Johnny Dangerous Explains Today's Marmaduke Explained

Johnny Dangerous - 10/08/07

Fuck this shit

First of all, it's called "The Blog of Hilarity" (www.blogofhilarity.com). Strike one and strike two and strike three.

Second of all: "Marmaduke Monday."

Someone brought this to my attention this weekend. The guy who writes it seems to usually stick to by-the-numbers religious intolerance, Pavlovian fratboy misogyny and sports, so it's not something I really keep up with. But the fellow turned out to be a bit of a risk-taker, and he took it upon himself to venture into the exciting and uncharted territories of Exactly What I Do Here.

And then did it again. And again.

I'm not particularly vain or anything; seeing somebody else to secretly usurp my Marmaduke Explaining throne or whatever the fuck is going on there (more likely scenario: he's just really unoriginal and incredibly dim) isn't so much a threat to my ego as it is a sharp reminder as to how stupid this blog really is (to be honest, I'd be surprised if I had another six months in me; barrelfish hunting gets tedious after awhile anyway). But also, y'know... Guy's kind of a douche, huh? Regardless of "Marmaduke Mondays" (currently, his most popular article is "That NYPD cop that got shot has an f-able girlfriend") but especially in light of it.

Anyway, whatever. I'm taking a break for at least a couple days. If you're bored, I fixed an episode of a terrible television show over here; go watch it if you like. Or just read all Blog of Hilarity entries tagged with "fatties gets no love" if you're thirsting for a dose of clever, forward-thinking parody "as seen on ESPN, Slate, Deadspin, Gawker, AOL and more."

Joe Mathlete is flipping a shit about somebody copying his award winning formula, not that he is the first person to make fun of a comic in this fashion. To be fair to Joe Mathlete, The Blog of Hilarity’s version was really unfunny.

Joe Mathlete also says he is going to take a break. This is understandable because writing up to two sentences a day is rough work and he needs to recharge.

Marmaduke drooled on his owner-lady's cookbook.

Joe Mathlete is dryly explaining what has happened in the comic without any additional jokes, thus making the lack of a joke the actual joke. This would be funny if he didn’t do it at least once a week. He also made the odd choice not to comment on how angry Marmaduke looks.

It has been suggested that I mention this here

You guys know I make music, right?

Yeah, I make music. I've put out close to 25 albums since 2000 or so, very quietly and usually with "print runs" of under 30. I write all the songs and play all the instruments (except when we play live, but that's a tale for another day), and I enjoy it quite a bit. I'm not great at talking it up, but I will say this: It's amazing. I/we am/are called "The Mathletes," because I thought it would be funny to pretend I was a real band and not just a person. It wasn't, really, but I kept up with it just 'cuz.

So my newest album has been alluded to for close to a year (on, among other places, our MySpace page), and it's finally out. It's a covers album, and I'm releasing it for free online. You can donate a few bucks via a Paypal link if you like what you hear, or if you're just feeling super nice, or if you don't believe Paypal actually works and you want to test your luck... any way you look at it, it's a wonderful way to help out this poor, down-on-his-luck bloggist/musician/part-time Imaginary Dental School student who just got his gear stolen.

If you're a fan of lo-fi home recorded bedroom pop (and who besides most people isn't?), you should probably check out THE MATHLETES OWN OTHER PEOPLE'S SONGS at http://oops.allstarpowerup.com. At the very least, there are some quasi-amusing anecdotes for each song, as well as some crayony album cover reproductions. Go on, go for it! Hey, nothing to lose, right?

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

Tracklist:

01. Linger (The Cranberries)
02. Only Shallow (My Bloody Valentine)
03. ROYGBIV (Boards of Canada)
04. Choking Tara (Guided by Voices)
05. Unravel (Bjork)
06. Les Os (The Unicorns)
07. Race for the Prize (The Flaming Lips)
08. Seeing Other People (Belle and Sebastian)
09. Rocket (The Smashing Pumpkins)
10. Never Let Me Down Again (Depeche Mode)
11. Ghost (Neutral Milk Hotel)
12. True Love Will Find You In The End (Daniel Johnston)
13. What Goes On (The Velvet Underground)

Joe Mathlete has a band that puts out albums faster then Buckethead. His latest album is a cover album, so instead of listening to some random guy from the internet sing songs you never heard of, you will be listening to some random guy from the internet sing songs you never heard of that were written by other people.

This might just be paranoia, but should I be concerned about this? It seems pretty obtuse for a direct threat on my life, but clarity has never been Marmaduke's strong suit.

Joe Mathlete is making a joke about Brad Anderson threatening his life. He does this despite the fact that in the comic Marmaduke likes the ducks and will be sad when they leave.

Ha! Fooled you. That's not a real Marmaduke comic; it's one of those index card drawings I do. Today's Marmaduke is garbage (grab a paper, 'cuz all I got it "Marmaduke ate a salesman's shoe"), so I figured I'd share that instead. There's another Marmaduke-related card up on that site from yesterday that you comic strip fans may somewhat enjoy. Feel free to get in on the arting and pick up your own special, made-to-order, customized index card artwork, but let it be known that I do draw other things besides Marmaduke, and the non-Marmaduke requests usually get filled a lot quicker (it's easier to draw when you're not choking down bile).

Self promotion ha cha cha

Joe Mathlete is promoting his business in which he draws pictures on index cards. The sparse success of this business is based entirely off of the popularity of Marmaduke Explained. This really eats at Joe Mathlete.

Marmaduke's owner-man needs a suit jacket, fedora, and briefcase to go to the grocery store.

Joe Mathlete is pretending that he doesn’t know that the comic is implying that Phil (the real name for the owner) is going to the store after work.

Marmaduke's fat, elderly neighbor man poisoned Marmaduke and several other dogs.

Also: JESUS CHRIST BRAD ANDERSON, GROW SOME SHAME.

Joe Mathlete thinks that the position Marmaduke is in makes it look like he is dead. He is also angry that Brad Anderson made a joke that is sort of the same as an earlier joke he made. We are supposed to ignore the fact that Joe Mathlete has made the “Marmaduke is dead” joke many times in the past.

Apparently this is a comic strip in newspapers nowadays. It's about a woman named Betty. Let's see how this goes.

Betty's son likes "ska-punk," but does not like "emo." Betty patronizes him until he is convinced to let her buy him an inexpensive shirt.

Joe Mathlete didn’t feel like explaining Marmaduke today.

Marmaduke's owner-man is dying.

This explanation is different from the one where Joe Mathlete said Marmaduke is dying because he is saying a different character is dying. Apparently it does not count as reusing a joke, which is something Joe Mathlete always flips a shit about when Brad Anderson does it.

Marmaduke's owner lady made him so horny working out to her Jane Fonda tape that it plum tuckered him out. He is still going to fuck the shit out of her, but may need a nap first

Bestiality jokes are funny.

Seven summers pass / The cherry orchard beckons / Destiny persuades

I guess Joe Mathlete decided poetry was a funny substitute for an actual explanation. It’s also possible that there was a mix up and this was suppose to be the update on one of the eight other blogs Joe Mathlete has.

Marmaduke is dying. A carnival psychic demonstrates her knowledge of animal folklore while failing to comfort him.

Again with the dying joke.

Marmaduke traded away his owner-lady's vacuum cleaner. He traded it away for some bones, then hid the bones in the closet where his owner-lady used to keep her vacuum cleaner.

Marmaduke is chewing on one of the bones now. His owner-lady is looking in the closet, having just discovered that Marmaduke traded away her vacuum cleaner, for some bones. She is beginning to confront him about what he has done (trade away her vacuum cleaner). There seems to be something fucked up going on with Marmaduke's eye

Joe Mathlete wrote a long explanation for something that could have been explained very easily. He did this because he couldn’t think of a funny joke to make about this edition of Marmaduke.

Marmaduke (bought / stole / is borrowing) five lollipops from a store called the Candy Box to (eat / sell on the black market / give to several of his bastard children in lieu of child support). A concerned and tie-wearing candy salesman places a phone call to a Mrs. Winslow, who is (his supervisor at the candy store / a left-wing candy conservation lobbyist in Washington / Marmaduke's owner-lady, whose surname name I have been unaware of for the thirteen months or so I've been amusing myself with this bullshit), referring to the lollipops as "suckers" because (it is the standard industry term / he is mildly retarded / octogenarian Marmaduke creator Brad Anderson refuses to adjust his comic strip's vocabulary to reflect that it is no longer the 1940s).

Joe Mathlete says suckers is a word from the 1940s that is rarely used today despite the fact that it is more commonly used then the word lollipop.

"MARMADUKE IS AN ASSHOLE" t-shirts: now totally for sale, for the last time ever

Click here, why don't you. And hurry the heck up... Supplies are crazy limited

Joe Mathlete often uses the caption “Marmaduke is an asshole” on days that he is too hung over to make an actual explanation. He is now using it as a slogan, and making a handsome profit.

Oh dear

I'm sorry about all that... I may need to take a little vacation from this. I guess it was only a matter of time until I hit my breaking point.

We'll see how I feel next Monday, but there really is only so much of this hateful beast a man can take before he turns profane and/or violent so I'm not holding my breath for that quick a recovery. Anyway, perhaps you should read this for now

Joe Mathlete hit his breaking point. This is understandable because each edition of Marmaduke Explained takes upwards to a full minute to write. While on his vacation, Joe Mathlete went to a bunch of concerts. You may see footage of this on his blog. You can also see his unique criticism of Family Guy. Joe Mathlete thinks Family Guy has too many random moments. Nobody has ever pointed this out before.

Fuck fuck shit fuck goddamn shit fucking hell jesus fucking pissfuck shit christ asscrap shit fucky fuck motherfuck goddammit shitfucking fuck fuck.

Joe Mathlete is overreacting for humorous effect.

Marmaduke is going to drink two bottles of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill wine and deflower a teenage Afghan Hound.

Joe Mathlete drank bad wine and got laid on his prom night.

Marmaduke's house, in a clear homage to the magical realism popularized and refined by Latin American authors such as Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Laura Esquivel, and Jorge Luis Borges, has a much larger interior than it does an exterior. This mildly perturbs his owner-man.

Brad Anderson ripped off Peanuts in the sense that Snoopy’s dog house has a large, well furnished interior. Joe Mathlete is too busy name dropping authors he heard a college professor mention to point this out.

Marmaduke is an asshole.

Joe Mathlete figured out a catchphrase that easily fits on a t-shirt.