The Centipede Menace

I saw a video on the internet earlier this week. In it a centipede attacks and kills a mouse. This is horrifying! Centipedes are killing innocent mammals, and broadcasting their exploits. This is the last straw. For far to long centipedes have terrorized humans. For centuries they have attacked defenseless mammals, and worked to destabilize third world governments. How much longer until they have gathered enough power to attack us humans directly? I say the waiting game is over, its time to take the fight to them!

Before we can destroy the enemy, we must be familiar with him. Centipedes come in many shapes and sizes. Species of centipedes live nearly everywhere in the world, except in the Polar Regions. The centipedes most commonly seen in America and Europe are small and harmless. This does not mean they should be spared. These centipedes are no more then spies for the larger, more dangerous species. The Scutigera coleoptrata, more commonly known as the house centipede has established itself in North America, Asia, and Europe. It normally lives in homes, and is said to be dangerous only to spiders, termites, cockroaches, and silverfish. Do not listen to this. It is only pro centipede propaganda, created by the centipedes themselves. These centipedes may not be harmful to humans, but that doesn't mean they don't serve the greater evil. The house centipedes' job is to watch humans. Study our behavioral patterns, and look for any weakness. They feed this information to the Centipede Intelligence Center (CIC), who studies it. The centipedes will use this information when they launch their surprise attack.

The attack will be conducted by the large, poisonous centipedes. Many species of large, aggressive, and venomous centipedes live in North America, South America, Africa, and Asia. They typically live in tropical regions, and their diet can range from insects, to lizards and rats. They can grow up to 12 inches, and are naturally camouflaged in their natural environment. The Tanzanian Blue Leg are even known to bury themselves so that they can more easily ambush their prey. They are all aggressive, and according to the ratings on petbugs.com range from medium speed to very fast.

The centipedes are extremely disciplined. While they commonly kidnap humans in order to practice combat, or torture, they make sure that the body is never found. The only death that has been credited to a centipede occurred in the Philippines when a 7 year old girl managed to escape her kidnappers, but only after suffering a ghastly head wound. Despite the best efforts of doctors she died within 29 hours. This must be taken as a warning. Centipedes have killed humans, and will again. Do not listen to centipede sympathizes, who say the venom is not dangerous to humans. If this was true why would the residents of Trinidad have a song that basically says, “Male scolopendra bad, female scolopendra worse.” It is because they are living the horror that is the centipede menace every single day.

Many of the people who I speak to on this subject doubt that the centipedes can succeed in their mission. They think that the centipedes lack the strategic cunning and unity to overthrow the world. Well thanks to our spies in Peru, we now know the attack plans of the centipede menace. Many Peruvians died to bring us this information, and it will prove vital in our defenses. The centipedes have a four phase plan.

Phase 1

The first phase was to spread pro centipede propaganda. The centipedes have been doing this for as long as anybody can remember. They have been spreading rumors saying that centipedes are harmless to humans, and even beneficial. When the subject of the venomous species comes up the centipede spokesperson always claims that these species are unable to kill humans. By spreading these lies the centipedes lead directly into phase 2 of the plan.

Phase 2

Now that humans think that the centipedes are harmless, the infiltration begins. The centipedes need vital information about humans in order to make an attack plan. During this phase the Scutigera Coleoptrata, or house centipedes begin living in human houses and businesses. The house centipede was chosen because it is small and generally unintimidating. During this stage the centipede propaganda machine was in full force, claiming that the house centipede is not only harmless to humans, but actually helpful because they eat household pests. Even humans who refused to let these vile creatures stay in their homes were often unable to get rid of them, thanks to its small size. These centipedes observe human behaviors and send the information to centipede intelligence centers located in Peru, Kenya, and China.

Phase 3

We are currently in the middle of phase three. At this point centipedes have established themselves everywhere they can live. They are now vying for political power. The centipedes use anything to get political leaders on their side. Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez sided with the centipedes when they promised to spare him during the uprising. The daughter of Peruvian president Alejandro Toledo Manrique was kidnapped by the centipedes. He bravely refused to give in to their demands, even though the centipedes most likely killed her. He knew that the genocide the centipedes plan is far too dangerous to allow. He now does whatever he can to combat the vile creatures. It is thanks to his brave efforts that we know as much as we do. At this time it is unknown who is in the pocket of the centipede menace, and who is not. All we know that when the time comes we cannot trust the government for help.

Phase 4

Phase 4 is the attack of the centipedes. The worst damage will occur in South America, Africa, and southern Asia. Major damage will also occur in Central America, the south western U.S., China, and the Philippines. This is because the natural species of centipedes in these regions are aggressive, and deadly. In their natural habitat they will quickly overrun the cities. Human allies will help them by using their political power to prevent the deployment of military and aid. By the time the military realizes it must defy the orders of the officials much will already be loss. Smaller centipedes will crawl into machinery and disable it. The larger centipedes will attack en masse, overrunning the humans. Once the attack occurs it is guaranteed that these regions will fall. Most likely all humans not aligned with the centipedes will be killed. In Europe, most of North America and Australia the natural centipede species are too weak to overrun the population. They will rely on warriors who have secretly immigrated to the region. Some of these centipedes come under the guise of pets. Others sneak into the area by hiding in fruit shipments. The centipedes realize that they possess a disadvantage in these areas. Their hope lies in guerrilla fighting in urban areas, and taking control of missile silos. Once the silos are under centipede control they plan on bombing the humans into submission.

In order to stop the centipedes a group of soldiers, independent of any government body needs to form. The soldiers will be trained to engage, and kill centipedes with ruthless aggression, and efficacy. Training camps will be established in North Dakota. It is far north enough that the centipedes have a weak presence, but still in America, the heart of freedom.

The soldiers who successfully complete the training will be known as the Anti Centipede Force Four. They will be sectioned off into groups of four. Each will have the same basic equipment, as well as a specialty talent.

Team Leader

The team leader will be the one in charge of the group. Anything he says goes. This member will normally be the most charismatic, and the quickest thinker. It is important that the other members of the team respect him, as he will need their full trust. The leader will consult with the other team members on strategies, but in the end it is his decision that they go on. Anything he says goes. This is because in the war against the centipedes we need fast decisions and there isn't time for arguments on the battlefield.

Combat Specialist

The combat specialist will be the team member most proficient at killing centipedes. He will be expected to be able to fend of the menace, even if he is disarmed. The combat specialist will be armed with a flamethrower in addition to the standard equipment. In case a large horde of centipedes try to overrun the team he will hold them off with the flamethrower, while the other team members make their escape.

Medic

This team member will be trained in the ways of treating centipede sting. He will also be taught natural remedies' for the venom in case the team is isolated, and needs to forge for supplies. While all team members will carry a basic medical kit, the medic's bag will have more supplies as well as more sophisticated painkillers.

Penetration Specialist

This team member will be trained to be able to root out the centipedes, whether they are hiding in a home, desert, or jungle. He will know were the centipedes naturally live, and will hide when pursued. He will also be equipped with the necessary tools to get to the centipedes, such as drills and small saws.

What Can You Do

I realize that not everybody can join the Anti Centipede Force Four. North Dakota is not easy to get to, and in some places the menace requires immediate attention. If you wish to skip training and immediately go into battle, here is what you should do.

Step 1

First get yourself some weapons. A paintball gun is ideal. It is powerful enough to injure, or possible kill most centipedes, but without any sort of ricochet. They are also cheap and easy to acquire without a permit. For close quarters fighting get any sort of blunt object. A frying pan or hammer can work wonders. Make sure that it is something that you can swing quickly and accurately. A sledgehammer may see like it would be a powerful weapon, but it is so unwieldy that you can be quickly swarmed. When fighting centipedes always carry a knife. If you are unsure if a centipede is dead, or just playing possum then cut it in halves, or if possible thirds. Remember that while you may be able to take on many of the smaller centipedes, the larger ones should be treated with caution. Their poisons sting, quickness, and ruthless nature can quickly kill an inexperienced hunter. We highly recommend you avoid combat unless you have an advantage. We also highly warn against entering a centipede controlled area unless you absolutely have to. Use these weapons to escape and contact the Centipede Force Four. Then watch back as the professionals swoop in and make centipede soup out of these godless bastards.

Step 2

Now that you are ready to kill you need to find the brutes. Centipedes can be found anywhere. Outdoors, indoors, even in your own home! Finding all the centipedes in an area is impossible. You will have to concentrate on centipede hotspots. It has been revealed to us that centipedes have been using abandoned houses as command centers. If you suspect serious centipede activity in your area then take a look for homes that are unused. The centipedes will most likely be hiding in the walls, attic, or basement. Be careful! Carelessly entering a centipede command post is a good way to get killed. Try observing the area ahead of time. Look for centipedes entering and exiting and any mysterious fruit shipments. Now that you are sure the centipedes are present it is time to strike.

Step 3

You must destroy the centipede stronghold. The best way is with fire. A few Moltov cocktails can show those centipedes who is boss. Of course this will get you in major trouble with the law if you are caught. Johnny Law isn't going to listen to some arsonist's story about killer centipedes no matter how true it is. You have to be prepared to live with the consequences if you are found out. Trust me though; jail time or living underground is a small price to pay for the lives of your friends and neighbors.

Entering the home is not recommended. If you have to in order to save hostages, or some other reason, then be prepared. Bring the equipment detailed earlier. Only enter alone as a last resort. We recommend having at least one partner you can trust come with you. Just make sure he isn't really working for the centipedes. The centipedes have long hands and much influence over the weak willed. When engaging the centipedes take out the largest most dangerous centipedes first. The most important thing to remember is to never turn your back on a centipede unless you are sure it's dead. Letting a centipede get the jump on you is a mistake you can only make once. Then you will never make a mistake again…EVER!

The Fate of America

America has fought many battles. We have defeated communism, terrorists, socialists, and paleontologists. Now we face our most brutal enemy. The centipedes have no morals, no god. The only law they know is the law of evil. They will destroy all of us and drink our bones. The centipedes will not discriminate. They will kill men, women, children, and even adorable puppy dogs. Do not let this happen. Do not fall into the centipede's sweet trap of tasty danger. Do not dance with the devil. Stand up to the centipedes. Do whatever you can. Join the Anti Centipede Force Four, keep a look out for centipede activity, and most importantly pray. We may not have a very good chance for victory, but with a little luck we might just make it.

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