Pamphlet Rama
I'm unemployed right now, but during the summer I had a job. One day I went into my office (I had a fucking office, how sweet is that) and found some weird pamphlets telling me why Jesus was cool. Turns out my coworker found these, and put them in her office before somebody got offended (her office coincidently enough was also my office) I read through them and decided it would be neato to use them in an article. Originally I was going to use all of the pamphlets, but that turned out to be a stupid idea. Those ones were all boring. This one is less boring. It's a simple story about Christians and Muslims. Given the current situation in the world I find it's more important then ever to understand our funny brown neighbors to the East. This pamphlet is a pretty good example of not knowing anything about those guys. It is called…
Our story begins with a father son trip to a local Mosque, where the father proceeds to mock the Muslim's belief. Really now, moon god? Just because they use the moon as a symbol it doesn't make it a moon god. If Muslims started calling Christians worshipers of the lower case t god Christians would be totally pissed.
As expected, the Muslim is angry about that whole moon god comment. Well, I suppose it isn't really expected that he would flip out like this. The expected thing would be for the Muslim to keep praying and then later be like "What was up with that guy" later on when they are all hanging out at the Islam club. Instead he decides to flip a shit and yell at the dad. The dad doesn't seem to understand what all the hub bub is about. After all, he wasn't talking directly to the Muslims, just very loudly right next to them. Dad is guilty of being insensitive to the Muslim's beliefs but the Muslim is guilty of eves dropping. Seeing how this pamphlet takes place in Saudi Arabia they will both be put to death for their crimes.
Now the Muslim is talking like some kind of super villain. Maybe the dad is right to be a jerk to him. Do you think people are cordial to Dr. Doom? No they call him an asshole and do not hold the door for him.
You know what; I think dad is really ABC news correspondent John Stossel. "Muslims are taking over America? Give me a break!"
Do the Muslims have a flag? Maybe Christians should have a flag. It could have Jesus driving a motorcycle under a Christmas tree. That would kick the ass of the Muslim flag which is probably a bunch of gay Arabic writing. That's what they get for not being allowed to draw pictures of Muhammad. Our flag will be sweet because it will have a picture of our prophet and we will point to the Muslim flag and say "What does that Arabic writing mean? I bet it says Muslims are gay" then the Muslims will get angry and shake their fists at us but we will be riding away on Jesus' motorcycle so fast that we won't even see it.
That's also a nice close up in panel two.
The Muslim would have really looked the fool if all this time he was going on about how Christians are lame, and Islam was going to take over and it turned out this guy was Buddhist.
No man who ever lived was greater the Muhammad Ali. He can punch hard and talk fast.
John Stossel's kid is getting pissed. "Come on Dad, can't we go anywhere without you getting into a theological debate."
I especially like how shocked the Muslim is when John says Allah is not god. Of course he doesn't believe in that, he isn't Muslim. Doesn't the Muslim realize Christians and Muslims have different beliefs? Does he think the two religions exist because of some sort of crazy sitcom like misunderstanding? Like Muslims left a note to Christians that said "I think it would be great if we split a pizza" but some water smudged the ink on the word "pizza" and Christians thought Muslims wanted to become separate belief systems.
This is where the Christian reasoning gets incredibly retarded. They say that because Islam uses the moon as a symbol, and that the moon was around before Islam it means that Islam is wrong. Of course the argument that Christians use crosses as their symbol, and that crucifixion was around before Christianity so using that logic Christianity is fake. The Muslim isn't all that bright so he doesn't bring this up. It's a good thing too because John Stossel is a robot, and the logical paradox would make his head explode.
You know they were only sitting at that table for like three panels. Either they ate really fast, talked really slow, or the author skipped a long nonreligious conversation they had as they ate. Religion is not a polite subject to bring up during meals so they mostly talked about sports and The Office. I love that show. My favorite episode is the one where Jim played a joke on Dwight and Michael was an incompetent boss.
So yeah, Islam is wrong because it shares a common language and symbol with another religion. Not that, you know, there are lots of symbols he could have chosen from. He lives in the desert. His choices were pretty much the moon, the sun, sand, and camels and Muhammad definitely wasn't going to pick camels. By that time the camel symbol was closely associated with a group who sought religious enlightenment by sodomizing camels. Or at least that's what they said. I think they were just a bunch of perverts.
John Stossel just happens to be carrying around what appears to be a huge glossy picture of Muhammad sitting on a throne. By the way Muhammad was totally made out of stone. He was golem. By the way, golems, not invented by Islam. Jews are the inventors of golems. Muslims just stole them. Yet another reason why Islam sucks.
Kudos to the Christians for including footnotes. I was doubting the authenticity of John Stossels claim that there is one true god until I saw that he included a source. Now I know he isn't just spouting out whatever random shit that comes to his mind like he usually does.
Also kudos for the picture of God dropping a bunch of super balls. He must have gone to the super market and had a bunch of quarters in his pocket. Super balls are sweet.
Jesus kind of looks like how Hercules is sometimes portrayed. He also looks kind of like my one Uncle. The one with the beard and hair. Well he doesn't have the beard anymore but I still mentally picture him with the beard. His name is Uncle Jesus.
Funny story. At my college the Catholic Campus Ministry has this thing where they give you food and then you're suppose to listen to some presentation. I'm not a catholic, but I go because I know a catholic and because the food rules, and instead of a presentation sometimes we just play foosball. Anyways the first time I showed up some people told me I looked like Jesus because I have a beard and long hair. I thought it was a pretty awesomely sacrilegious thing for people in the Catholic Campus Ministry to say. My beard is not nearly as nice as that Jesus's beard is.
Also check out the Muslim burning. Where's your messiah now dickweed?
Well the Muslim is convinced, and I guess they are sitting down again. Why the hell did they stand up a couple of pages ago? For being a crazy Muslim, that guy sure gave up his faith pretty quickly. He was probably only in it to get chicks. That's the reason I became a monk a few years back.
I don't know what that tower is but it looks pretty sweet. If my band ever does a metal album that is going to be the cover art, but I'll add a bunch of dragons and demons. It'll fucking rule.
Blah blah blah, Jesus was into sado masochism, blah blah blah, he was crucified. I'm sure the Muslim already knows this. Jesus is in their religion as well, although they call him Zorlock the Moon Warrior.
They don't address why it is cool when Jesus just says random stuff and is all "You dudes better follow me, or else cause I am totally right" but when Muhammad does the same thing Christians are all "No way brotha, you so crazy." They both require some faith to believe. Oh well I guess its just questions like this that keep me from becoming a zany evangelist preacher. Also all the sinning.
"If all this is true?" with that kind of attitude you ain't going to be saved at all buddy if you start questioning whether things some guy is telling you is true. I swear I doubt this guy is really into having his eternal soul saved at all.
That is a shit load of prophecies. I bet Jesus got into the Guinness Book of Biblical Records. Moses never got anywhere near 30 prophecies. He barely broke 12 and that was back when steroids were legal.
I bet that the Arab is actually being sarcastic. John Stossel isn't good at detecting sarcasm so he believes the Arab. This going to be awkward the next time he sees the Arab worshiping the moon god.
More sarcasm here. The Arab is going to totally rip on John Stossel at the bar and tell his friends about how he punked the lame Christian. Also by bar I mean Mosque because alcohol is evil and anybody caught drinking it in Muslim countries is stoned. Also by stoned I mean with rocks, not the good way with weed and The Red Hot Chili Peppers.
In the first panel if you ignore the lower speech bubble about Jesus it looks like he has just been introduced to the glorious moon god and wants to tell his people about it. Really the moon god is a pretty good guy. He's way more laid back then other gods. He doesn't want to run our lives he's completely cool with just controlling the tides. He also has a huge supply of weed and constantly listens to Pink Floyd. He does get bugged when astronauts land on him, but he still plays the role of host and offers them some cheese.
According to the section What to Pray praying to god is very similar to writing him a letter. Mostly because you start it by saying "Dear God" and the only time I say dear before a name is when I am writing a letter. Here is my prayer:
Dear God
How are you? I am doing fine. I meant to pray to you earlier but I have been pretty busy at work. I also just got Zelda the Twilight Princess, and you know how obsessed I am when I get a new game. You were right, the graphics are really good. Plus turning into the wolf is fun. Anyways I just wanted to let you know that I agree with you when it comes to Islam. Those guys can suck a bucket of dicks. I am all about the big J.C. Tell him I'm glad that he sacrificed himself and all. You and Jesus should come over sometime. I've got the grill all ready to go. We can have some dogs, a few breskies and play some lawn darts just like the old days. Well I don't want to keep you too long. I hope you'll write back.
Yours truly,
Johnny Dangerous
Now that is how you get into heaven? You think God is going to damn his lawn darts partner? No way motherfucker!