The Web BtC

For The First Time In My Life I Am Truly Alone

No this isn't a poem from my live journal. Its just that I have finally moved out and am living by myself. Not that this is the first time I lived away from my parents. I went to college and lived in the dorms and my last year I had an apartment. But those times were different. I had roommates and it was always temporary. I knew I was eventually going to my parent's house when the school year ended. However post college graduation I have gone out, gotten a job, and am never going home.

There is a huge difference between living alone and living with roommates. For one thing roommates tend to know stuff. When I moved into an apartment that my roommates had been living in for a few months they knew the ins and outs of apartment life. Here I am on my own, forced to forge for knowledge like a raccoon. I don't know how garbage pick up works in this town. I asked my landlord but he didn't know because he lives in a different town. I don't know anybody else who lives nearby. In a normal situation I could ask a coworker but for economic reasons I don't live in the same town that I work.

I could go ask the people who live above me but that would be very awkward. I've only seen them twice. The first time they were in the driveway getting into their car. I said “hello” but I was in too much of a hurry to get to work to properly introduce myself. The next time I was coming home from work and the wife was out walking a pair of dogs and a cat. Yes, she was walking a cat. By the time I got out of my car she had hurried inside. I assume this is because they aren't allowed to have pets. Well I don't know if they can't have pets. I haven't seen their lease. I know I'm not allowed to have pets, which sucks. I want a bunny. Rabbits are a good pet because there's no social stigma against eating them. Threatening to eat the pet is a good way to keep them in line. But I digress. I can't ask the neighbors when garbage pick up is because I don't know them yet and I would feel awkward. Also because it might implement me in whatever crime it is when you break the rules of a lease.

This really leads me to another, larger problem. How do I make friends? My neighbors are out of the question. The people above me are pet hording jerks. The people across the street blew something up the day I moved in so I am sort of scared of them and I haven't even seen anybody at any of the other houses in the neighborhood. Are they hiding from me? Is it because I don't use deodorant or close the blinds when I change? Since I can't be friends with people who live near me who can I be friends with? Say what you will about college dorms, they may be small and have holes in the ceilings that creepy dudes watch you from, but it's easy to meet people. Just yell “Who wants to split a pizza” and you have about 30 new friends. I can't do that here. My neighbors randomly blow shit up in their back yard. I don't want to invite them over for pizza. I need a new way to meet friends.

Work is out of the question. My coworkers are all way older then me and hate me. I could go to bars or something and try to find people with similar interests, but that makes me feel too much like I'm hitting on them. Plus bars in small towns tend to be inhabited by older people whose dreams have been shattered. They just want to drink their woes away, not play Super Smash Brothers with me, so that's out. I met this one guy from the phone company who seemed pretty cool. He likes Clerks and knows a dude who's a singer in a band and I know a dude who sings without a band. It's a perfect match! However how do I get him to be my friend? He gave me his phone number in case the phone didn't work but then what do I do? Tell him the phone is broke and when he comes over offer him a beer and ask him to watch Clerks with me? Tell him he seems cool and we should “hang.” All the answers seem very homoerotic and I doubt he will go for it.

Wait what am I saying, it doesn't sound homoerotic at all, it sounds like I want to kill him and rape the corpse, which according to my pastor is even worse!

Finding friends isn't my only problem. It isn't even my most urgent problem. Why do I need new friends anyways? My old friends will come visit me because they are all 17 and I buy them beer and let them have sex on my couch. Right now I'm concerned because it's cold. My landlord hasn't turned the heat on yet. When I moved in it was unseasonal warm so it made sense for the heat to be turned off, but it's gotten cold and he still hasn't turned it on. I keep calling to ask him about it but that's not helping. I think its having the opposite effect. Two days ago I came home and there was a washtub full of ice sitting in front of my fan in my living room. I have no proof it was him but I think it was. Well the jokes on you landlord, I got a free fan and a free washtub. Summer will come again and I am prepared.

So in summery I am cold and friendless, living in a deserted city filled with people who set off explosions in their backyard. A little like the second Mad Max movie but with less emphasis on getting gas. As I stare out the window into the night sky I begin to ask myself questions. What brought me here? Is this the right situation for me? Should I find something else, maybe something better? Does that chick know I can see into her bedroom? Is she going to take off her shirt? Oh shit she is? Ah hells yeah buddy! Booby action!

You know what. I think I'm going to be all right.