The Web BtC

The Return of TV

The television and movie writers reached a deal a couple of months ago with the Hollywood fat cats, ending the recent strike that forced TV into reruns and forced me to have to find something else to do other than watch TV. I ended up having to occupy my time with the web and video games. What? Go out and exercise?Ha ha--not a chance. You aren't suckering me into that great outdoors scheme. It's just a way for smoothing talking snake oil salesmen to sucker people out of their money. Trees, what a rip off.

Howie MandellTo make up for the lack of any good shows, NBC to air Deal or No Deal seven nights a week, giving people almost enough time to try to understand how the fucking game works. Seriously, the show is confusing as hell. I’ve watched it several times with people at work and no one has figured out how Deal or No Deal works . We know the contestant has to win a million dollars and they periodically have to choose cases with dollar amounts inside them and then someone offers them less than a million dollars to go away. The big question is how the person actually wins the million dollars and also why is Howie Mandell doing this show when the world is clearly ready for new episodes of Bobby's World? And why did Howie Mandell shave his head? He looks like some lame Canadian porn star.

NBC also brought back American Gladiators to fill airtime. I thought the show was great when I was eight, but the new version just doesn't cut it these days. We live in a Ninja Warrior world now, I expect more out of my common man athletic competitions. Ninja Warrior completely blows American Gladiators out of the water in terms of difficulty and entertainment value. The obstacle course is much tougher to compete in. And when you fall off in American Gladiators, you fall into nice clean sanitary pool. When you fall off in Ninja Warrior, you fall into a shallow, dirty pond. Not only are you covered in mud and sewage runoff, but you risk a frog hopping into your ass crack. I could see competing on American Gladiators if the Ninja Warrior people turned you down for being disabled or because you were undergoing chemotherapy, but other than that, the true test of endurance is located in Japan; competing on American Gladiators is only for second rate gym monkeys. This just proves that ninjas beat gladiators. The only reason the Roman Empire was able to survive for so long was because east Asia was too far away to be a threat.

I've tried to fill the void by watching more TV news, because the people who write the news aren't unionized so they can't strike. The number one show on cable news is Fox News Channel's The O'Reilly Factor hosted by Bill O'Reilly. Liberals pussies, anti-war America haters, and militant fags who wish to sodomize traditional values all had better watch out because Bill O'Reilly is going to take them to the No Spin Zone like they're a sexy phone conversation with an executive producer. Then at the same time O'Reilly is on Fox News, there is Countdown with Keith Olbermann on MSNBC, which is just an hour long show about how much Bill O'Reilly sucks.

So now that good TV shows are soon returning, it is reason to celebrate. Huzzah indeed! I most look forward to NBC's Thursday night lineup, because NBC is doing me a favor by putting the only shows I watch on NBC together. The Office is the show I'm most looking forward to seeing again. I can't wait to follow the wacky adventures of Dunder-Mifflin and I wonder what they have in store. I bet Michael will alienate an office worker with his lack of people skills. Maybe Dwight will do something weird. There will sure to be lots of awkward pauses!

I also look forward to watching My Name is Earl. I like Earl because most sitcoms center around single people living in a big city, but Earl is all about single people living in a small town. Also, some of the characters are married and have kids. I don't think the town Earl live in is that small, though. I grew up in an incredibly small town and every show that takes place in a small town, like King of the Hill, always features a town that appears to be much larger than the one I'm from. Both towns have a lot more businesses and things to do than my own town. King of the Hill even has a college and a fairly large homosexual community; you're in a pretty large sized town if you have enough gays around that they can date.

Tracy Morgan Career Highlights:

SNL's Other Black Guy 1996-2000

SNL's Black Guy 2000-2003

Star of The Tracy Morgan Show (NBC) - cancelled after one season, 2003

Host of Cajun Cooking with Tracy Morgan (syndicated) - 2004-present

Host of Ask a Lawyer with Tracy Morgan (Court TV) 2005 - cancelled following a investigation into Morgan's law degree as well as a class action suit on behalf of callers

30 Rock (NBC) - 2006-present

Tracy Morgan
Tracy Morgan unveiling his new fashion line--shirts with his face on them.

Another show I enjoy is 30 Rock, starring Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan from Saturday Night Live as members of a live sketch comedy show like SNL but on another day and with only three people in the cast. Tracy Morgan does a good job at playing a crazy black actor who yells a lot. You know, the part he played on every sketch on SNL. It seems like the part he was born to play. I can't wait until he stars in the Astronaut Jones movie. I don't care if you don't think there is enough material there for a full length movie, that's never stopped SNL before and it'd be the best SNL movie by far since The Blues Brothers.

It's also interesting that Tracy Morgan's character is named Tracy Jordan. I assume this is because he wouldn't remember which character he was unless they shared the same first name. The character's original name was Montel Jackson but Tracy would never remember that those were his lines in the script. Instead, he'd just swear and shake his crotch in the direction of Tina Fey. Tina was, of course, flattered, but needed to change the character's name before they started filming. The character's last name is Jordan because Tracy wanted him to be related to Michael Jordan. The producers gave him this during contract negotiations instead of paying him a reasonable salary. Tracy Morgan is the best part of the show. Yeah, the main focus is on Tina Fey's character and plotlines that are all "Wahh...wahh...sexism is so bad for women...wahh." But Tracy Jordan steals the show, as does his crew, Grizz and Dot Com. Those guys should be featured more often. I don't see why we have to waste time with Jake Donaghy or the TSG staff when Grizz and Dot Com could be getting into all sorts of mischief. I demand an NBC TV movie where the three of them road trip across America in search of buried treasure.

I find this to a better idea than what the show does more frequently: have Tina Fey's character struggle to find a man. Yeah, she doesn't do well with men on the show. It's really hard to believe that because this is Tina Fey we're talking about. There's not a single straight man out there who when they hear the words "Tina Fey" don't instantly think, "Damn she's hot." Tina Fey is even a look, the whole dark hair and thick blacks glasses is a big thing with a lot of girls now. She's easily the sexist SNL cast member since Chris Farley. Does Tina Fey not realize how hot men find her? All she needs to do is search for her name on an internet message board and she'll find threads like this:

Forum Post

Actually, it's probably a good thing that Tina Fey doesn't know what guys think about her.