I Am An Adult God Damnit!
I am an adult god damnit! And as an adult I can buy and eat Easter candy even if it isn't Easter yet. You better believe I've been doing it too. Cadburry Eggs, Cadburry Mini Eggs, Resses's Peanut Butter Egg Shaped food products, they have all fallen into my deadly grasp. As I laid surrounded by the spent wrappers and chocolaty remains, I realized something, I had forgotten to get a chocolate bunny.A chocolate bunny, of course. That would fill the hole in my heart. The hole that has been there my entire life. Religion, love, internet humor, all undertakings that been nothing more than a thimble's worth of water trying to fill a canteen, but a chocolate bunny, yes this would do the job. I wasted no time. I set out that very second, racing like a madman to town where all the goodies I could ever desire would be kept. Mother Love Bone's cool adult contemporary tried to sooth my fervor, but songs about star dog champions can do little to put out the flames of chocolate bunny desire.
I kicked open the automatic glass doors of Walmart, "Where are the chocolate bunnies!" I screamed at an elderly worker. I then ran to the candy aisle before the old man could answer. I knew where it was from my earlier indulgence. Before me was my Mecca. Which bunny would be mine? There were so many choices. Everything from tiny 97 cent tin foil wrapped morsels to 15 dollar foot tall masterpieces. What was intriguing was that all the bunnies looked pretty much the same. Really there were two variations.
This guy is obviously made to resemble a real rabbit. It features little to distinguish it from reality except for the fact that real rabbits are made out of flesh and bone, rather than pure coco bliss.
Then you have things like this. It is a cartoon rabbit. Fairly generic, buck teeth big eyes, not really much detail in the sculpting. Nothing much worth noting.
Then pure doe eyed bunny stared at me from its plastic container.
A bold move in the Easter candy medium. Unlike the previous generic anamorphic bunny or the realistic "hunkered down in the grass hiding from foxes" rabbit this particular chocolate bunny is a disturbingly detailed alternative. It is just too cute and too detailed. Look at the eyes. They depict a creature of complete innocence. This rabbit not only had no idea that there could be cruelty in the world, much less that it is going to be eaten. Eating this rabbit is like looking a person in the face before shooting them.
Am I the only one who thinks eating an animal that looks this adorable is wrong? Animal crackers are just featurless blobs that sort of resemble the animal. Real animals can be cute, but not after they go through the butcher shop. Chocolate bunnies themselves don't really look cute in anyway. No food that looks like animals is depicted as being super adorable except for this one. Look at this guy, he looks straight out of one of those baby books that are made out of soft plastic. I swear it is made to depict Pipkin from Watership Down: The Animated Adventures of the Best Selling Richard Adams Noel: The Cartoon. I don't want to eat Pipkin. I want to watch him go on adventures and do that cute thing where bunnies sniff the air. Tearing into his mocha flesh is not something I have ever even thought about doing. Not ever!
I don't even think that this is Easter candy. I base this off the fact that the bunny is not the only member of this product line.
Meet Deer and raccoon, two completely non-Easter related animals. Both shown to be just as innocent as rabbit, unaware of their grisly fate. These creatures should be singing songs to toddlers or teaching us to avoid peer pressure. They should not be manhandled and devoured by greedy fat kids who can't stuffing their faces with confectionary forest dwellers. Who the hell designed these things? The raccoon is even sniffing some sort of plant. Can you even look at that without saying "ahhh."
As I ate rabbit I found myself giving excuses to deer and raccoon about why I was eating their friend."Come on guys, don't look at me like that. I just got off work and I'm hungry. Stop looking at me like that. I didn't feel like eating the leftover pizza okay? I wanted chocolate!" They don't forgive me though, my pleas for forgiveness fell about deaf years. "Why, why must you eat our fwiend mister human?" They ask me. What do you say in a situation like that? I don't deserve Easter Candy. I am a god damn ogre.
Those eyes, those eyes, those eyes are evil I tell you. They follow you around the room like some sort of haunted painting. Its like some sort of bizarre Goosebumps book about a man using the soles of animals to make chocolate, then the protagonist finds out about the evil deed and tells everybody but nobody believes him, then evil is foiled, but there is some sort of twist at the end of the book, like the evil dude is still alive or the protagonist was really a monster or something. Every Goosebumps book had a stupid twist. It would have been more of a twist to not have a twist. Hows this for a twist, it isn't a book, IT'S REAL LIFE!!! I just ate a pure sole of a truly innocent being. It was tasty too. It tasted like…chocolate.
You see I think whoever designed this candy must be a deviant and maybe a pedophile. What's more innocent then children? Nothing. What does a pedophile do? Destroy innocence. Eating the innocent destroys innocence just as much as sex, and as I have said many times before, those are the goddamn most innocent animals in the world.
The box says these things are made by Frankford Candy and Chocolate Company. A search of that companies website shows no evidence of the Woodland Animal brand, nor could a Google search find anything about these confectorys. I am scared to go back to Walmart just in case I can't find any more of them. I would look where they were and find one of those five dollar DVD bins. I would then ask a worker what happened to the candy aisle and he would say "Candy aisle? I reckon their ain't been no candy aisle here in pertnear 50 years, not since Frankford Candy and Chocolate Company crossed the line and tried to infuse the soles of baby woodland animals into their chocolate. Not since all the lives lost," then lightening would crash and I would realize that I had eaten a monkey's paw (not literally) and I would pay a horrible price for my candy wish.
So what should I do with these things? I ate the bunny. I suppose I will have to eat the rest. It won't be healthy, mentally or physically. Never before have I felt guilty about something I eat but what else can I do? It would be like killing off one brother and leaving the other two alive to live in grief. Actually that makes no sense at all. Its usually better to not kill off entire families. None the less those things are getting eaten by somebody because I can't live with them sitting on my fridge, asking me why bad things have to happen to good people, and haunting my dreams. Be warned internet readers, Woodland Animals chocolate can be eaten, but at a heavy price. It goes down your throat smooth, but it tears at your soul.