Rinkin of Dragon Forest

9. Greth the Faithful

The end of the drought means changes to the countryside. Mostly there is more water. Actually I guess that's the only change. The book briefly describes how some foxes use their tails to fish. I don't think foxes actually do this. Rinkin doesn't do this either. Instead he tries to get fish by scaring some heron. He reasons that if he scares the heron while they are holding a fish then he can eat the fish. This has never worked, but Rinkin isn't one to let complete and utter failure to get in the way of a plan.

The herons are named Greke and Scella. The heron's back story goes like this: Greke was in love with Greth, but then Scella came by and he fell in love with her. Greth then moved to a “mooreland tar” (whatever the fuck that is) and became known as Greth the faithful. Fascinating stuff I know.

Rinkin is about to put operation Fish Scare into action when a tree tells him to stop being such a dick because Scella is dead. The wind points out that Greke won't be able to survive on his own because he is old and suffers from dementia. The wind then points out that if Greth knew Greke was alone she would come and help him. Rinkin points out that the wind should get Greth, to which the wind responds.

The wind is kind of a nut. Rinkin decides to go find Greth. You know for a moment there I thought the title was just a typo and was suppose to be Greke the Faithful and it would be about how he is faithful to his dead wife's memory.

Rinkin gets to Mooreland and has a brief conversation with Billy-Wix the owl. Did I mention yet how much I hate the names of the animals in this book? Well I do. Fucking England and its fucking stupid animal names.

Billy-Wix says there are a bunch of monsters and then gives Rinkin directions to the tavern that Greth lives at. Greth is an alcoholic.

I'm going to skip the journey over the moores because I don't understand what is suppose to be going on. Rinkin talks about walking on a monster and that just makes no sense. I understand that the book is suppose to be from the perspective of an animal, and Thora Colson is trying to show how animals don't understand man made things, but in this case she did way to good of a job.

Eventually Rinkin fines Greth and there is this gem.

My inner 6th grader is losing it right now. Ha ha, ejaculated.

Rinkin does the Zen thing, and tells Greth the news without telling her the news, literally. He just stares her down and somehow she divines that Scella has fallen. Then she flies off.

Rinkin is glad he actually succeeded for once, but he is in a bad spot. He is in unfamiliar territory and it is after sunrise. Some pine trees berate Rinkin for messing up and do not offer any kind of helpful advice. Fuck you pine trees Rinkin was on a mission of mercy. Rinkin then hears the dreaded sounds of the hunting horn. It's a fox hunt!

10. The Capture of Firk

Rinkin learns how to survive what he refers to as “the season of the hounds” mostly be not sleeping in wheat fields during the day. Instead he sleeps in coverts. On his way out of a covert one night he is startled by a partridge and snarls at it. Then he flips out about how awesome it is to snarl.

Rinkin is a nut.

Rinkin follows a mouse scent for a while and then it goes under a holly tree, he has another crazy soliloquy, this time about the tree.

Is it just me or is Rinkin starting to talk like the villain from a super Nintendo RPG. All we need to do is give him a cape and call him Magus.

Rinkin leaves the hollies and finds some birch trees. He says they have the muscles of elephants and the grace of swans. I've never thought of a tree as being graceful, mostly because trees don't move and it's hard to be graceful without moving. You know what's graceful? Figure skaters. Now those sons of bitches are like swans.

Rinkin and the trees kind of talk to each other and Rinkin comes to the conclusion that the trees are his allies. I don't know if you should trust them Rinkin, the last time you trusted people you nearly got set on fire.

Sweet, Rinkin has spidey sense.

Rinkin wants to know what the danger is; luckily Ferrywhisk the squirrel is here to help.

Really now Ferrywhisk? It's getting harder and harder to believe that the names of the animals are taken from old English words for that animal. What self respecting Saxon would go around calling squirrels ferrywhisks? It would be down right embarrassing. No wonder England got taken over by France for awhile.

Ferrywhisk informs Rinkin that he thinks Firk is in trouble (You remember Firk right? He is Rinkin's brother) and that it might be a man. The squirrel runs of to confirm this. He returns and reveals that a man and a dog got Firk and put him in a sack. It wasn't just any man either. It was Woodcutter Galloway , Keeper of the hens. He has a chip on his shoulder because everybody assumes he is a woodcutter, not a hen keeper, and then he has to explain that woodcutter is his first name, not his profession To get rid of this anger he kills random animals he catches in the woods. Firk is in deep deep trouble, not unlike Bart in the song Deep Deep Trouble on the album The Simpsons Sing the Blues. If this was a movie, and not a book, then that song would be playing right now.

Ranty just sort of appears, and they decide they have to save Firk. Rinkin is facing the humans again, and this time it's personal.

Rinkin, Ranty, and Ferrywhisk follow the man's trail to a clearing. Ferrwhisk gets scared and takes cover because he sees an owl. The foxes have no time for fear; the only thing on their minds is justice. They sneak their way through the clearing and climb a rock, but woe is what they find. There is Firk lying on the grass dead, surrounded by three men. Rinkin and Ranty take their last looks at Firk. This isn't enough for Rinkin though. He sneaks closer, careful of the men. He gets closure but then makes for the woods. There is nothing they can do now.

Ranty joins Rinkin in the woods and they are both bummed about their brother's death. Then out of nowhere here comes Firk! Turns out he was just playing dead. He was so convincing he not only fooled those asshole humans but also his brothers. Oh Firk you rapscallion. Rinkin points out that they should get away from the men, so they take off. Then they find a place to spend the night and catch up on old times.

Please note this is yet another adventure where Rinkin failed to do anything helpful. Sure Firk ended up okay, but it had nothing to do with Rinkin himself.

11. Running before Hounds

The three foxes enjoy their time together but Ranty and Firk decide to seek out richer country and Rinkin goes with them for awhile. Then they part ways because Ranty and Frik are creepy. They are definitely one of those brother duos who only hang out with each other and probably have butt sex. You don't know for sure if they have butt sex, but there is enough of a possibility that you don't want to be anywhere near them ever.

On his own again Rinkin lives a vagabond lifestyle, hiding in a new place each night and having interesting conversations with creatures that he probably ends up not eating even though they are a prey species and as a fox he should be eating them.

One day he comes upon the scent of a fox. He finds a out cropping of rocks with a fox or two (it's not clear how many there are do to the confusing writing) being stalked by a dog. The foxes run away and Rinkin is impressed with their speed. He then goes under the rocks and takes a nap. I guess the dog followed the other foxes or something.

Later Rinkin wakes up with his danger sense on high alert. It's the hounds! Those damned Englishmen and their fox hunts. Hey English people, it's not fair if you bring a bunch of dogs with you! Be a real man and hunt foxes one on one.

Rinkin knows how to get away from hounds, but he is unfamiliar with the layout of the land. He plans on either running into a river so that the hounds lose his scent or into a sheep herd to disguise his scent but he can't find either. Sucks to be him.

Without options Rinkin hides in a tree. Did you know foxes could climb trees? I bet you didn't but they can!

Rinkin is thinking he is all clever because the dogs can't get him. Then he realizes that the dogs are just keeping him in one place until the humans can come and kill him. Yes, Rinkin once again learns the harsh lesson, he is not smarter then anybody else in the world. No matter how clever he thinks he is, it's really his opponent who is the smart one. Rinkin's hopes lies in freak environmental occurrences and coincidence.

Sure enough out of nowhere comes Flexy. You remember Flexy right? She is Rinkin's sister, really likes fairies. Come on man, you have to remember her. It wasn't that long ago that I last talked about her. Really, no recollection of who she is at all? Well press Ctrl F and search for Flexy. All right, you remember who she is now? Good. Let's continue.

Flexy comes and gets the hounds to chase her, thus saving Rinkin. Hey Thora Colson, you know Dues Ex Machina is usually used at the end of a story right? Not in every single fucking chapter. Jesus Christ.

Rinkin reasons that Flexy will be fine since she was fresh and the hounds were tired. Still he decides to follow the hunt and see if she survived. Oddly enough nobody knows what happened to her. It's a mystery. A holly tree tells Rinkin that Flexy is okay, but you can never trust a holly tree. I don't want to sound racist, but holly trees are dirty lying assholes.

12. Friends in Winter

Rinkin journeys on, looking for evidence of Flexy's fate. This would be sort of noble except all he ever does is journey to no place in particular. He's basically doing the same thing he has ever done.

One day Rinkin is looking for mice at a farm where this exchange takes place.

“Hey, you think the mice and rats might run away since they can clearly hear us talking loudly about dividing them up for dinner? It's just that we must be some distance apart as I can't clearly see you plus you're an owl, so you're probably in a tree or something.”

Stupid fucking animals. What's with that “Rinkin of Cumberfell” comment? Since when does Rinkin know what county he's from? No where else does he introduce himself like that. He should say he is Rinkin of Dragon's Wood since he is from Dragon's Wood and also because that is the title of the book.

Anyways I mostly included that conversation so you can see what I have had to go through while writing this article. The entire damn book is written like that and it gets really annoying. Take “Slunk up to the bristle hulk” for example, that phrase is still pissing me off.

I guess that's enough ranting for now (I said ranting not Ranty). Rinkin asks the owls if they know Flexy and how she is doing. The owls want to know why he wants to know how she is doing. Rinkin acts all nonchalant and just says he is curious about her. He does not mention that he wants to know if she died saving his pathetic ass. The owls say she is doing well and eats a lot of duck. I can't blame her duck tastes good.

Rinkin eats his rats and then wanders off satisfied that his sister is not dead. Some fir trees start bad mouthing him, blaming foxes for needless slaughter. Rinkin justifies his actions saying that predators need to practice their hunting skills and hide away food for nights where there is no booty. Yes he really does say booty. I guess my comment earlier about foxes being pirates of the woods is pretty accurate. Rinkin just said booty and pirates say booty. There is an intense kindred spirit between pirates and foxes. I bet if pirates roamed the northern Atlantic they would have had foxes on their shoulders instead of parrots.

Suddenly Rinkin picks up Flexy's scent. Then Flexy shows up. Rinkin thanks Flexy decides to go with her because they are equals. Flexy does not agree to this and tells Rinkin that she is going off alone. Then she runs away and Rinkin is unable to catch her. I guess they aren't as equal as Rinkin thought. At the very least she is faster then he is.

Rinkin is sad to be alone and wonders where all the other animals are. Winter is coming but he doesn't actually know what winter is, being that he hasn't been alive for an entire year yet. Then he starts crying and is immediately embarrassed that he cried. Then some other foxes come by. They're names are Tharky, Rurfin and Bruff. When I have kids I am naming one of them Bruff.

This tenacious trio explains that they have a home nearby that is shared by a bunch of different foxes. Anybody that comes by can stay there, assuming of course that they are a fox, and also that they don't smell. It's sort of like a time share but with foxes. There is also a wood louse there that recites really shitty poetry. The poems are just a rhyming pair of couplets. So while it isn't good poetry it's at least short. The foxes complain that the poems are short but the wood louse tells them to repeat it to themselves if they want it longer. He should be less mouthy around creatures that can eat him.

Rinkin asks some questions about winter and Rurfin tells him it's because of Jack Frost or something. Then they have a brief conversation where Rinkin tries to figure out how to kill Jack Frost. I hope he comes up with some sort of scheme. I hate winter. If Jack Frost's death means no more shoveling snow then I give my full support to Rinkin and his assassination plans. Of course knowing Rinkin he'll just fuck it up and then we're going to hope that either Jack Frost gets struck by lightening or Flexy comes by and kills him. This is a job that is far too important to put in the hands of Rinkin.

13. The Homing of the Dragon

I've only got 13 pages left in this book, awesome. I'm so close to the end that I can taste it. It tastes…like victory.

The foxy foursome are having a grand old time hanging out in their condo and going out at night looking for prey. It reminds me of this one time I shared an apartment in Mexico City with three homosexuals. They always brought me out drinking with them, for protection I assume, and people always referred to us as “los quarto gay amigos”. I don't know what that means because I don't speak Spanish. I assume it means three gays and their way hetero friend.

One day Bruff does not return to the den and the wind informs them that Bruff was shot to death. NOOOOOO! Why did they take Bruff! Couldn't they have taken me instead!

Rinkin considers avenging Bruff. Apparently he has forgotten about the last five times man nearly killed him. Then some old dude named Rawny comes by and inform them that he has come to take over Bruff's territory. The temp agency got a replacement into there really fast.

Rinkin is getting poor results around the den, and decides to take off for a place with easier hunting. He wonders around in the snow for awhile. He assumes that the snow is magic and ponders “Can one fight magic.”

No you can't Rinkin. And I mean that specifically to you. Another, more able, fox may be able to fight magic, but not you. You suck.

Rinkin comes upon some railroad tracks and a tunnel. Then he sees the dragon go into the tunnel realizes this must be the dragon's lair. I guess I was wrong earlier when I said the dragon was a car. It's actually a train. That's still pretty lame. I want an actual fucking dragon. Trains don't breath fire! They never breath fire!

Oh hey, that's the end of the chapter. Not a lot of action in that one. The one big event took place off screen.

14. The Dragon's Lair

Some owl comes up to Rinkin and tells a story about how Faws (That was Rinkin's father, remember? Come on. Damn it press CTRL F then search for Faws. Remember him now? No? You didn't really do the search did you? Fuck you then) went into the dragon's cave and when he exited a few weeks later he was the most ass kicking fox in the forest.

Rinkin figures that the owl is probably trying to kill him. I guess Rinkin must be getting smarter. In the past he just believed whatever anybody said, now he knows that they want to murder him. However Rinkin decides to go into the dragon's den anyways. I guess he is still upset over the death of Bruff and is feeling suicidal. I can't blame him. Who would want to live in a world without Bruff?

In the cave Rinkin is confused because there is no evidence of prey or side tunnels. As humans we know this is because it's a train, not a dragon. Stupid tardo foxes just assume it's because dragon's are very neat and have no need for tunnels other then the main passage. Then Rinkin hears another dragon coming. Oh shit it's the dragon's mate! Rinkin tries to get away, but the tunnel is straight. He can't hide off in a side passage, nor can he escape in time. Rinkin turns towards his adversary. He leaps into the middle of the track. Foxes fought! And hoped for victory as long as they lived to hope! Rinkin bellows out a roar! Today we will prove that even a god-king-dragon can bleed! He bends down, getting low, ready to strike…

And then the train hits him and drags him for awhile.

15. Rinkin's Prize

Rinkin thinks he is dead and is relived that he won't have to struggle through life anymore. See I told you he was suicidal. A rook is flying around yelling “Dead fox.” Then it lands near him, probably intent on eating his eyeballs. Rinkin doesn't let that kind of shit fly so he attacks the rook. Then Rinkin realizes he must be alive.

That is a very rousing soliloquy. However about 30 seconds later Rinkin is dissatisfied with his lot in life. He reasons that he should have gotten a better prize for facing the dragon. I can't blame him either. If I had gotten his by a train I would certainly want some sort of satisfaction.

There is an old saying where I come from. The only true satisfaction comes from fucking a fox. So when Rinkin soon finds himself face to face with a beauty of a vixen and wants to tap that sweet ass and claim her as his prize. Trouble is there is some cock blocker hanging nearby who wants to do the same thing. Rinkin has found confidence in himself after getting run down by the dragon, and isn't about to let this total stranger steal away this other stranger from him. Today they duel!

I'm not going to describe the whole duel. In short Rinkin kicks ass and takes names. Almost being hit by a train is the best thing to ever happen to this young fox. He has gained confidence and met a female fox that he is not related to. Really that is all anybody needs to get laid. Having a nice car helps, but it isn't a requirement. It also helps if you don't smell like cat urine. I learned that one the hard way.

In the end Rinkin decides that he misses Dragon's Wood. He misses the trees, and the rabbits and all of his friends. Apparently he forgot that most of these “friends” have tried to kill him at one point or another. I guess that's just what its like to be homesick. You remember all the good times and not when people try to kill you. The story ends with this line,

“Up!” he ordered Frue. “The day is ours. We make for Dragon's Wood.”

So the book ends with Rinkin ordering his new wife to leave everything she knows behind and come to a place haunted by a dragon. He doesn't ask if she wants to go or even sees if she has an opinion on the matter. Just a straight up command. Nobody ever accused Thora Colson of being a feminist.

That's the end of the book. Together we have watched Rinkin grow up from a mischievous cub that never really did much worth noting to a full grown fox who got hit by a train. Along the way he sort of did things that are brave, although he tended to not succeed at whatever it was he was trying to accomplish. He isn't a bad fox at all, really the opposite. He tried to do the right thing, he was just really incompetent. This book is notable because it shirked the tradition in children's literature to have the protagonist be competent and successful when he tries to do good. Instead she goes with a more realistic lesson; if you try to help people in dangerous situations then you will probably die. Only a freak act of nature of outside assistance will help you. Remember that the next time you think about jumping off a boat to save a drowning victim or the next time you consider standing up to a bully. Flexy isn't always going to be around to save you.

This book also teaches us much about the forest and animals. Well actually most of that stuff was probably made up, but it does teach us a lot of old English words for animals. I bet you didn't know fichet meant stoat in England. And who would have thought that moodiwart would not only be a word but also something you can call a mole, not somebody who doesn't live in crazy old England, that's who.

Most importantly I have learned that reading a book and then making an article about it for a comedy website is a really retarded idea. I've been working on this off and on for like two months now and nobody is probably going to read all of it. This has all been a huge waste of my time. If I had a job, or friends, or hobbies, then there is no way I could have justified how long I have been working on this article. Thank you Rinkin for convincing me how hollow my life truly is. Now if you excuse me I'm going to jump off a bridge. Don't try to save me; you'll only end up killing yourself.

<< [Part 1 - Part 2]