Illustrated Mitch Hedberg Quotes
"Mitch Hedburg also is passed away. He was such a great joke writer. But I think Mitch was such an entity unto himself that what I got from him was that there’s jokes in the normal things. Kind of like how Seinfeld does it—observational humor—but Mitch’s observational humor, he got it from a different dimension." - Dave Attell
"I know Mitch liked it when other artists and musicians liked his comedy…..from one artist to another, y’know? Mitch always considered stand-up an art form." - Lynn Shawcroft, Hedberg’s widow
I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "excuse me" he said "get the hell out of my way,", so I said "Go to hell", and I ran away. He caught up to me, he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eybrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3-earings. He said "Hey man, you have a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey man, you have a lot of cranium accessories." - Mitch Hedberg
I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. - Mitch Hedberg
I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes - Mitch Hedberg
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll give you the money, you give me the doughnut—end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend—"Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut—I got the documentation right here! Oh wait, it's back home in the file…under 'D'…for doughnut." 'Cuz we all know what 'D' is." - Mitch Hedberg
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough." - Mitch Hedberg