Kevin and Kell:
An Examination of the Web ComicIn 1995 Bill Hollbrook had a dream. A dream to have a comic strip which made jokes about computer things being literal. Like a firewall would be made out of actual fire, or a megabyte would be shaped so that it would appear that a bite was taken out of it. This may be a simple dream when in the grand scheme of things. Martin Luther King JR dreamed of a world without racism, Mahatma Gandhi dreamed of a world without war, Adolph Hitler dreamed of a world without Jews. The difference between these figures and Bill Hollbrock accomplished his dream. He called it Kevin and Kell.
Kevin and Kell is notable as one of the first web based comic strips. It is also notable because it was being drawn by a professional cartoonist, not a loser who lives in a basement or a furry who lives in a basement. It is also noticeable for being completely fucking insane. Bill Hollbrook has no idea what he is talking about half the time and the other half of the time he is making jokes which seem innocent enough until you actually stop to think about them. I'm talking dirty gross things that in another context would rip your mind to shreds with their layers of depravity. Take this comic for example
Your brain process it as a simple comic about a child walking in on his parents having sex. Ha ha, we've all been there, right folks? But wait a minute, take notice of just how freaky that sex is. The mother is dressed as Little Red Riding Hood who is depicted as a prepubescent girl pretty much in every incarnation. The father (step father) is dressed as the grandmother. They are role playing as a sickly grandmother who is going to have sex with her own preteen granddaughter. Pedophilia, incest, and sex with a senior citizen. I'm not sure if you can get a more vile combination without throwing a corpse into the mix, and given this comic chances are there is one in that basket. Friends, this is Kevin and Kell.
This article won't make a whole lot of sense if you don't know the players and the background. Luckily Bill Hollbrook is kind enough to set the stage with the very first comic featured above. The rabbit is Kevin, the adult wolf (yes that's suppose to be a wolf) is Kell, the smaller wolf is Rudy from her first marriage to a fox and the porcupine is Lindesfarne, the adopted daughter of Kevin. Kevin and Kell marry combining their two families who are polar opposites. If we added four more kids and Patrick Duffy then the comic would be titled Step by Step: The Furry Years.
Oh and Suzanne Summers, err Kell, isn't fat. She's just pregnant. The result is a bunny which is carnivorous like a wolf. In fact there about 2000 strips over the run of the comic about how crrraaazzzyyy it is that a bunny eats animals. I could have demonstrated that with a comic, but I wanted to post one featuring Coney and also one that would bring us back to the original reason Kevin and Kell was created, to make jokes about computers that don't really make sense.
Aside from the fact that letting your child shit on the floor is bad form, one would assume that an online paper trail would be virtual, online if you would. Not actually in the house, as if it were in the house and not online then it would not be an online paper trail as a online paper trail would be on the internet. See what I'm getting at?
Lets look at some other examples of this category of comic…
I don't even know where to begin with this one. For one thing I doubt fire flies give off heat. Secondly even if they did magnifying the heat onto a point on the CD would fail to put media onto the CD. Thirdly is Bill Hollbrook implying that there are companies that burn CDs for you, like you tell them what songs or files you want on a CD and they make it for you, or that companies which sell software and music individually burn each and every CD. Because I don't think either one of those situations is accurate. I also doubt Bill Hollbrook knows the answer either.
Get it? Porn is steamy hot so it causes thermal updrafts. Also Rudy is masturbating on the front steps so this also counts as a comic that is really creepy once you think about it.
Like all teenagers Rudy's ability to search for hardcore pornography only improves with time. Before during his public masturbation sprees he could only find sites hot enough to cause thermal updrafts. Now a seasoned veteran he can find sites that will produce enough fire to melt ice, or something. I'm not sure why porn produces fire but I guess it does. Thermal updrafts sort of makes sense, what with porn being steamy hot like I mentioned, but fire seems a bit over the top, or maybe it is literal fire porn where the people have sex while in a burning house or something. I don't know.
You know what? I bet he went to Fireshozen.com. Also there is only one other person in the world who will get that joke so don't feel bad if you are confused.
Porn also will peel your wallpaper for some reason. Once again, I'm not sure why. A porn set probably does smell pretty rank, what with all the sex and solvents used to clean gold chains, but I don't think of porn as being something smelly enough to peel wallpaper. In comic strips those kinds of jokes are usually reserved for something like having to change a baby's diaper. Maybe Kevin has a lot of poop porn on his computer or something. Given the bizarre sexual habits he and his wife display I wouldn't be too surprised by something like that.
Kevin and Kell are having loud anal sex is how I chose to interpret this comic. I suppose it could be vaginal but just in the doggy style, which is not too weird since one of the is a canine. What is important is the fact that they are fucking on the floor so loudly that their children are very much aware of what they are doing. Can you imagine how much loud sex they must have experienced in their short lives that they are no longer disturbed by the notion? Most parents at least try to hide their sexual activities but for the non-stop fuck fest that is the marriage between Kevin and Kell there is no subtly.
Look at this sad situation Rudy, Lindesfarne and Coney are forced to sit on the front steps and wait until their parent's wild fucking ends. They are going at it so fervently THAT THE ENTIRE HOUSE IS SHAKING! That tree is a rockin so don't come a knockin. Remember the last time your parents sent you to the yard so that they could screw? No you don't because your parents aren't that horny/negligent.
They can't even stop long enough so that the kids can have guests over. Poor Fiona, the only thing worse then hearing your parents have sex is hearing your friend's parents have sex in the middle of the day while incorporating hand painted props. I'm not even sure what kind of sexual acts they can be referring to, unless it has something to do with blowjobs.
Every single comedy show about a family has done the episode where the son walks in on the parents in the throw of marital relations and is disturbed by it. Now here we have a situation where the children have no doubt walked in on their parents many many times, so many times that instead of being traumatized they just nonchalantly make jokes about it. It's like when a soldier or homicide detective makes jokes about the bullet ridden corpse in front of them. They might seem okay but the full effect of all this trauma is something that comes out in the children's own sex lives.
Oh that's cute, they're making out when the parents are out of the room. Kell wants to keep on eye on them to make sure it doesn't go too far. Oh Kell, if you only knew…
but your son is into costume sex. In fact he has an entire closet dedicated to this. Nothing sexier then putting on the old plate mail and having a row with the wench, but I have a saying "If you need to dedicate a section of your home to your sex life then your sex life is too freaky." It doesn't matter what you are into to, S&M, costumes, sex swings, being dressed like a baby, if you have to dedicate more then the your nightstand and maybe the area beneath your bed to your sex life then you need to cut back.
At least Fiona still has some decency, putting her limits at pretending Rudy is a different species. Rudy has learned a valuable lesson today, while woman aren't adverse to pretending you are Spiderman, they don't want to fuck a lion. This also cements Rudy as being a furry, or as much of a furry you can be when everybody is already an animal.
Lindesfarne for the most part is better off, not actually engaging in sex. She and Fenton enjoy pleasant nights outside were he masturbates while looking at her nude.
Okay that actually kind of worse. At least Rudy and Fiona keep it behind doors.
Okay, out door torture bondage? That's taking it way to far you two. Children could be about and they don't need sexual perversion ruining their camp out.
Lindesfarne and Fenton also enjoy making out in front of her father. You have to wonder why when they are alone Lindesfarne is only interested in pleasing Fenton but while in front of her father she is more then eager to take part of the act. I surmise its some sort of Oedipus complex with the genders reversed. She is engaging in make out city in front of her father because she wishes it was him and she wants to make him jealous. She doesn't care about getting off with Fenton because she is saving herself for Kevin. At the same time she is submissive to any male because of her admiration for her father and is more then willing to do what she had to in order to please and keep her boyfriend.
Well, no matter what kinks Rudy and Lindesfarne are into at least they don't need a vacuum cleaner in order to get off.
I feel the need to cleanse my sole from this filth. Let's go back to poorly thought out computer jokes
You know what I like to do when I am on vacation in a hotel? Not go on the internet. Apparently Bill Hollbrook thinks Wi-Fi is what makes you or breaks you in the tourism business. He is wrong because the only people who go on the internet in hotels are business men and they can spend as much as they want on broadband because they are going to write all off on their taxes anyways.
I don't get this. Is there even a thing called a vanity site? Is it some sort of internet thing from the late 90s or what? I'll be honest, during that period of time I mostly just used computers for playing Oregon Train, but it seems like some sort of use of the term would still exist. I think Bill Hollbrook is just making stuff up.
What the, I don't even know how to react to this one.
It shouldn't be an issue. Porcupines can make their quills soft if they aren't in a defensive position. Water wouldn't be required. Bill Hollbrook apparently knows about as much about porcupines as he does about computers.
Also I bet all of you who don't read the comic are really confused about why she is going into space. I could give a brief synopsis explaining the story line but I won't. You want somebody to actually explain what's going on in something then go to Boycott the Caf. I just make jokes and if you aren't in the know then you are out of luck Buster Brown.
Well at least this one is accurate. As a former teenager with a learners permit with a father I call assure you readers that this does in fact happen. So I guess Bill Hollbrook knows what he is talking about at least once every 13 years. That's a better ratio then most politicians can boast. HEY OH!
If the comic was all there was to write about then this article would be over. There are however related items that make even less sense then the comic. If I were to leave these out then I would be doing the world a disfavor. You've already read ten pages about a comic you don't care about; you might as well read about the rest of the crap.
Have you ever wanted your web hosting needs provided by fictional characters? Well then you should look into Hare Link. I'm not even sure what to think about this. It seems like some sort of joke site except without any jokes. I wonder if any businesses actually use Hare Link. I can imagine the meeting where they discuss web providers
Boss: If our business is going to take the world by storm we need a solid website. Johnson you were suppose to find us a webhost. How is that going?
Johnson: My name is Johanson sir.
Boss: I'm sorry I have a cold.
Johanson: Excuse me?
Boss: Let's just talk about the ISP. What is your recommendation?
Johanson: I think we should go with Hare Link; the prices seem fair and I hear it has SSL secure certificates.
Boss: I see, where did you find out about this ISP?
Johanson: From a comic strip I read about animals.
Boss: Excuse me?
Johanson: I read a comic strip about animals on the Internet and they own an ISP and now thanks to some sort of inter-dimensional travel we can use their services.
Boss: I see. Let me give it to you straight Johnson. I will not be firing you, mostly because I am afraid that in your obviously dementia ridden state you would come back to the office with a shot gun proclaiming we are demons. I am however going to reassign you to the mailroom where you will hopefully never come in contact with me again.
Johanson: Sounds good boss. Let me know how well of a website the wolf builds for us.
Boss: Will do.
I really wonder is if Bill Hollbrook was approached by somebody starting an ISP who wanted to appropriate the Kevin and Kell license or if he himself decided his experience of writing a comic strip where people work at an ISP made him qualified to start one himself. Either way it seems stupid, but I guess it makes more sense then Road Runner high speed internet. The Road Runner, while fast, has little if anything to do with the internet. At least Kevin has experience running an imaginary ISP.
Lindesfarne's Blog is a section of the Kevin and Kell website where stories are rehashed from the point of view of Lindesfarne as if she were writing a blog entry about what is happening in her life. This works fine except for when she isn't present for the event and then she writes a blog entry about how she was told something happened, which is pretty much how blogs work anyways. I heard from a guy that Bush admitted to supporting torture! Read more about it at my blog "George W Bush is a Mother Fucker"
Lindesfarne blog is important to Kevin and Kell because it lets you know what is happening in the comic in a way where there are no jokes and is actually longer to read then the strip itself.
As a person who 12 years ago was given Dungeons and Dragons stuff from his neighbor who was moving out of his parents house and is now selling it on Ebay, I consider myself a bit of an expert at looking at the cover of a Role Playing Game and deciding if it is ugly or not. The Kevin & Kell RPG is definitely ugly. Everything is way too neon. What's really odd is when I looked the game up on Wikipedia the cover was neither neon nor ugly. I got this picture from the website selling the game so I don't know why they are using a poorly formatted image. I think they just don't care.
I kind of wonder how exciting the Kevin and Kell RPG can really be. Sure there are animals trying to eat each other but most of the time they just act like humans except that computer terms are literal. If you want an RPG it seems like there are plenty of alternatives that are more exciting and if you want to pretend to be an animal then you could just get a Second Life Safari account or something.
Now before people think they are clever and point out that I know a lot about something that I am making fun of I would like to point out that it is because I read the comic. You are allowed to enjoy things while pointing out how they are stupid and don't make sense. In fact its more healthy then the alternative, flipping a shit when somebody on the Internet makes fun of something you like
Pointing out that we know a lot of what we are making fun of was a favorite tactic of Power Ranger fans back when every other article on Dumb Baby made fun of Power Rangers. We never actually demonstrated any knowledge of Power Rangers so that argument made no sense. We just cobbled together a few memories from third grade and then called people and things gay. You can see how I am maturing as a writer because I didn't call anybody in this article gay, and there is a lesbian Rhino that I easily could have made a lot of gay jokes about but chose not to because I wanted to take the high road.
Actually it was because the only joke I could think of was about the rhino ramming people in the butt and that only works for male gay rhinos not females. Also I didn't want to go off on any more tangents since this article is already way longer then anybody is going to care to read. It also doesn't make a lot of sense. It is just like Kevin and Kell.