Johnny Takes A Look At The Classifieds

Johnny Dangerous - 10/22/07

I usually don't read newspapers. I prefer to get my news from either TV or the internet. That way I can spend half my time with the news and half my time viewing pornography. When I do read newspapers I usually just go for the local news and comics. One part I never paid much attention to was the want ads. I guess this is because I don't want to buy a car or find lost pets. Recently I took a look at the want ads and as it turns out these things are crazy check some of them out.

Remember these are all 100% intensely real. Phone numbers and last names have been blocked out to protect the innocent.

Me Love you long time

3000 year old Chinese god is looking for a woman to spend eternity with. Green eyes are a must. Prefer Chinese but all will be considered. Friends of Jack Burton need not apply. Call    -     ask for Lo Pan

Skateboard for Sale

Talking skateboard for sale. Sometime in 1992 my skateboard was struck by lightening which caused it to somehow become sentient and gain the ability to talk. This delighted me then, but I am older now and in a different place in my life. The skateboard often makes wisecracks and occasionally solves mysteries. $100 or best offer

Hawaiian Shirts 4 Sale

I've lost over 200 pounds and need to get rid of all my Hawaiian shirts. The only people who wear Hawaiian shirts are gays and big fat party animals. I have no use for these shirts seeing as I am no longer fat and haven't been gay since 1997. If interested call    -     and ask for Maurice.

Are You Stressed?

Need to relax? Have you considered a hand job? Hand jobs are now half price at the Hand Job Center located in the bus stop on Center Street. Look for the smelly crack addicted hobo.

Earn $$$ While
Working at Home

Earn up to $10,000 per week licking envelopes. This is perfectly legitimate. Not a scam at all. Really, trust me. Would I lie to you? Come on buddy, do it. All the cool kids lick envelopes. We even pay in advance. No don't question how that works, just call the number. 1-800-2343-1001

Nude Pictures of Locals

I often sneak around neighborhoods at night taking pictures through windows. Over the years I have gotten many shots of local hotties in the buff. If you are interested in prints then call    -     and ask for John. DO NOT talk to Judy about these.

Used Underpants

Heavily used. Many stains. $1 per pair or best offer    -

4 Sale

Wedding Ring - $500

Shovel - $10

.44 Caliber handgun. Only used once - $300

   -

Attention:

This is directed to the man who keeps looking in my windows. I'm not upset about the peeping, honestly I'm a little flattered. I just ask that you stop standing on my geraniums.

Suze         143 Walnut ave

New Dentist

Tired of hoighty toighty dentists who are sticks in the mud? Come visit Dr. Feel Good DDS. I have lower prices and sweet jams playing on the radio. Located in the van under the bridge. No appointment required. No cops please.

4 Sale

High quality meth for sale. Made from the finest household cleaners. Accept cash or sex. Located on the corner next to the low income housing and across from the bible day camp.

Looking 4 Luv

47 year old gym teacher looking for woman to “exercise” with. I haven't been with a woman since my wife left me a year ago. Times are getting desperate and there has been more then one embarrassing incident involving the short shorts I insist on wearing and female students doing stretching exercises. I need to get some relief before I lose my job. Please don't make me go to the hobo.    -

Roommate Wanted

Five males looking for female roommate. We prefer somebody who is uptight and clean to clash with our messy laid back demeanor. Must also enjoy sitcom level hijinks. Fatties need not apply.    -

Lost Pet

Three foot long boa constrictor named Python. Very loving. If found return to 242 Loven Street in the Mcarthy subdivision.

Concerned Citizens

The Mcarthy Neighborhood Council is believes a petnapper has been operating in the area. Several residents have lost pets including Mrs. O'Malley's Chihuahua, the Lentson's Shih Tzu, and Mrs. Herrington's cats Tony and St. Pierre. If anybody has information on the pet napping please inform Rod Seward at    -     or the local police.

Babysitter

Looking for babysitter. The kid is a brat and smells. I won't pay you much but you have free access to the beer in the fridge.    -

Note

Despite my name I am not involved in any way with the McDonalds Corporation. Please inform you children and ask them to stay away from my house. I am a reformed pedophile and this is the last thing I need - Ronald McDonald 323 Candy Lane

I want a woman

I am looking for a nice open minded girl who enjoys painting and heavy metal music. If interested meet me under the freeway this Thursday at 4 a.m. Come alone.

Attention

Local youths continue to pull down my pants when I am public and make fun of my choice to wear small briefs. This is America and I have the right to wear whatever underpants I want without ridicule. I choose to wear briefs because boxers and boxer briefs are too large in the crotch area. If this continues to happen then I will have no choice but to punish the entire community by canceling my annual autumn dance recital. This is a harsh move I know but I feel this is a time for harsh decisions. When the entire town is upset because they can't see me prance in my fall fairy costume you will know the sting I feel every day you expose my underpants. I await your response - Johnny