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Kevin Smith: The Early Years

Kevin Smith is a film director. For libel reasons, we can't call him an award winning director, or a director of hit films. In fact, it's stretching it to even call him a director. It's best to say that he is a fat guy who puts together low budget movies that usually manage to turn a modest profit after a few years. Dumb Baby has interviewed several people involved in Kevin's Smith younger years in an effort to learn more about the man inside the extra wide denim shorts.

Grace Smith (Kevin's mother): Oh, my Kevin was a fat little baby. He weighed 20 pounds when he he was born. That was a lot of stress on me. The birth took 47 hours and the doctors said I clinically died three times. It also hurt my marriage. Donald [Kevin's father] began to lose interest in sex with me because of how much my vagina had been stretched out due to the birth. My vagina. I'm Kevin Smith's mother.

Henretta Moffit (Kevin's childhood nanny): Little Kevin never liked to be very active. I have nannied many young children and they would always be very curious about the world and love to move around and explore. Kevin was not such a child. He was be content to just sit in one room and not move all day, like a cat. He was far too heavy to pick up without damaging my back, so to get him to move from one room to another, I would have to set a trail of M&Ms.

Kevin also was not toilet trained until the age of seven.

Jason Mewes (childhood friend, actor in several Smith films): Hell yeah man. First time I saw Kevin I thought he was gay cause he was always going on all faggy and shit, talking fairy talk like he doesn't like drugs or breaking into homes to steal people's shoes. I remember the first time I got that butterball high. He was all, "No, no I don't want to do drugs. What if a policeman sees us and we go to jail?" Waa waaa waaaa, what a little cry baby. I tricked him into smoking weed by saying it was a pixie stick. Fucker took one hit off the blunt and pooped his pants. Nooch!

Hey dude, when I'm gonna get paid for this shit?

Craig Bartlett (creator of Nickelodeon's Hey Arnold): Kevin and I went to the same high school. We were in different grades so we didn't hang out or anything. I don't think anyone hung out with Kevin, actually. I was surprised to learn he was married, to a woman at least. I just knew him as the guy who was always eating snacks. You'd always see him munching on a Hershey bar or bag of chips by himself. The inspiration for Chocolate Boy was based on Kevin. He doesn't look anything like Kevin, though. We had to make Chocolate Boy really skinny because he had to move fast in pursuit of chocolate. Kevin doesn't move fast.

Grace Smith: Kevin also liked comic books, almost as much as he liked chocolate. He would read them all day and all night. He'd lock himself in his room all weekend just reading comic book after comic book. He started talking about having a girlfriend. His father and I were really happy to hear this, because we had long worried that he might be a gay. He never liked to be around girls. We soon started to get suspicious, because he rarely left the house except for school and we never got to meet the girl. He said she was from Greece. Then he said she had a magic lasso. After a while, we realized the "girlfriend" he was talking about was Wonder Woman. Young Kevin had a very, very hard time separating reality from fiction. We had to send him to child psychiatrist for many years.

Roger Wilcot (Kevin's childhood bully, executive at Miramax): Yeah, I used to pick on Kev when we were growing up in Jersey. We wouldn't get too physical with the kid; you try to chase him and he'll pass out after trying to run more than ten steps. It really wasn't worth it. I dunno, he made a pretty easy target with being fat and nerdy and eating candy and reading comic books all the time. One time a bunch of us ganged up on him on the street by my house. He had an Iron Man comic book. We took it and threw it down a storm drain. He didn't say anything. He just dropped to the sidewalk and starred into the sewer, his fat ass pointing up into the air. We left because it got too weird, but I could see him from back in my house. He was still lying there, looking into the sewer all evening. It was really pathetic to watch, you almost felt sorry for him. I guess that comic book meant a lot to him or whatever. I called his parents after dinner to come and get him. The picked him up three hours after I called.

Year later, I was working at Miramax and in the meeting with Kevin after we bought Clerks. He saw me and instantly recognized me even after all those years. He froze up just like a dear in he headlights. Then he pooped his pants. It was funny as hell.

Grace Smith: Kevin also liked the Star Wars movies. He collected all the action figures. We had to take away his Princess Leia toy, though. He got a bit too personal with it and...I think I've said too much about that.

Jennifer Smith (Kevin's wife): Kevin and I met when I interviewed him for USA Today around the time after Clerks came out. It was a pretty awkward interview in the sense that it seemed like he wasn't really used to having a woman talk to him. Since this was an interview, I was asking all these questions about him, which he apparently took as me being interested in him sexually. Right when I was done with the questions, he just blurted out "Will you marry me?" He didn't have a ring, this was very spur of the moment. I saw him sitting there, sweating horribly while he waited for me to say something. I also saw a little urine spot on his pants. I did my research on this guy before the interview, so I knew he had a lot of money, so I said yes. I was able to quit my job. USA Today blows.

We sleep in separate beds.