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Your Guide to the Heroes of House

Character's Name /

My Name for Him/Her

Notes
House Hero

Gregory House

House

House is the head of Diagnostic Medicine for whatever the name of the hospital is in which the show takes place. I'll just call it House Hospital. He leads a team of doctors who handle patients with unusual and baffling illnesses that other hospitals have failed to diagnosis. Using his super doctor brain, his team will eventually discover what is wrong with the patient. But first the House Heroes go through a series of misdiagnosis with unneeded medication and experimental surgeries that almost kill the patient. All in a day's work at House Hospital.

Dr. House is a curmudgeon. He hates people and people hate him. Since being a doctor involves dealing with people all day, you'd think he'd want to try a different profession, but he is a medical genius. Someone will come to him for help because they are coughing up purple blood and passing out when they stand up. House will order the patient to undergo a triple bypass surgery. Several other House Heroes will argue that is unnecessary surgery and if they carry it out the patient could die. House will argue that if they do not carry it out, the patient will die. Then, he will throw things from his desk as the other doctors, winning the argument. Three unnecessary surgeries later, House will suddenly narrow down the patient's condition to the fact that the patient always scratches his ass and then licks his fingers. Turns out, some parasites that live in his poop had gotten into his lungs that way, causing the befuddling medical condition. The patient is put on antibiotics and told to wash his hands once in awhile

Dr. House is also a cripple. Some muscles in his leg had to be removed ten years prior to the start of the show to save his life. This has left House in constant pain and requires him to use a cane. The chronic pain in his leg should explain House's attitude, however people that knew him before the operation say he was an asshole back then too.

House Hero

Lisa Cuddy

House Boss

House Boss is the head of House Hospital. As such, she is House's boss, but is never capable of getting him to do anything she says. That House is a true maverick. This is a problem for House boss, because she's the one who is going to get into the most trouble when ever House's constant breaking and enterings and disregard for medial ethics catch up with him.

There is a bit of romantic tension between House and House Boss. But because House hates women, the tension involves him calling her a whore once an episode.

House Hero

James Wilson

House Pal

House Pal is House's only friend. Other people are cordial to House only because they fear him. House won't hesitate to fire you, even if you work in another department and are outside his authority. Also, House is grumpy and you never know if he'll hit you with his cane.

But House Pal really is House's friend. They go bowling together sometimes. Also, they talk about their women problems. Usually Wilson's women, House doesn't ever date. House's women problems are that he hates women and consequently has to masturbate a lot. I'm sure he does it in his office, without closing the doors, even though his office opens into a busy hallway. House has the manners of a chimpanzee in the zoo. Look forward to the upcoming episode where House get so mad at Hindu House he hits him with his poo.

House Pal has stuck up for House on many occasions. Once, when the Board of Directors at House Hospital considered dismissing House, House Pal was the sole member to defend House. He really is the only human who likes House as a person. Even the people whose lives House has saved still think he's an ass.

House Pal has been divorced three times. He finally found love in the form of House Lady, which led him and House to realize what House Pal really wanted was to have sex with House. Don't we all? To know House is to love House.

House Hero

Eric Foreman

Black House

Every super cool white guy needs an equally cool black version of himself, Frank Sinatra had Sammy Davis Junior, Eric Clapton had Jimi Hendrix, Larry Bird has Magic Johnson, Katie Couric has Byrant Gumball and Dr. House has Dr. Black House. Black House has pretty much the same attitude and personality as House, he is arrogant and hates to be wrong and hates the people around him, both co-workers and patients. He didn't start out this way, but being around House too much will turn one into House.

Black House resigned from House Hospital to avoid becoming House. However, no one can escape the force of House. Black House took a similar job at another hospital, where he found himself acting just like House, including breaking the rules in order to save a patient's life. For that, his new hospital fired him. I think that's a big reason so many patients want to be treated by House, apparently other hospitals are just fine letting the patient die instead of bending regulations. Because Black House had the mark of House upon him, he was not able to find another job.

So Black House was rehired as a member of House's team, where he is now Housey-er than ever. I think Black House's ultimate goal is to depose House and take over his position. Black House views being House as being Sith Lord and himself in the role of the Sith Apprentice. He is just looking for the right time to kill House and take his title. But he also looks at the other House Heroes as up and coming Sith Apprentices themselves, who need to be killed before they kill him.

House Hero

Allison Cameron

Hot House Girl

Hot House Girl was hired by House because she is good looking. House said any woman that sexy would have had an easier life by using her looks to go into a profession less demanding than medicine. House just wants her around to sexually harass, since he can get away with it at his hospital due to the fact that the rules do not apply to him; he has made use of the women's restroom more than once and he often surfs for internet pornography while having meetings with his staff.

After three years of working for House and having him oogle her ass and drop quarters into her cleavage, she quit his team, but took a different position at the same hospital. She also dyed her hair blonde, which just makes her look silly.

House Hero

Robert Chase

Hot House Boy

Hot House Boy was the third member of the original House Heroes. He was the most loyal of the House Heroes, often following House's orders without question, while Black House and Hot House Girl would often argue that whatever procedure House had planed would potentially kill the patient. For his dedicated loyalty, House fired him at the end of the third season.
House Hero

Chris Taub

Bald House

Bald House is part of the new team of House Heroes hired in the fourth season, along with Hindu House and Mystery House. He is a former plastic surgeon who was forced to quit his practice after having an affair with a nurse. As he has only been on the show for one season, we don't know much about him. His most memorable action occurred in the episode where the House Heroes were trying to diagnosis a NASA astronaut who needed her treatment to be kept secret from NASA or else she would be banned from outer space. Bald House proposed giving her a boob job for cover. I imagine now that Bald House is a House Hero, he will give patients boob jobs many times in future seasons. That's why he gets to work with Dr. House.
House Hero

Lawrence Kutner

Hindu House

Hindu House was one of the first applicants in season 4 to be fired by House. However, Hindu House refused to leave, no matter how many times House fired him. House eventually came to respect his moxie and hired him as one of the new House Heroes. House admired him for the time he recommenced getting a patient drunk to test her liver. While new to the House team, he has only managed to almost kill himself about twice now.

On a side note, it turns out the actor who plays Hindu House also played the Indian guy in Harold and Kumar. That's good, because there are not many parts in Hollywood for Indians, and we can't afford to have two actors fighting each other for the small number of roles. Maybe if this guy could sing and dance while dressed as a pirate in front of a large portrait of the Eiffel Tower he could get more work, but I'm sure he's happy where he is.

House Hero

"Thirteen"

Mystery House

No one knows the real name of this doctor, who only goes by "Thirteen" the number she was assigned while trying out to be a House Hero. The other doctors should probably just ask payroll, she would have had to provide proof of identity when filling out tax forms.

Since joining the House Heroes, Thirteen has taken the coveted role of House' new eye candy. House Boss was the one that pressured House to add her. If House has to deal with another woman at work, it means he'll have to split his sexual harassment between the two, giving House Boss A LOT more free time.

House Hero

Amber Volakis

House Lady

House Lady is the lady version of House, she is a doctor and is mean to everybody. Also, the only person who likes her is House Pal. She was one of the candidates who tried out for a position on House's team in season 4, but House rejected her because she was a bitch. That's ironic since House himself is the male equivalent of a bitch--not in the sense that he is weak when it's applied to men, but I mean that House is an asshole. Later, House Lady began dating House Pal, because House Pal can only be in love with someone who is like House.

House Lady died in the end of the fourth season, after picking up House from a bar because House is a lonely George Thorogood drunk. House Pal will probably blame House for the death of his House Love, leading to much friction in House Hospital next year.

Some of the above information may not be accurate. I enjoy House, but I've only seen five episodes of the previous season. I tried to catch up with the season by watching episodes on Hulu, but they only have a four episodes online. Shows like Arrested Development, 30 Rock, Buffy, and for some reason The Pretender, all have lots of episodes available, but there is slim pickings if you want to watch House. I find this odd, because Hulu is owned by NBC and Fox, while House is produced by NBC and airs on Fox. So it seems like there wouldn't be any problem in securing the rights to put more episodes online, unless NBC and Fox just want us to go fuck ourselves, which they most certainly do.