The Super Mario Bros Super Show
Remember the 80s? It was a time when the world was young and Saturday Night Live was unfunny and people didn't reference it. It was a time of unfortunate fashion choices and cartoons made for no reason other then to promote toys to children. I must be channeling the ghost of Matt from X-Entertainment because I am about to write an article about one of these TV shows. A little know program called The Super Mario Bros Super Show.
The Super Mario Bros Super Show starred Captain Lou Albano and a Canadian whose name I don't know because he isn't a former pro wrestler. The Super Mario Bros Super Show is exactly what you would expect from the genre. It was made to make hyperactive kids pumped about Mario Brother's themed toys and products. It must have worked too because I actually bought and ate the Mario Brother's cereal. However The Super Mario Bros Super Show had a trick to separate itself from the run of the mill cartoons on the block, I am referring to the live action segments that come before and after the cartoon section.
These segments are odd. The jokes are all right, the situations zany, and they always involve a "guest star" in the loosest sense of the words. The guest stars are people who technically appeared in a show or movie before this one, but are not particularly popular and definitely not a big draw for the elementary school crowd watching this. It all makes you wonder if the kids wouldn't have preferred more of the cartoon? Personally I think they only exist because another five minutes of animation would have been more expensive to produce. Regardless of these facts I made up, today we honor these segments by looking at a weeks worth of the live action skits.
The show of course starts with the theme song. The Super Mario Brothers Super Show has a kickass rap theme song about Mario and Luigi. The rappers inform us that we will be "Hooked on the brothers" about 500 times.
We also learn that the production team doesn't slouch either. Check it out; they were even willing to rent a green screen to make sure this was the best theme song ever.
On to our first tale "Neatness Counts".
The story begins with Captain Lou Albano's, er I mean Mario's gigantic noggin in the mirror. He is making sure he looks neat and tidy. He and Luigi then make some banter about how they always say "Neatness counts." Aside from this moment they never say this phrase, but this is the first episode so maybe they use to say it a lot before the series began. Luigi then points out Mario has spaghetti on his shirt. Mario counters by saying Luigi has sauce on his overalls. The two brothers then proceed to berate each other for being filthy. Considering that they are both plumbers and Italians I have to say they are pretty well kept. Most plumbers (or Italians) I meet are covered in strange stains and faintly smell of the sewer.
The argument over who is the filthier plumber (Italian) stops when a strange feminine voice says hello. Mario thinks its Luigi while Luigi is all like "That wasn't me?" I think Mario know it wasn't Luigi and just wanted to imply that Luigi sounds like a girl.
It turns out its some random chick that is in their medicine cabinet.
Luigi recognizes her as Nicole Eggert and fawns over her saying that he and Mario are her biggest fans and that they watch hers show all the time.
Right now you might be saying "Who is Nicole Eggert?" Well she is an actress best know for her role in Baywatch. However she didn't appear on Baywatch until the third season which I'm pretty sure that wasn't until after this episode aired. This means Mario and Luigi like her for her reoccurring role on Charles in Charge or maybe they really liked her in the movie Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects but they said they implied they liked her TV show because they didn't want to let on that they watch movies about Charles Bronson and child prostitution.
Nicole Eggert then asks if she can come in, which is overly polite considering she is already in their medicine cabinet.
Nicole is there because she needs plumbers and according to their large front page add the Mario Brothers are the best in the world. You might think an add that size would cost so much that it would negate any possible sales, however if you knew what these guys charged per hour you would quickly change your tone.
Luigi explains how neat they are because that's the theme of the show. Nicole is in a hurry to get to a party but Mario wants to demonstrate their skills on a clogged sink that is in the middle of their apartment. If I were a plumber I would definitely not have a clogged sink in my place. It's like a mechanic having a bunch of broken down cars in his front yard. It doesn't speak highly of you.
OH SNAP! Looks like somebody ain't so pretty anymore!
People going to think that bitch wet her pants!
At this point the show breaks to the cartoon, but since this is only about the live action segments lets ignore it.
We return to find Luigi saying "I'm sorry Nicole this never ever happened before." Let's see, young nubile female covered in a liquid, two older guys who keep fawning over her apologizing saying it never happened before. Yup, people just tuning in think the Mario Brothers just unleashed the beast on Nicole Eggert. It only gets better when Mario reminds Luigi about the time they drenched the mailman.
Distraught and wet Nicole decides to sit on a chair which for no apparent reason has a cake on it. Luigi narrowly saves her. He tells her to go stand by the furnace back there and moves the cake to the floor directly next to the chair. They really need to put that cake on a table.
The furnace blows smoke all over Nicole, making her even less neat and tidy then she was before.
Then she steps on the cake, causing Mario to say "You're foots having a birthday." That made me laugh out loud.
Then she starts her period and it ruins her pants. Damnit Nicole Paige told you not to wear light colors while on the rag.
I mean, Nicole Eggert sits on a pizza that was on a chair. Seriously guys, put the food on the table.
She then stands under something that shoots garbage into the Mario Brother's home.
Why would you even have that thing?
Mario suggests cleaning Nicole with a lint brush. Luigi says this is retarded. Mario then suggests we see some scenes from the new Legend of Zelda. Awesome idea Mario!
Zelda tells Link that she has the Triforce of wisdom and Gannon has the Triforce of power and whoever has both gets to rule the land forever. Sorry Link, I guess having the Triforce of courage doesn't mean jack squat.
In a related story I just added the word Triforce to my computer's dictionary.
"Hey! Exssssssssssuuuuuuuussssssssssssse me princess"
This cartoon rocks.
Mario and Luigi proceed to apologize and eat the cake she stepped on.
Nicole explains that it's okay because she is going to a sloppy party and whoever dresses the sloppiest wins.
Using this flimsy premise Mario and Luigi start pawing her while she rubs cake on her boobs. It's very creepy.
Either Nicole Eggert is short or the Mario Brothers are both 7 feet tall.
Until next time everybody, DO THE MARIO!