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Lessons Learned During My Time As A Slider

Rembrant Lee Brown Rembrandt Lee Brown has traveled to over a 100 different dimensions while lost in the multi-verse. During this time he had many experiences and saved his own version of Earth. He is also a world famous singer, and the author of the popular book "Who Stole My Woman?"

Sometimes you never know what to expect from life. One minute you're driving your Cadillac down the street on your way to sing the national anthem at a Giants game and the next, you're going on interdimensional travels with a bunch of honkies. Hello, my name is Rembrandt Brown, and I was a slider.

Leave it up to a group of egghead crackers to just open up a dimensional portal in the middle of a fucking road. What was up with that? Anybody could have driven into that portal. Inconsiderate pricks the lot of them. You can't just run around making holes into alternate universes where people can just wander into them. Jesus, I can't stress that enough. Go into a secluded ally or something. At the least you should go onto the sidewalk.

As you can imagine it was a bit surprising to find myself suddenly in a different world. Not that it was my first trip out of Earth prime. We black people have had our own dimensional slip generators for years now, really nice ones too. It's just that nobody pays attention when a black man invents something. Name one black inventor who didn't work with peanuts, you can't can you? You can't blame us though. We got men in laboratories all over the world pouring colored liquid into beakers containing a different colored liquid. The problem is that all the people in charge are old white folks who won't give us a time of day. We had this one guy, Cashmoney Stevens, who invented a car that runs on Slim Jims. You know what happened when he tried to get it patented? They arrested him. Said he was trying to rob the patent office. Does that even make sense? What would he take from the patent office? Black scientists face discrimination like that every day. That's why we stopped telling other races about our inventions. We just keep them to ourselves.

So The Crying Man has been to other worlds before. I went to this one world where San Francisco was ruled by Mongolia, and another time I went to a world where everything was like that movie The Wizard. Nintendo games were in arcades and arcades where everywhere. It was sweet. I spent a week getting drunk in nightclubs and playing Tecmo Super Bowl. Affluent brothers go on interdimensional trips all the time. Billy Dee Williams even has a summer home in a universe that is populated by prehistoric Amazon jungle woman. Sliding use to be the one thing that we had that the white folk didn't.

Then along come these jokers with their little sliding machine and bam! Here I am driving into their hole. They didn't even have the foresight to include a vortex bommeranging beacon. Instead of being able to press a simple button and return to the sight of the slide we had to wait for the portal to reopen like a bunch of fools. Come on man. Why would you even be sliding if you can't get back safely? Did Clinton Derricks-Carroll (The original inventor of the dimensional slip generator) start flying through alternate realities before he knew everything was secure? Hell no!

It seems that they can slide whenever they want, but if they slide before the portal opens everything gets messed up and they lose the coordinates back to Earth prime. Not that these people knew that until after they fucked everything up. Let me lay down what happened. I'm cruising in my sweet ride when all of a sudden I go through a portal into this crazy ice world and I'm with this group of dummies who can't slide without messing things up. This tornados acoming and its about to tear us all a new asshole. They decide to slide even though the portal back to Earth prime isn't ready. I was like "Honkies we do that and we're fucked" but when has anybody ever listened to a brother, am I right? So we slide early and end up losing the coordinates of our home world. What a bum rush.

Now we had to keep sliding in a vain hope of finally making it back home. If that's not bad enough the rest of the group keep insisting that we don't slide early no matter what. I kept pointing out that we could slide as soon as we realized we were on the wrong planet and it wouldn't matter. Its not like we want to go back to that world anyways, but they were always saying shit like "We're the scientists let us figure this out." Come on people, you messed up. I know what we should do, listen to me once in awhile. But they never believed me when I said that black people had slider technology. They thought I was making it up to fit in. They always listened to the timer instead of sliding early. One time they made an atomic bomb and blew up an asteroid that was going to hit Earth instead of sliding early. What the hell! God hated that world and wanted to destroy it. Pissing off god will not get us home early.

Then come along those Kromagg bastards. I ain't going to get into all the details about the Kromaggs. That's a story for another day. I will point out that I was the only motherfucker to stick around and try to kill them. The other sliders were like "This sucks, peace out," and I was all "Hey, fuck you. I'm going to inject some virus into myself and go kill these guys." What's with the Kromaggs anyways? I don't understand why you would want to go around conquering alternate realities. It's not even easy to run one reality much less a bunch of them. They should just have conquered one Earth and concentrate on making it the best it can be. Greedy bastards. I never liked the Kromaggs, not when they were attacking us, not when they took over Earth prime, not never. Of course I'm more of a lover then a fighter. Do you think the tender heart that penned such great ballads as I'd Pawn My Gold Crown for You and Tears in My 'Fro would support violence? Hell no. I just want peace, love, and people to stop sliding if they aren't ready.

And basically that's why I am writing this. If you aren't responsible and prepared to slide, then don't. Please don't start sliding into new dimensions without the ability to come back home or if you want to enslave everybody in that world. Really, that's just being a dick. The black race has been sliding for upwards of 15 years without incident. The minute a white guy starts sliding he gets lost and an alternate version of himself gives the technology to a group of warlike creatures who hate humans. It's irresponsible. So please, stop trying to create a dimensional slip generator. You have proven that you do not deserve to have one. Go invent something else. If you stop being racist then maybe me or Billy Dee Williams will let you go on a wild ride with one of us. There's a world full of intelligent dinosaurs that I'm sure you guys would love.

- Rembrandt Lee Brown