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The Radio

What's up with the radio? I usually don't listen to the radio, but lately car trouble has forced me into rental and loaner cars. None of these cars have CD players, and I don't have cassettes, which means I am stuck with the radio. Let me tell you the radio sucks. I don't know if I don't get many stations because I live in an area of the country where I am constantly stuck between pine forests and iron mountains which makes it difficult to pick up a signal or what, but the radio seems really limited.

Take mornings, what's up with every single station having a morning comedy show? I use to only be aware of the Bob and Tom Show. I was also under the impression that the Bob and Tom Show was a local thing. I was fine with that because the show is amusing but not really all that good. I can accept the show if its just two guys from the U.P. goofing off in the radio station. The idea that it is something that is broadcast nationwide just seems lame. The show doesn't seem like it should have that big of an audience. For example, they always laugh at their own jokes. This cuts down on the overall number of jokes listeners get because half the time they are ROFLing. Other comedians don't laugh at their own jokes, except Mitch Hedberg, but he can get away with it because he is really funny. Bob and Tom aren't that funny

Bob and Tom also aren't creative. Every Friday they play a parody of a popular song with the lyrics changed to be about the weekend or something. This is fine if they do it once in a while, but it gets done every week. It would be like if Conan O'Brien had the masturbating bear come out episode. It would lose its luster. Bob and Tom however are in there every week playing that one R.E.M. song except changed around to be about having a BBQ and watching football. I can't even relate to these songs because every job I've had has required me to work on the weekends. Do Bob and Tom care about this part of their audience? No, the weekend working man gets the shaft. Sometimes I think Bob and Tom aren't plaything the song for the listeners, but rather, for themselves. They are happy the work week is over so they can sit at home and get drunk. What about me, Bob and Tom? What about me?

I also have to mention the Bob and Tom ripoffs. Every single station seems to have a morning comedy show which is exactly like Bob and Tom. They have the same setup, the same jokes, the same comedy songs, and as Billie pointed out to me one day, they always have a female on the show who never says anything funny and does not get to have her name in the shows title. Apparently The Rob and Jon Show is a marketable product but the Rob and Jon and Cindy Show fails to bring in the big bucks. Maybe they just replace the woman whenever she asks for more money and changing the show's title would be too much of a hassle. The woman is never entertaining anyways. Billie's theory is that she is only there so that the men can make jokes about women, but it's not sexist if she laughs. Billie talks a lot about various theories she has about morning radio comedy shows. I pretend to listen to her while eating her food and checking out her moms butt, but as you can see some of what she says sinks in.

The last thing I am going to say before I leave this subject is that the entire idea of a morning comedy show is flawed. Its early, I am angry, and wants to be asleep. I need to listen to some rock and roll in order to wake up, yet every rock and roll station has the stupid morning comedy show. I hate it and usually have to resort to listening to church music just because I can't stand to listen to another minute of any of those shows.

But surely the when the comedy ends and the rocking begins things must improve, right? No my friend, no. I may listen to the stations that play rock, I may even enjoy a song or two, but the sad truth is I spend 90% of my time flipping around hoping for something good. I pretty much always end up on the classic rock station. Hip hop and rap just plain suck. I have to be in a particular mood to enjoy instrumental music of any kind, and country stations insist on playing the worst country they can find. Country can be good, especially old country where it was still similar to folk. Modern country is mostly pop music that has a steel guitar. Even the modern country that is good doesn't get played on the radio. Hey country station DJs, Steve Earle is a country musician, now stop playing anything that isn't him.

Then we have modern rock. Making fun of modern rock is very cliché and usually unjustified. There are plenty of good modern rock bands out there. Most people who complain about modern rock are just elitists who think liking something old and hating something new makes them better rock fans then people who don't worry about that kind of thing. You can tell a person is a classic rock elitist because even though they sing the praises of old music and claim its because they like the sound, they never actually listen to anything that isn't well known and generally accepted as being good. They walk around with their Pink Floyd hoodies and the symbols from Zoso tattooed on their shoulders, but you ask them to throw on some Jethro Tull or ELO they just look at you confused, because VH1 never told them about how awesome Jethro Tull and ELO are.

But this isn't about me hypocritically ranting about pretentious people while name dropping bands I like. This is about modern rock stations. Nearly all music played on modern rock stations sucks. The only exception I can think of is this one that only comes in during a ten mile stretch of road in my hometown that plays Nirvana every other song. The boarders of the stations reception area seems to be the two Shell stations on opposite sides of town. I think the station is broadcast from one of them, but I'm not sure. All other modern rock stations play music that sucks. Hey modern rock DJs, read that joke from two paragraphs ago and replace Steve Earle with The Eagles of Death Metal.

So modern rock and country are out. This leaves good old classic rock to fill the gap. You would think that classic rock stations would have it made. You can hand select from a great number of great songs going all the way back to the 60s up to the 90s. There should never be a lackluster song in the mix and there should be a huge variety. However this never proves true. I have heard that fucking Billie Squier song about stroking way too many times in my life. By the way, once is too many times. That song is absolutely terrible in every single way yet it seems to be on an hourly rotation.

Speaking of songs I hate, every single song by Def Leopard is horrific. Def Leopard has to be the absolute worst band ever. They aren't talented, they're songs are shit, and the only reason they were popular is because trailer sluts wanted to boink them. They should be forgotten, not given the glory of having their songs transverse the airwaves through the power of antennas. Can you imagine what will happen when "Pour Some Sugar on Me" is picked up by aliens? It will embarrass the planet for the next million years.

I am very thankful that since I started writing this article I was able to get my car repaired and returned to me. I'm also thankful that my insurance company decided that instead of paying to fix the damages just gave me a check for what they thought the car was worth and told me if I wanted it fixed I would have to pay for it myself. The check they gave me was way more then the estimate. Heck, it was more then I actually paid for the car. I have no idea why they did that. Usually when an insurance agency totals a car its because the damage is so severe that it costs more to fix it then to replace it. In my situation I got the car fixed and had enough left over to buy a bunch of Supertramp CDs. Supertramp CDs that I will listen to with the CD player in my car. The CD player I use instead of listening to the radio.

Hey radio, suck on that one for awhile...asshole.