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Weezer Song Meanings

The other day my fellow bandmate Mikey Welsh asked me for a ride to the county courthouse. On the way there, the song "Hash Pipe" came on the radio and he started telling me the story behind that song. I thought it was very interesting and then I thought it would make a neato Dumb Baby article if I gave the meanings behind all of Weezer's songs. Mikey was more then happy to tell me what he knew, and he even called in fellow Weezer bassists Scott Shriner and Matt Sharp to give some insight on songs Mikey didn't work on. Overall, it was a great experience and I hope we all can better understand the songwritings of Rivers Cuomo.

Please note all these songs were written by Rivers Cuomo. He is too egotistical to let anybody else have songwriting credits for any project he is involved in.

Blue Album

My Name Is Jonas

This song is about River Cuomo two brothers, Jonas and Wepeel. As you can see, all the Cuomo boys have unfortunate first names. Rivers chose to write the song from the perspective of Jonas because Jonas always supported Rivers rock ambitions. Wepeel on the other hand often called Rivers a "pantywaist" for not becoming a construction worker or train engineer and once stole River's prized collection of battery operated robot toys from the 50s. These struggles and tribulations are recorded in the song.

No One Else

Briefly in 1993 Rivers was able to trick a girl into dating him by making her think he was a cool rock and roll star. The relationship mostly consisted of her making fun of Rivers and looking for men to cheat on him with. Rivers decided to break it off with her, but was too scared to do it in person so he just sent her a copy of this song.

The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

This song is about how much Rivers missed the before mentioned girlfriend. It also details how many times he pleasured himself while thinking of her (one thousand times). Oddly enough later breakups would prove this to be a much lower number then the average.

Buddy Holly

This song is about how Rivers and a female Asian friend were teased in high school. As it features an Asian female, a plutonic relationship with a woman, and Rivers being teased, it can be said that Buddy Holly is the epitome of all Weezer songs.

Undone—The Sweater Song

The vocal interludes were inspired by early Weezer concerts. It was not uncommon for people to loudly talk during Weezer concerts about more enjoyable plans they had for after the concert. The Sweater Song being a fairly slow and quiet song made it even easier for these comments to be heard. The song itself is about how much Rivers likes the sweaters his grandmother makes him but hates it when the yarn unravels.

Surf Wax America

Surfing is fun.

Say it Ain't So

Rivers always assumed that his mother and father divorced due to his father being an alcoholic. One day Rivers found a bottle of beer in the fridge, and feared his stepfather would become an alcoholic and his mother would divorce him.

As it turns out drinking was not the reason Rivers parents divorced. His father rarely if ever drank. Rivers' father left his mother because he was so disappointed in Rivers as a son that he couldn't take the shame of remaining part of the family. This shame later led Rivers step father to becoming an alcoholic.

"Say it Ain't So" is about the feelings River had when his step father turned to booze to cope with his step son.

In the Garage

"In the Garage" is about the garage Rivers was forced to sleep in during his teen years after his family decided to turn his room into an extra pantry. Rivers often played Dungeons and Dragons by himself in the garage. If you know anything about Dungeons and Dragons then you would know that Dungeons and Dragons doesn't work that way.

Holiday

This is a song about Rivers bragging about how he gets to take a lot of vacations because he is in a band while its hard for those of us with real jobs to get time off. Rivers is a huge dick sometimes.

Only in Dreams

"Only in Dreams" is about a beautiful Asian woman who loves Rivers Cuomo. Of course this kind of woman can only be found in Rivers' dreams

Pinkerton

Tired of Sex

This song was originally slated to be part of the rock opera Tales from the Black Hole. In the rock opera the character Jonas (named after Rivers' brother) pulls away from the character Maria and starts having random sex with every man, woman, and robot on the space station. He soon realizes that he is worn out and desires true love not just sex.

Please note this song has nothing to do with the sex life of Rivers Cuomo.

Getchoo

This song is written from the perspective of somebody horsing around with Rivers. Everything begins innocent and fun, then the person accidently knocks Rivers over and makes him scrape his knee. Rivers is upset, cries, and won't play with that person anymore. That person of course feels bad because he would never want to hurt Rivers. It is a fairly accurate song except for the part about the person not wanting to hurt Rivers.

No Other One

This song is about a girlfriend who is caught in a spiral of drugs and promiscuity but Rivers doesn't want to leave her because he fears being alone. Like most of Rivers girlfriends this one is purely hypothetical.

Why Bother

This song is about Rivers wondering if he should get a girlfriend and then deciding it isn't worth it unless she is Asian and he can somehow guarantee she won't run out on him like all the others. This goal was met when he married mail order bride Kyoko Ito in 2006.

Across the Sea

"Across the Sea" is about Rivers getting a fan letter from a Japanese girl and how he later fantasized about her, but was too scared to actually meet her. No for real, that's what the song is about. I'm not joking around at all. Rivers is really making it hard for me to make fun of him by implying that he is an Asian obsessed nerd who never gets any action because he is scared of girls.

The Good Life

Before recording Pinkerton, Rivers Cuomo decided to attend Harvard. "The Good Life" chronicles how lonely he was at Harvard. It appears that despite the fact that he released a very well received rock album and was sort of famous, nobody at Harvard wanted to be his friend. His dorm roommate even moved out after the attention starved Rivers started following him everywhere. Lonely, Rivers began working on Pinkerton. He also got kicked out of Harvard.

El Scorcho

Rivers stole the lyrics for this song from an essay written by a classmate at Harvard. Then he added some shit about ECW.

Pink Triangle

This is a song about a girl Rivers knew at Harvard. Despite being obsessed with her, she would not give him the time of day, and often asked him to stop starring at her. Rivers came to the conclusion that it must be because she is a lesbian and wrote a song about how she is a lesbian and that is why she won't date him. The woman sued Rivers for slander and stealing her undergarments; they settled out of court for an unknown amount of money.

Falling For You

This song is about Rivers playing Bubble Bobble for the first time and deciding it is the best game in the world. The "you" he fell for is Bub, his preferred character.

Butterfly

I'm fairly certain "Butterfly" is about rape. The butterfly is the woman, the Mason jar is the basement in River's house. The line "I did what my body told me to" refers to Rivers not being able to control his sexual urges. "I smell you on my hand for days" is a reference to him penetrating her with his hand, "I guess you're as real as me" is when he realizes that he has hurt another human, but the next line "Maybe I can live with that" is about how he thinks he can suffer the guilt, although he also states that he needs a life of fantasy and chasing butterflies, which means he might go back to pretending the woman he rapes are just "fairy pets." The lines "I'm sorry" is Rivers begging for forgiveness from the woman he has violated.

So yeah, Rivers Cuomo is a rapist. You can quote me on that.

Green Album

Don't Let Go

Before he set sought to go to Hollywood to make it big River Cuomo's mother gave him a piece of advice. She said "Don't let Rivers, don't let go of your small town generosity, don't let go of you modesty, and most of all, don't let go of your heart". Rivers always remembered these words. "Don't Let Go" is a memorial to his mother and the words of advice she gave before her death.

Photograph

Every moment is a picture. This song is about all of the Polaroids of your life being put together to make a slide show.

It's also kind of about The Grand Canyon. Rivers took a lot of photographs when he went to The Grand Canyon.

Hash Pipe

Rivers wrote the song "Hash Pipe" because he wanted people to think he was cool and did drugs. It did not work. Everybody knows that Rivers can't even swallow non-chewable vitamins.

Islands in the Sun

"Island in the Sun" was written as the theme song for Holiday in the Sun starring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Rivers Cuomo has been a huge Olsen twin fan ever since the award winning How the West was Fun and jumped on the chance to work with his idols. Most of the lyrics were written with Mary Kate while Ashley provide the bass line and guitar solo. Weezer took care of the rest of the song. Ashley Olsen was quoted as saying "Rivers was nice but he smelled a lot like Turpentine."

Crab

This is yet another song about Rivers being lonely. The twist is that it is sung from the perspective of a Vietnamese girl named Crab. Mikey Welsh says Rivers use to put on a dress and pretend to be Crab when he thought nobody was around. Everybody in the band knew he did this and used to make jokes about it to each other.

Knock Down Drag Out

This song is about Rivers wanting his room to be painted red but his mom thought that it would look better blue. Neither one of them would let up and the fight was described as a knock down drag out war by Weepel. Rivers eventually got his way when he and his mother drag raced go karts to see who would get to choose the color. Despite his mother having more experience in go kart races Rivers' lighter weight allowed him to accelerate faster and steal a victory.

Smile

"Smile" is about a sign that Rivers' dentist use to have on his wall. It read "Smile: Open your heart and let the good stuff out" although the line "Water me girl and let me ease the drought" is about pee porn.

Simple Pages

"Simple Pages" is about Pat Wilsons' favorite activity, reading while listening to the radio. It's called Simple Pages because Pat Wilson is barely one step above illiterate and can only read the simplest of children's books. Rivers often mocks Pat Wilson's inability to read by giving Pat embarrassing books as presents. Pat Wilson being unable to read what the book is about will often keep in on a shelf in his study until somebody points out that it is a book on overcoming pedophilia. Pat Wilson then shakes his fists and yells "Oooo that Rivers Cuomo got me again!"

Glorious Day

This song is about the time Rivers got all messed up on cough syrup and played that one Simpsons Arcade game for seven hours in a row. Bart and Lisa are the glorious children mentioned in the song.

Oh Girlfriend

At first it seems that this is yet another song about Rivers not being able to hold on to a girl. The line "I was happy as a little boy could be" gives away the truth though, it is really about a young Rivers falling in love with his mom. At age 9 Rivers Cuomo proposed to his mother. This was met with much laughter, mocking, and eventually Rivers living in the garage.

Maladroit

American Gigolo

This is a straightforward song about Rivers Cuomo's favorite movie…The Goonies.

Dope Nose

This song was written the same night as "Hash Pipe". Legend has it, Rivers wrote both songs after eating half a bag of Kool-Aid mix and drinking three liters of diet Coke. "Dope Nose" is about Rivers wishing he could be in the band Dope while also wishing he could meet Cownose the 50 pound cat.

Keep Fishing

This song is about Rivers using the old adage "There's more fish in the sea" to consol himself whenever he fails to get a girl. Since Rivers can fail to get a girl four or five times in one night, he has to tell himself to keep fishing for the right one.

Take Control

"Take Control" is a song about Rivers taking a pottery class at the local learning annex. He didn't like how everybody paid attention to the teacher while ignoring him so he set out to take control of the class from the teacher. He did this by spreading rumors that the teacher was part of the Klan while telling people he was a world champion pottist. He even began purchasing expensive pottery and bringing it to the class to claim as his own. Eventually the teacher was forced to resign and Rivers took over the duties of the class. People realized River's ruse at this point and were very angry at him. Rivers responded to the anger of his class mates by telling them to "Suck my blowhole" before storming out of the class to the parking lot where he keyed everybody's cars.

Death And Destruction

Death and Destruction were the names of Rivers twin gerbils. He named them after his two favorite words that start with D. The song details Death and Destruction having a wild Hamtaro-esq adventure in downtown Tokyo.

Slob

This song recreates every phone call Rivers has with his mother. She is always telling him to get a job and a wife, despite the fact that he makes a lot of money as a musician and has gotten married. Rivers' mother suffers from Alzheimer's so every time she says these things to him it is like a stab in his heart.

Burndt Jamb

"Gothic Flavor/how I miss you/ if only once/ I could kiss you" is a reference to Ellie Nash from Canada's Degrassi: The Next Generation. Like many nerds, Rivers is a huge fan of Degrassi. Being that there are no Asians on the show he could obsess over he developed on crush on Ellie, because she is the girl on the show most likely to listen to Weezer enough to want to have sex with Rivers.

The lines "And the water/running over/ me is growing/ever colder" is about Rivers taking a cold shower after watching an episode of Degrassi which heavily features Ellie.

Space Rock

With a name like "Space Rock" it is obvious this song is about how awesome the Deep Purple song "Space Trucking" is. Everybody loves "Space Trucking". Rivers had to be careful to keep the tribute to "Space Trucking" vague though, so that people wouldn't decide to turn off Weezer and go listen to Deep Purple.

Slave

This song is about what Rivers was expecting when he ordered his mail order bride Kyoko Ito. He thought that even though he purchased her from a crime lord, she would fall in love with him and willingly live with him in his loving arms. Rivers was very wrong.

Fall Together

Rivers Cuomo was a level 6 Bard in his Dungeons and Dragons group during the recording of Maladroit. He was also constantly causing the group to almost die and failing to do anything useful. "Fall Together" is about how he causes his fellow warriors to fall from grace. "I'll be your weakness baby/And get to you" refers to Rivers being the weakest member of the group and how he annoys all the other players. "That's what they teach you baby/To dig my sound" these lines are about Rivers character choosing to sing at a crucial moment rather then help kill monsters. Rivers was eventually kicked out of the group because nobody could stand him and he was too cheap to bring the chips when it was his turn.

Possibilities

Rivers is imagining himself and a girl. There are all kind of possibilities for love, yet none of them come true, even though Rivers is just imagining the situation. Even in fantasies Rivers fails to get the ladies.

Love Explosion

"Take a listen around you all the people that around in your house/they've been wanting to kill you in your sleep"

Pretty much a summary of the feelings of anybody who has had to live with Rivers Cuomo. There is also a section about how much Rivers likes to dance at clubs. This was originally two short songs, one about people wanting to murder Rivers, and one about dancing. They were combined into one by Maladroit producer George Martin.

December

This is a happy-go-lucky song about how much Christmas means to us all. Rivers originally hoped this song would become a hit during the holiday season, although it failed to get much yuletide play due to the inclusion of the phrase "numb nuts." Apparently, Pat Wilson added numb nuts to the song in post-production without telling Rivers, and the inclusion was never caught before the album's release.

Make Believe

Beverly Hills

"Beverly Hills" is about how Rivers wishes he was cool and could be a big shot in Beverly Hills. However at the end of the song he comes to the revelation that big shots in Beverly Hills have popularity among people other than high schoolers who never get laid.

Perfect Situation

Yet another song about Rivers not getting any attention from the ladies. Boring.

This Is Such A Pity

This song is about Kyoko Ito beating up Rivers and him wishing she would love him as much as he loves her, but that will never happen as long as Rivers forces her to dress like Sailor Jupiter.

Hold Me

Rivers Cuomo is scared of the dark and asks people to hold him until he falls asleep. What a sissy.

Peace

This song is about how Japanese girls always seem to throw out the peace sign in photos, and also about how Rivers Cuomo is obsessed with Japanese girls.

We Are All On Drugs

A song lampooning and pointing out the flaws of the participants of the Hollywood party circuit would make a great song idea Rivers thought while listening to Alice Cooper's "Sunset Babies". Rivers' attempt at such a song was not as cool as Alice Cooper's.

The Damage In Your Heart

Rivers thought if he combines the words from song titles from Neil Young's Harvest into song titles for songs he wrote, people would like his song twice as much as the two Neil Young songs. That theory proved to be very wrong. The song itself is just a generic Weezer song about love not working out.

Pardon Me

Rivers is apologizing through song for being such a dick to everybody. Nobody is buying it though. The last time Rivers apologized to everybody for being a dick he said he was going to make it up to them by throwing a huge party at a nice club. Well Rivers did throw the party, but he ran out without paying the bill, forcing Pat Wilson to cover the expensive. It cost so much that Pat Wilson couldn't afford to visit his Grandmother when she was on her death bed. Now when Rivers tries to apologize to everybody they say to him "Shut up yo face."

My Best Friend

According to Mikey Welsh this song is about him. He says Rivers sent it to him in an email in an attempt to get him back in the band. Mikey says he had to say no because he has too much pride in his music to be part of Weezer. I kind of doubt this since Weezer makes a lot of money and currently Mikey shares a two room apartment with nine people.

The Other Way

This one is about Rivers wanting to help somebody but being too scared of new people to do anything, so he turns the other way. It was inspired by Rivers witnessing an old lady being robbed. The lady fought valiantly for her purse, but rather then helping her or getting the police, Rivers chose to run away while crying. He was found several hours later sobbing shirtless in the park.

Freak Me Out

"Freak Me Out" is about Rivers wandering around at night, seeing a black guy, and getting scared that the black guy will "pop a gun in my butt." Rivers is a racist and assumes all "Afro-Americanos" are gang bangers. There are a lot of songs on Make Believe about Rivers being a huge wuss.

Haunt You Every Day

This song is about a promise Rivers made to Pat Wilson. Rivers said if he died before Pat then he would come back as a ghost and haunt Pat forever. Pat Wilson is really scared of ghosts so this freaked him out a lot. Pat Wilson's freak out should not be confused with the song "Freak Me Out."