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ABC's Cavemen: Sure To Be A Big Hit With Black Audiences

This upcoming TV season will bring audiences many new TV shows, most of them very bad. Among these will be Cavemen, a new sitcom on ABC based on the GEICO Cavemen commercials. Yes, a major broadcast network decided one of the best ideas they had--out of the hundreds of show ideas that must get pitched to them every year--was to extend an insurance commercial into a 22 minute television show. When asked to comment, ABC spokeswoman Karen Juburwoobaloo had this to say:

"After Cavemen had been greenlighted for the fall 2007 season, several ABC employees went to ask the president of ABC why he would do this. The employees were surprised, when upon entering the office, they found it to be empty except for a donkey. It turns out that the position of president for ABC Television had been vacant for the past thirty years. At some point, a donkey wandered into the office and no one had really noticed until now. People would bring in paper work and he [the donkey] would shit on some of the forms. Employees working under the donkey would take the forms with feces as approval. Any show that got shat on would go on air."

Well, this made me curious about seeing the pilot episode of Cavemen. I couldn't wait until the show debuted on air, so I downloaded the first episode off the internet (but don't tell anyone I don't want to get in trouble!). The first episode aired last week, so I'm late with this review. But at least I can get this online before the show is cancelled. And if there is any chance of a God up in heaven it will be, because Cavemen is a horrible, horrible fucking TV show.

It's not even the shitty writing or the lack of jokes that is the problem with the show. It gets really bad when you quickly notice that the cavemen are just black people. What I mean by this is all of the "jokes" on the show and all the discrimination against the cavemen apply to blacks in the real world. You could write out all the cavemen references and replace them with black people and just call the show Black People in America and it would be the same unfunny sitcom. Actually, it would be better if it was Black People in America because black sitcoms (Cosby, Fresh Prince) tend to have plenty of cameos by black celebrities, like the always awesome Billy Dee Williams. Do you think Billy Dee Williams would appear on a fucking caveman show? No, because Lando Calrissian has too much dignity.

I'm going to have to review the pilot episode. But I'm not going to write about the plot as much like with the Degrassi reviews, I'm merely going to try to find as many black jokes imbedded in the episode as I can.

Cavemen Sucks

The episode begins with three cavemen spending the morning in their apartment. Or maybe they just got up around noon. The type of local news show they are watching right now looks more like a broadcast during noon or 6pm than the type of news they show in the morning. Maybe this plays to the stereotype that black people don't wake up until the afternoon. Is that a black stereotype? I'm not sure, there are way too many black stereotypes to keep track off and I can't always remember them all. I can only do my best here.

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The cavemen complain about the TV news because it aired footage of a cavemen robbing a convenience store. Black people hate it when the TV news shows a black guy committing crime. The cavemen also get angry about the wacky caveman weatherman. Black people also hate Al Roker, I guess.

Cavemen Sucks

The one caveman has a white human girlfriend. This sets up the interracial or inter-species tension or whatever the fuck it is that will dominate this episode and however many episodes come before the writers run out of what little material they have. We see White Human Girlfriend's bra because she trying on clothes. The producers know they aren't going to get eyeballs with good jokes or interesting stories.

White Human Girlfriend's invites Caveman #1 to a barbeque at her father's country club. There are no cavemen members at the club, but there are plenty of cavemen servants. The cavemen complain about this. Malcolm X the caveman complains that anti-cavmenism still exists in society because The Flinstones airs on TV six times a day. I guess that cartoon was a low point for cavemen, kind of like The Jeffersons was for blacks. Yeah, I know The Jeffersons was a hit show--the first hit show with a black cast I think-- but I never liked watching it on TV Land. It wasn't a very good show. It took black people awhile to get on their feet with this whole TV thing and give us The Cosby Show and In Living Color. But there were doing the best they could do when they were new to the TV thing. I'm sure the first TV shows white people came out with around 1948 were pretty bad and it took us a while to get to I Love Lucy. I don't know what Latinos' excuse is for The George Lopez Show. The George Lopez Show is worse than The Jeffersons and there have been thousands of television programs in Latin America, so they it's not like they haven't had enough practice.

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On the way to the country club, the cavemen discuss who is allowed to use the world Cro-Magger, which is of course, cavemen's nigger. The cavemen have trouble getting into the country club because it's a country club.

Cavemen Sucks Cavemen Sucks

Inside the country club, White Human Girlfriend's family isn't familiar with cavemen and the mother asks if the cavemen eat food that is cooked. For some reason the cavemen enter the party in golf cart.

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This next scene just fucking confuses me. The really bitchy Malcolm X caveman encounters a black bartender. Black bartender asks if the cavemen is really a guest and bitchy Malcolm X caveman gets all bitchy with him. This answers the question of whether black people exist in Cavemen's universe. I want to know then, were the cavemen ever enslaved? There was no mention that they were. Then what was the big problem that cavemen faced over history? If there wasn't one, then I think the cavemen are just whining. Sure, they weren't allowed into the country club and none of the humans seem to like them, but we've only seen three cavemen so far, and none of them appear to be likable or even the least bit polite to people. Maybe humankind just hates those three. Or maybe cavemen have faced multitudes of discrimination over the centuries. In that case, I can' wait for the episode where they talk about how many cavemen died in the Holocaust. I'm sure that episode will be received well.

Cavemen Sucks

Hey look, it's a dude in a bathroom, with another dude watching him! That's comedy gold right there. Oh, ABC's Cavemen, where DO you come up with this stuff?

Cavemen Sucks

Anyway, White Human Girlfriend's sister or cousin or something asks her what it is like to have sex with a caveman. She assumes it's really wild and wants to have sex with a caveman herself. She gets her chance, and the show gets another excuse to show some bra. The cavemen she has sex with learned to dance when he was on Soul Train. Yes, you heard me right, the caveman was on Soul Train.

Cavemen Sucks

So there is a fight and the one cavemen with the girlfriend ends up in the fire pit, hunched over with a club. Then everyone thinks the cavemen stole money. The end.

And that's the pilot for Cavemen. It's horrible. I mean, I am absolutely not the most sensitive person in the world when it comes to black issues. Reading some other things on this website will quickly point that out. I say nigger a lot for a white person and my entry for my fifth grade talent show was a song and dance number in black face, but even I found this show to be offensive. It's also great to have cavemen act like black people when you consider than it wasn't that long ago when we thought blacks were less evolved than whites. I don't know how that fact didn';t come into anyone's mind when they were filming this, unless everyone involved in creating this episode were really dumb. If I knew any black people I would want to have them watch this to see how much black rage it produces, but I live in Upper Michigan, so that is out of the question.

Keep in mind that the episode I reviewed is not the episode that aired last week when the show premiered. I guess the pilot was scrapped and the show was retooled after the producers and network noticed that the pilot sucked balls. This raises the question of why they were able to notice that the pilot was bad, but still thought the premise somehow had legs and was worth keeping.

Forgot, I don't even care about the cavemen being black people. The show is bad because it is not funny. Fuck you, ABC. You guys cancelled Clerks: The Animated Series but want to put this on the air? I swear one day I shall have my revenge upon you.