penis on fire, this guy is a perfect Russian stereotype. I also guess this story is really about a penis. Yahoo's Odd News does have at least one story about a woman attacking a man's penis every week.