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The Pride of Odin

Man, am I ever excited. I've mentioned on this site that I have a band. Well actually over the years I've had a few bands. Things change and people who once thought of as being dedicated all of a sudden decide to "go to college" or "get full time jobs" or "plead guilty" and you're left out in the cold with nothing more than an amp. Well, my luck has finally turned around which is why I'm so excited. My current band, Pride of Odin, has finally broken into the big time. We have been asked to open for Of Wolf and Man at the county fair. I'm sure you all know that Of Wolf and Man is the most popular Metallica cover band in the Great Lakes region and being able to share the stage with them is not only an honor, but a stepping stone to underground heavy metal fame.

I think that I should tell you all a little more about Pride of Odin. Pride of Odin's sound is a combination Thrash metal, groove metal, neo-classical metal, electronic dance, and folk (Not folk metal remind you, actual folk like Joan Baez). This is a combination of genres that apparently has only been done three times before. By the fairly unpopular band Burnt Toast, by White Snake briefly in 1996 and by my previous band Flying Couch. The genre went unnamed until I decided to christian it "Fuck Yeah Metal" because when you hear it you yell "fuck yeah" and start head banging.

I have no actual musical talent, so I'm the lead singer. In addition to me there are a whole bunch of other people who make Pride of Odin work, how about I introduce ya'll to them.

Voltrob McFirebird

Voltrob McFirebird is the lead guitarist. His influences include Yngwie Malmsteen and the sound that is made when you start a car while a cat is sleeping on the manifold He has been involved with the metal scene since he was in 10 and playing guitar since he was 12. Currently at 15 I think he is one of the greatest metal guitarists in town. He was invited to be in my former band Flying Couch, but couldn't because our practice time was after his curfew. Since Pride of Odin practices in the late afternoon he can make it except on Wednesdays because that's when he has tutoring for biology.

Randy Britches

When my cousin Randy heard I needed a rhythm guitarist for my band he immediately asked "Where do I sign up" and I told him "We have a sheet with tryout times hanging in the Laundromat." Randy turned out to be the only person to sign the sheet so he didn't even have to audition; he just got to be in the band. This saved us time and it turned out he was pretty good anyways. Randy was never into metal, preferring bands like The Four Preps or Boy Krazy. However I feel that only helped us. Sometimes as a metal band you get too focused on other metal bands, and don't pay enough attention to other genres. This limits your influence and keeps you from standing out. It's a good thing we have Rand Britches here to make us see the other side of the coin.

Mikey Welsh

Our bass player is none other then former Weezer bassist Mikey Welsh. He's a great guy and definitely too good for Weezer. Mikey says that while he enjoyed the money and drugs that came with being a member of Weezer he just couldn't stand Rivers Cuomo. According to Mikey Rivers cries at least three hours a day, and on tour he breaks into the band member's rooms at night and gets into bed with them. The rest of the band is too scared to leave the gravy train, but not Mikey. He is his own man and isn't about to be spooned by some lame asexual asshole like Rivers Cuomo. He is much better off rocking hard with Pride of Odin and working the 4 a.m-1 p.m. shift at the chicken nugget factory.

Mercury Steamroller

Mercury Steamroller is our drum player. He also drummed for my former bands Flying Couch, Dragons: Acid Breath, Nazgūl and The Good Time Players. Me and him go way back. I met him in Kindergarten where we would plan ways to depose the teacher and institute a policy that included chocolate milk at snack time. He drew a picture of the teacher being hung from a tree and had to go to the special classroom for the next six years. His anger at being oppressed can be felt through his drum playing.

Lotown Heilbronner

To be perfectly honest I have no idea what Lotown does. He doesn't play any instruments. Sometimes he sings background vocals, and a lot of the time he just grunts or screams. If he didn't let us practice in his basement we would probably kick him out of the band. He's a cool dude, and is always willing to let us raid the fridge, but he doesn't really contribute to the band. In fact his screaming gets annoying and hurts my ears.

Jeffree Star

Jeffree Star is our keyboardist. I was introduced to her by Mikey Welsh who says he knows her from his Weezer days. I guess Jeffree Star is the only person Rivers Cuomo has had sex with. I think Pride of Odin is pretty lucky to have a fine looking female in the group. That isn't something most metal bands can boast. She is also quiet the sexual hellion. I have a girlfriend so I have had to stave off her advances but I know for a fact that pretty much everybody else in the band has been welcomed into the camper Jeffree lives in. I tried to get some of the juicy details but they just all stare at me blankly and Randy Britches cryptically said "Dead men tell no tales." I'm not sure what exactly that means.

Now there is no way for you to experience the Pride of Odin sound right now unless you come to one of our shows. We only record on C46 cassettes because it is the only music medium that can behold our power. An unfortunate side effect is that you can't upload a cassette onto the internet. Trust me I tried. So I figured the next best thing would be to would be to copy the schedule of events we have hanging in the Laundromat.

Date/time

Event/location

December 23 8:00 pm

Community Theater, Detour MI

December 31 10:00 pm

John Swhinn’s Near Years Eve Party
212 Lordon Street Tamarack City MI

January 4 2:00 pm

Police Hall Orphan’s Fundraiser, Garden Corners MI

January 25 3:00 am

St. Paul’s Cathedral on the corner of I-40 and Jack-O-Lantern Road Ripley County Township

February 5  5:00 pm

The annual YMCA Pot luck jamboree
Hog Island MI

March 29 9:00 am

Ludington Part Escanaba MI

April 1 10:00 pm

The Gay Bar, Gay MI

I hope to see you all there, although remember that dates are subject to change. Check at the Laundromat for updates, and remember…ROCK HARD!!!!