Hispanic People FAQ
Before you get angry, this is my disclaimer. My mother is Puerto Rican. That's right... she speaks Spanish, screams when she whispers, watches novelas, and dances to salsa. So there's my little race card right there. Yeah, I look like I belong to a country club and sure I never tell people I'm Hispanic unless they ask, but I am. So it gives me instant street cred. *Flashes gang sign*A lot of people tell me "Hey Lyn, you don't LOOK Hispanic. Are you SURE you're Hispanic?" and after they say that, I stab them. Hispanic is not a race! It is an ethnicity. That means that if I have blue eyes and blonde hair but I say I'm Cuban you should believe me. Unless I'm Cameron Diaz. Cameron is the fragment of an autistic child's imagination, and thus has neither ethnicity nor ass.
Contrary to popular opinion, Latino people do not hate those of the Anglo persuasion. We may think you are all ignorant, bad at dancing, and obnoxious... but we still want you to buy from our stores and eat at our restaurants. So just in case any of you 'glos were wondering, here are a few answers to some commonly asked questions about Hispanics. Take notes.
Q: Are novelas as dumb as they look?
A: Not always.
One thing to remember is that they are NOT in fact anything like American soap operas. That means that they usually run no longer than about six months, tend to make sense, and everyone on the show looks like they were once in porn--not near death. Now when I say they make sense I don't mean that the plot lines could possibly occur in real life; what I mean is that when you watch the show you usually can understand what's going on; even if you've never seen an episode of that show in your life, or even speak spanish for that matter.
Rules to remember when watching novelas:
- Someone is going to end up in a coma. It is not a question of IF it will happen, but rather who, when, and why.
- If someone bursts into song with a full mariachi band, don't worry. This is a usual occurrence.
- If a couple has sex, they will almost always get caught in the act.
- Don't trust the bitch who pauses and thinks after all the other characters leave the room.
Q: Are Hispanics loud?
A: This is debatable. It has been my experience that a latin person's
loudness entirely depends on their family as a whole. If everyone is
very chatty and outgoing, all of them will be loud. How else are you
going to get someone to hear you over everyone else's arguments?
Q: Are Hispanics always late?
A: I can pretty much guarantee that if you invite a few Hispanic
people to a party at 7:00, none will show up until at least 8:45.
Q: Do Hispanic people smell bad?
A: Depends on your definition of "smelling bad". Most Hispanic men
I've ever run across smell like an entire cologne store and usually
leave a scent trail behind them for miles and miles. My theory is its
insurance incase they get lost and their wife has to find them.
Q: Do Hispanics have bad tempers?
A: My mother threw an empty coffee can at my head once. I think that
answers your question.
A: Do Hispanics love to dance?
Q: We all love dancing. Sometimes we don't even need music--my mother
dances to an invisible band that lives in her head. However, it does
not mean that all of us can dance WELL. Our dancing ability rapidly
decreases as we become more intoxicated. Quite the opposite for our
Anglo friends, however.
Example: I went to my cousin's wedding once, and at the beginning of the night the dance floor was empty until the DJ played one of the 3 salsa songs he had. Later on in the night all the Puerto Ricans were standing at the back of the hall talking to each other while the frat boys break danced on the dance floor. Badly. Someone ripped their pants.
Hope this answered all your questions. Oh yeah, and remember, when someone tells you "I no speak English" when they look like they do and they're listening to an ipod, they totally speak English. They just hate you.