The Web BtC

Taking A Walk

I'm Just Getting By

I decided to take a walk the other day. The sun was out, birds were singing, and roughly 90% of the snow drifts had melted, a perfect Spring day. I moved to my current location in October and there was this park down the road from me that I had never been to because it starts snowing in the U.P. in September and I can't afford the proper equipment to fend off the polar bears who live in the park during the winter.

I decided to pack a lunch and spend some time in this park. I went to Subway for my sandwich because they have that deal where any foot long is five dollars except the cheese steak one which is what I really wanted. That one cost like ten dollars. I was all like "Man I think you are trying to sell me a ticket to rip off city!" to which the clerk responded by starring at me with hate filled eyes. I went with my second choice, prime rib sub.

Back at home I filled a water bottle with pop. I've realized 2 liter jugs are cheaper then 20 oz bottles so I can get more pop for less buck if I just pour the pop into empty water bottles. My pop of the day was Dr. Thunder. This is a rip off of Dr. Peppor with a way more kickass name. I'm pretty sure Dr. Thunder is the name of an AC/DC song. With my lunch packed and my pack secured to my back I was ready to take a crack on the great out doors.

I brought my MP3 player along to entertain myself on my journey. I decided to exclusively listen to songs about walking. After listening to John Prime's Taking a Walk and Pantera's Walk I ran out of songs about walking. It's not a popular subject I guess. Before anybody emails me saying I could have listened to I Walk the Line I have to point out that song is more about following the rules than walking.

A few minutes after I began my walk, a car pulled over to the side of the road. The passenger side window opened and I recognized the driver as somebody from a web design class I had taken during the winter. I took my earphones out and we had an exchange.

"Do you need a ride?" he asked me.

"No, I'm walking," I told him.

"Is your car broken?" he shouted over the radio, rather the just turning the radio down or even off, which would be sensible since we were trying to have a conversation.

"No," I responded a little confused, "I wanted to take a walk."

"I know you have a car, I saw you drive it to school, is it in the shop now?" he hollered at me.

"I just felt like taking a walk," I said this really loud because I wasn't sure if the guy could hear me over his loud music. Not only was the volume cranked up but he had the bass so high that all of his windows shook and it was impossible to actually enjoy the music.

"Hey man I just was offering you a ride, no need to be a cock about it."

"But I wasn't!" I protested.

"Fuck you," he said as he sped away.

I was a bit confuzzled by that. I decided he must be on drugs or something. He did have a bumper sticker which implied the police should leave people alone who smoke the marijuana cigarettes so I think that could be it. I continued on my way without incident for a few minutes. Then I saw my neighbor approaching me with several of his dogs.

"Hello," I said as we came close to each other.

"Hey what's up?" he asked as he came to a stop. My neighbor always wears a bandana on his head. He also has five dogs even though we have the same landlord and I'm not allowed to have any pets. I've always assumed my landlord is a prick who won't let me have a pet for no good reason or more likely my neighbor isn't supposed to have pets either.

"I decided to walk to the park," I told him.


"It's a nice day out and I wanted to go to the park," I told him.

"I see," he said slowly while looking me over, "Where is your car?"

"I decided to walk," I told him again.

"I see," he said again eyeballing my like I was a fat chick in a belly shirt.

"Well I'm going to go," I was getting creeped out since he kept starring at me.

"So what are you selling?" he put his hand on my shoulder as I walked by.

"Excuse me," I wasn't sure what he was talking about. I sell a lot of stuff on Ebay but I didn't have any idea why he would suddenly bring that up.

"Come on brother, you're going to the park with a backpack and aren't taking your car. You obviously are going to sell drugs and don't want the police to be able to identify your ride. What do you have, Panama Red? Louisiana Gold? Garden Green? Let me know, I want in."

"Listen, good sir," I always say good sir when being accused of something, I also talk in a foppish British accent. "I am not selling any illegal substance. I merely wish to partake in walk to the park upon where which I would enjoy a delectable sandwich and perhaps sit on the swings. I would appreciate it if you kept your accusations to yourself, good day."

I swear drugs mess you up. My neighbor must be on drugs too or something. Why else would he assume I was selling drugs unless he had drugs on the mind? It's like when I will use a lot of hot sauce and then all of a sudden I can't stop seeing references to hot sauce all over the place. Like I'll be watching porno and the lady will say "I want your sauce on my face," and I will assume she means hot sauce. Then the guy ejaculates on her and I feel foolish for my assumption.

So I got to the park and unpacked my lunch. It was a little cold and windy, but it was still early enough in the year that I could eat in a park and not be assaulted by five hundred seagulls. I don't know how seagulls survived for thousands of years before picnicking became popular. Well I tells you, I wasn't at the park for five minutes before a police officer came up to me.

"Hey there little guy, whats the matter?" he asked me in a gentle voice reserved for young children and the mentally retarded.

"Nothing is wrong and I am 23," I told him.

"Listen little tyke," the police officer put on foot on the seat of the picnic table and his hand on my shoulder, "Why don't you tell old Officer Jergins what you're doing here?"

"Eating lunch," I pointed at my sandwich.

"Son, you don't need to lie to me, you're running away from home aren't you?"

"What? No, I just wanted to eat outside."

"Liston tiny tot, running away is never the answer. It doesn't matter if you're trying to run from your parents or the Vietcong, you can never get away. Even if you try they will find you and it will only be worse because they know that you will run so they might break your ankles or cut your Achilles tendon."

"I'm not sure what you're getting at," which is the most truthful thing I have ever said.

"Life can be tough for a young one like yourself, maybe your dad beats you or your mother dresses you up like Little Bo Peep for Christmas cards, but running away to live in a park is not the answer. Drug dealers come to this park all the time and they will rape you. Rape you long and hard before kidnapping you to keep as a sex slave."

"I'm not sure that's going to happen since we are the only people in the park right now," I said as I waved my hand around the deserted park, "and also I am not running away, I'm 23 and have been living on my own for some time. I just came here to eat lunch."

The police officer's demeanor changed from friendly cop to angry cop in the span of a second "Huh loitering aye? Probably public drunkenness too, what's in that bottle, it clearly is not water? You'll go to juvie for this."

"It's Dr. Thunder," I explained.

"Don't give me that teenage jazz, what is it, rum and coke, Captain and coke, Pepsi and Acid, rum and captain, spill the beans or I'll spill your blood all over this gazebo!"

"I can prove that I'm not a child or teenager or whatever you seem to think I am," I pulled out my wallet since I figured showing him my driver's license would get him off my back.

"That doesn't look anything like you," he said squinting at the picture.

"Well I grew a beard since the picture was taken, but it is me," I said.

"This man is respectable, clean shaven, a real winner. You look like a caveman from those Geico commercials," he said sneering at me like I was made out of pure crime.

"I think that's a little harsh," I said.

"Oh, what, are you going to cry now? Cry baby cry" and then he started dancing around me like a chicken, which quiet frankly doesn't even make sense since was accusing me of being a cry baby, not a chicken.

"I don't need to take this abuse, I'm leaving," I said standing up.

"Whoe, settle down there Chainsaw Charlie," the officer said while putting his hands up defensively and taking a step back.

"I'm not doing anything," I said.

"We got a situation developing," he said into my wallet as if it were a walkie talkie.

"What situation?" I asked. Then I added, "And that isn't a walkie talkie it's my wallet."

"Oh, you think you're pretty clever don't you>" he said tossing me my wallet, "But the trick is on you, that isn't your wallet at all!"

I thought maybe he had pulled the old switcheroo, so I looked into the wallet. It was clearly my wallet. My license was in it and everything, "Yes it is," I said when I realized that I had been Russo swerved.

"Well, you sure are a quick one aren't you?" he chortled, "Quick like a fox and half as clever."

"Are you on drugs?" I asked him since the only alternative would be some sort of mercury leak in the cities water supply.

"Why, are you selling?" he asked eagerly.


"Aw shucks," he kicked at a pile of dirt.

"With that cleared up I'm going home," I grabbed my backpack and started walking away.

"Allright, have a good one, look out for drug dealing rapists," he waved and walked away in the opposite direction.

I got home without incident lucky enough. I can't get over all of that. I tell you, I just wanted a quiet meal in the park. I didn't expect all of this. Some people I tell you. I don't know if it's drugs, or the mercury in the water or something to do with all that red smoke that comes out of the chicken nugget factory everyday at noon but I swear the people in this town are nuts. I am so glad that I'm moving soon. It'll be nice to live by normal people again. I don't think I'm strange. I don't do drugs, act crazy, or live in some sort of elaborate fantasy world, I'm just a normal guy who writes for a website, hangs out with Jason Mewes, and on occasion saves the world from ultimate evil. Just like everybody else.