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Tails Kicks Ass

From Urban

miles 'tails' prowler is a fuck load better than sonic. Sonic is a complete wank face!"

I hear that Urban Dictionary!

It's time for Sega, and the rest of the world, to face facts. The Sonic the Hedgehog character known as Tails has it going on. Every single aspect of Tails is a virtual eruption of insanity and pure unfiltered kickassity. Look at himů



How do you even begin to understand the many layers and nuances that is Miles Prower? He is a fox, and he has two tails. Okay that's sort of understandable, I guess. There have been a lot of odd choices made in the field of character design, oh yeah; he uses those two tails to fly, like a helicopter. What is that in the sky? I think it's your mind because it's just been blown away!

Questions like "how" and "why" cannot be answered. There is simply no reason that Tails should be flying like that. It not only doesn't make sense for Tails to be able to fly in the first place, but that method of flying is completely illogical. Next time you see a dog try spinning its tail. You will get bit because tails do not work like that!

The only explanation for Tails' ability to fly is LSD. That's right. Whatever Japanese guy that came up with Tails was also flying high. We're talking lysergic acid diethylamide here people. That guy came into Sega one day and was all "Whoe man what if like there were foxes and they had helicopters for tails" and it just of ended up in a game. A surprisingly large amount of important decisions at Sega are made under the effects of some major narcotics. The decision to release the Sega Saturn early was made by Yoshikuni Masahiro shortly after drinking tea mixed with kratom leaves.

Besides, a flying helicopter fox is a way better idea then a really fast hedgehog.

You see, that's the thing with our man Prower. He is so much better then Sonic yet he keeps getting the short end of the stick. Hey, I see you there with that quizzical look on your face. Are you questioning Tails' superiority? Are you retarded? Tails is so much better then Sonic that even questioning him is madness. Utter madness I tells you. Sonic has one super power, running fast. According to a popular cartoon theme song he is the fastest thing alive, the fastest thing alive. However Tails is almost able with Sonic. No matter how fast Sonic runs Tails is right behind him. Tails is like a horrible dark secret and no matter how fast he runs Sonic can never escape it. It will always be there haunting him. That is until it overcomes him and drives him mad, and I bet in a few years Tails will be passing Sonic.

Rock and Roll!
Age is important thing to consider in the Tails vs Sonic debate. Not that I know anything about what people say when they debate who is better, or even if such a debate exists. I am officially declaring it to be an important thing to consider. Sonic is 16, completely in the throws of being a teenager. Meanwhile Tails is only 10 or 11. At the very most he's in the beginning stages of puberty, and there's a good chance the process hasn't even started yet. Here we have a guy rocking hard and his testies haven't even dropped yet. Imagine him post puberty, bigger, stronger, and I guarantee he will have a sweet moustache. If he is able to keep pace with Sonic now imagine him then. He will be able to outrun Sonic without any problems. The torch will be passed, the theme song changed, and Sonic will have to do the honorable thing and end his life.

If speed was the only thing Tails had going for him then he wouldn't be a big deal. When has being fast really helped much? Jesse Owens was fast but that didn't stop World War II. Speed is not the key my friend. If it was all about speed then former NASCAR drivers would become presidents and The Flash would be a well respected superhero. To be the man you need smarts and Tails has the smarts. You know that show, Smart Guy? Replace Emmanuel Lewis with Miles Prower and the theme song still applies. This one website I stole a picture from for this article said Tails has an IQ of 300. That's twice as many as 150.

But we don't need to listen to facts that some lonely teenager made up to know that Tails is a genius. The proof is in the pudding. He builds airplanes for one thing. Builds airplanes and he isn't even a teenager yet. What was your hobby when you were ten, because I bet it took a hell of a lot less brain power then building an airplane. In Sonic Adventure he even finds a way to fuel his plane with a chaos emerald. This doesn't make any sense but he's smart enough to pull it off. When was the last time you fueled your home made airplane with a rock you found? Never because you suck that's why.

Another time Tails made it so a semi truck could turn into a giant robot dragon thing. This was during an episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog that parodied both Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior and Bill Swerski's Superfans. Damn, that sentence right there proves Tails is better then Sonic. The only thing that could have made either one of those shows better would be the inclusion of trucks that turn into dragon robots, and Tails knew it. If this was a courtroom I would say "I rest my case your honor" and everybody would start clapping.

A picture of Tails where he is clearly on drugs and about bludgeon somebody to death
Of course when going over how sweet Tails is its important to go over points that may detract from his overall image which are not true. There are many vicious rumors about this vivid vilpini. Most of these rumors are spread by the tabloids and are about as truthful as the current administrations claims about success in Iraq (Oh snap take that George Bush you mother fucker!)

For one, it is often claimed that Tails is a homosexual, or at least has a homolateral relationship with Sonic. This is an outright slander! Tails has shown nothing but hetero respect for Sonic as a friend and mentor, nothing more. Some may point out that Tails has shown signs of being gay for Sonic because he is always chasing Sonic however if you take a few minutes to think about the situation rather then pointing fingers and screaming "gay" at the poor fox then you realize he is actually in a normal fashion. He chases Sonic because he wants to help Sonic fight for everlasting peace. Is he suppose to sit around the first zone, or follow at a distance just so that people don't call him gay? No way brotha! He's going to be right coming in right on Sonic's rear because he wants a piece of that action. That sentence might have sounded really gay, but Tails is as straight as a ruler.

Haters also will claim Tails is gay because in The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog he gets extremely jealous whenever Sonic starts paying attention to a woman. There is nothing sexual about Tails' actions here either. According to Tails himself he is only "four and a half years old" during the run of this series and you can't tell me any four year old orphan wouldn't be worried if his only guardian started running around with another person regardless of gender. His reaction is totally not gay at all. In fact people who think he is a gay are probably gay pedophiles trying to cover for themselves.

TailsAnother rumor is that Tails is a Nazi. This is not true! The picture is completely out of context. Tails attended a costume party as a Nazi as a joke. While wholly inappropriate it was, in Tails defense, hilarious, especially when he hit the karaoke machine. The paparazzi chose to simply run the picture and ignore what was really going on just so they could sensationalize the story. Journalist integrity indeed Mr. Newspaper reporters, journalistic integrity indeed.

Lastly, the final rumor I will address here is the rumor that Tails has two penises. I have no idea how that even started. This rumor is completely without base. Why would you even say something like that? It's flat out gross and intrusive. I realize Tails is a public figure and has to give up some of his personal privacy but do we really need to talk about the genitalia of anybody famous or not? Is nothing sacred? I'm not even going to continue this line of discussion. Whoever supports this rumor is crude and a dillweed. You heard me people on the internet drawing pictures of Tails with two penises. You are all short-lived annual herbs used to make dill pickles.

I am sure by now; all of those reading who may have doubted Miles "Tails" Prower have realized the error of their ways. If the previous paragraphs somehow aren't enough to sway you to the side of reason then you are a mad man and we have no reason to interact. Please remove yourself from my website. You are little more then a beast and I weep at your ignorance which I am sure is directly causing the downfall or western society. For the rest of you reading, those with sound mind and spirit, let us rejoice in the glory of Tails. He is the future. Someday he will reign over us as a powerful pillar of light. Those are the days I see in my dreams.

In 2006 Tails co-hosted the annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade