The Hot New Diet Plan
The following is a paid commercial advertisement. The views expressed here do not reflect Dumb Baby, its owners or subsidiaries.
Billy Mays here! I'm the guy who told you about such amazing and time saving product as the Ding King automotive dent remover, the Samurai Shark knife sharpener, Turbo Tiger vacuum cleaner, AwesomeAuger gardening tools, and cleaning products such as OxiClean, Orange Clean, Orange Glo, Kaboom!, and Holy OxiFuck a Clean Bomb Just Went Off in My Living Room! all while shouting at the top of my God damn lungs. I don't shout all the time because I want your attention, I'm actually 90% deaf and yelling like this is the only way I can hear myself. But don't cry for me, I'm Motherfucking Billy Mays, the infomercial pimp king!
Today I'm going to introduce to you the greatest new diet plan around. You've heard of the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet, the Zero Carb diet--those are all pieces of shit. If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to get onboard this amazing new diet plan:
The Concentration Camp Diet
Using testimony from Holocaust survivors and well as documents in the German Federal Archives, leading nutritional scientists have been able to devise a diet plan based on that proven formula for weight lose. Did you know that the average intake of food for a concentration camp prisoner in Nazi Germany was only 500 calories a day? That's a road to weight loss success!
But, wait, you're saying: Billy Mays, there has to be more to this awesomely cock rocking diet plan than merely eating less than a quarter of the amount of food each day that a person should to stay healthy. Yes there is, mac. And you can find all the details in the complete Concentration Camp Diet Plan, available to you TODAY! What comes with The Concentration Camp Diet Plan, you ask? It's the complete package for weight loss. First, you get the book, The Concentration Camp Diet. It is 90 pages of detailed information about the diet. It has recipes (mostly for cabbage soup. Actually, that's the only recipe), a calendar to chart your weight loss, and 86 pages of filler. The book is mostly pictures, really.
But that's not all! I've only shown you the the titties of the product so far. You've suckled on that milk, but you want more, you want the meat, the sweet, sweet pussy of the product. That's the centerpiece, the Concentration Camp Diet Meal Plan. On the first of every month, we'll send you five pounds of cabbage soup, that's enough cabbage soup to last you the whole month! Remember this is the same food concentration camp prisoner ate to shed the pounds! And it will work for you to. Stay on the plan and continue ordering food for as long as you need to.
But that's not all! THAT IS NOT ALL! SIT THE FUCK BACK DOWN AND LET ME TELL YOU WHAT ELSE WE HAVE! Look, we all know the way concentration prisoners ate was helped them to lose weight. But you're still missing one important aspect: the forced labor. Now, you're asking yourself "Forced labor sound like an excellent way to lose weight, but I don't have the time." Fuck you, we'll make the time for you. We've got you covered. With your purchase of the Concentration Camp Diet Plan we'll put you to work on a project, guaranteed to be within 50 miles of your place of residence (guaranteed in the continental United States only. Fuck you, Alaska and Hawaii, what kind of God damn bullshit are you trying to pull? I will have your ass for this). And we'll work around YOUR schedule, nights weekends, whenever you are free. But you will be put to work. What kind of work? Well, satisfied Concentration Camp Diet Plan clients in my home town of Dunedin, Florida are hard at work building my new hot tub. Let's hear some testimonials from satisfied clients.
With the Concentration Camp Diet Plan I lost 50 pounds in just 2 weeks. I stopped once I reached my ideal weight and also because my teeth had all fallen out. But losing my teeth helped me shed another quarter pound! - Ira Wells, New Haven, Connecticut
The Concentration Camp Diet Plan is putting me to work with a team building Billy Mays' new indoor swimming pool, seven hours every Saturday. It's great to follow the plan that worked so well for so many Jews sixty years ago, I surprised no one has thought to bring it back before now. If you'll excuse me, I have to sit down, I think I am about to fall into a coma. - Stephen Hughes, Kissimmee, Florida
Cabbage soup - yum! - Jill Edwards, Kalamazoo, Michigan
I know, you're creaming your pants right now with how awesome this plan sounds. The only question you have its: How much? That's a damn good question. I'm glad to see I'm not dealing with total fucking retards this time around. Listen up, you can get your first six weeks of the Concentration Camp Diet Plan for only $39.95. That's only $6.658333333333 a week! That's the book, The Concentration Camp Diet, and six weeks of the meal plan and forced labor plan!
What? Why aren't you pleasuring yourself just thinking about that deal? I know, you're saying "Billy, I wasn't born yesterday, I've seen plenty more fine pussy since then. I know you can cut me a better deal." All right man, you've got me by the balls here. I wouldn't try to fuck you out of your hard earned money. I'll tell you what I can do, I'll drop the price down to $29.95 for six weeks. And I'll throw in another two weeks for FREE. Fuck yeah I will. That's the The Concentration Camp Diet book, meal and forced labor plan for eight weeks for just $29.95. Call today. Operators are standing by!
If you're not satisfied just cancel within thirty days for a full refund. Hell, I'll even let you sleep with my sister. And you can even keep the book as a free gift.
I'm Billy Mays and you can suck my three inch cock.
