I Tried To Be A Feminist Once, But They Kicked Me Out: A True(ish) Story
Last month I decided that I would join a club at my art school to try and make some friends because I collect them as a hobby. I went up to the student activities board and saw a crazy yellow poster of a women tied up naked with bars on her boobs and the words "Offended? Join us Tuesday at 8" scrawled on it by what seemed like Kirk Douglas. "Kirk Douglas probably doesn't go to my art school." I thought in my head. I went home to my dorm room and asked my roommate about it. She's black. I thought you should know. She told me that it was probably run by crazy lesbians. I decided to go because I like Ellen Degeneres, and I thought maybe I might find someone who is similar to/looks like her who is funny who might want to be my friend. That did not happen. Keep reading.So the next day I go to class, eat lunch, masturbate--the usual, and at 7:50 I have my roommate drive me 3 blocks to the student building so I can meet these potential psycho lesbians. I bring Kirk Douglas head shot just in case. Back home in Texas all our lesbians are in the closet so I didn't really know what to expect from them. Would they be gothic and listen to screamo music? The idea sent shivers down my spine, but I walked inside anyway. Ellen Degeneres. Turns out lesbians all wear watches because they were all already there 5 minutes early talking about how men suck and should die, and I walked in all late and shit. I scanned the room quickly. Plenty of women with short hair, but not one of them looked like they could dance. I was disappointed. They quit talking about how to bury a body and turned to look at me like I was retarded. Guess wearing hip hugger jeans and a v-neck shirt that says "Fabulous" on it isn't proper feminist attire. I sat down. Someone who didn't look like Ellen stood up to address the room.
"Since some of us are new this year to the group and school, maybe we should all take a moment to introduce ourselves and explain what brought us to this group." I was uncomfortable because she was staring at me while she said this. I think it turned her on. Some chick with greasy hair said she joined the group because she felt that men in this world have too much power and like to impose their standards of beauty on women and stuff yadda yadda. She said her name was Alicia or Alex or something but I will forever know her as Grease. Some other people stood up and said exactly the same thing in a different way until it got to me. Not Ellen saved me for last.
"My name is Lyn and I'm an Advertising major and I'm here because I liked the poster."
"What did it make you feel?" Huh? This was a Q&A? I was startled.
"Uh... it was funny." Wrong answer. Not Ellen furrowed her hairy eyebrows together.
"What was so funny about it?" Crap. The others were staring. I started to back peddle.
"Er well it was funny because it was ironic." Not Ellen seemed satisfied with that answer. It wasn't ironic, but Not Ellen is an Alanis fan so she didn't argue my logic. I'm pretty sure she came up with the idea.
"Well I'm glad you decided to come, Lyn. Maybe you'll learn some things." Yes, I will learn how to be talked down to like I'm a little girl. I'm so excited! I already had enough of this dumb ass club, but a part of me, an evil instigating part decided that I should stay in this club for awhile. Clubs are fucking boring, and most of the meeting was about raising money for the money to do something stupid that I didn't care about, so I'll spare you the details of that. Around the last 10 minutes things got interesting.
"Britney Spears is destroying all respect for the female gender." Grease said at one point. She seemed very angry about it with a wild look in her eye that seemed to say "I am intense and controversial!" which was stupid because everyone on this planet agrees with that statement.
"She's right. That girl can't even go anywhere without being half naked and exposing her pussy." Said some random girl wearing a hoodie in the middle of August. Wait, did I walk into the wrong place? Was this a club for young female conservatives? First no Kirk Douglas, then no Ellen...I was fed up. I decided to say something crazy and controversial too.
"Doesn't Britney have the right to dress however she wants to?" How dare I say that! People began to go crazy and started saying shit all at once like a pack of rabid animals that can talk. Not Ellen told them to quiet down with her booming lesbian voice of authority. A little drop of pee came out of me. Not Ellen was THAT SCARY.
"Go on, Lyn."
"Well what I was going to say was doesn't Britney Spears have the freedom to wear whatever she wants? Women in the past threw themselves in front of horses and shit to get the right to flash their vaginas in limos." Not Ellen informed me that a woman killed herself at a horse race for women's suffrage and the right to vote, not the right to go places in her underwear. She didn't seem to be aware that suffrage and the right to vote is the same thing and that I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THAT. Grease took the opportunity to jump in with her own stupid ass side comment that nobody needed to hear.
"Why would you even defend her anyway? It's a waste of time."
"I'm not defending her, I just think you're being a hypocrite." Uh oh, Grease was boiling.
"What? What the hell does that mean? I'm not being a hypocrite at all! She's one of the reasons why men think we're all stupid and slutty and they objectify us!" I was confused.
"But aren't most women her age stupid and slutty?" Suddenly Grease's eyes rolled back and her head exploded all over the place. She looked like she seriously took a shit because THAT'S when she started screaming.
"NO! WOMEN ARE NOT SLUTTY! YOU ARE SLUTTY!" Wow. I was pretty damn shocked that this chick went so apeshit on me in two seconds flat over Britney Spears but I just could. Not. Stop.
"Oh yeah! I know what it is! I like having sex with men. Guess that isn't allowed in a this club." Tip: If you want to anger a bunch of lesbians, imply that they are lesbians. Does the trick every time. It was then that they started telling me to get the hell out. I think somebody hissed at me? Not Ellen shushed them and told me that it might be a good idea if I left. She was really cool about it, and walked me to the doorway to discuss it further but I was pretty pissed off that they would try to kick me out of a damn club for simply disagreeing with someone. She seemed sympathetic but told me that while they encourage discussion, it's "not a good idea to call an entire club a bunch of lesbians." When she told me that, I felt kinda bad. That went away very quickly when I saw her greasy ass head leaning in to hear what we were saying.
"I don't have a problem with gay people or anything, just those that don't wash their hair." I turned to Greasy-Poo my new BBF and smiled because I made sure I said that extra loud so she could hear me loud and clear. Then I turned and left, leaving a trail of awesomeness behind me. I walked the three blocks to the dorms in anger and when I got in my roommate Kim saw how pissed off I was and smiled.
"I told you not to go to that meeting. Those girls are out of they mind."
"God! That was so damn stupid! Can you believe I got into a fucking fight with some dumb ass girl about fucking Britney Spears' vagina?"
"What the hell?"
"Yeah, she just flipped the fuck out on me and called me a slut."
"I still don't get why you were talking about Britney Spears' vagina."
"Don't worry about it. Just know that if you come across any greasy haired gay girls on campus run the away because they will scream at you."
Kimberly laughed and told me I've lost my mind. Then we had lesbian sex with each other.
End.