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Why Are All The Men Naked?

Questions Need To Be Answered

Females in Sonic the Hedgehog wear clothes. Males do not. Why? Why is there this fundamental difference? If males do not have visible genitalia then logic dictates females wouldn't either. After all, in real life do penises not stick out farther then vaginas? Sure there are boobs but those should be fine as long as hair covers the nipples. Most of the females in Sonic the Hedgehog are too young to have boobs anyways. Why, why are the males naked and the females clothed?

Sonic, he is full of ‘tude.' He is also fully nude, except for the shoes of course. But shoes no matter how oddly big are not sufficient covering. They may be required to get into McDonalds but if he were to take a stroll outside of the elementary school then the only thing fast about him would be the speed he is sent to jail! Also his running ability.

Tails is more then willing to pilot a jet fighter into combat, but wearing clothes just don't fly. Shouldn't he be wearing some sort of flight suit? I imagine people who fly jets have some sort of reason for wearing them. Flight suits seem really bulky and uncomfortable. I imagine they would rather lounge about in the cock pit in short shorts and a tank top. Flight suits must be worn for some sort of safety purposes. Tails is putting his life in danger just so that he can let it all air out.

Knuckles is all defiant in his nudeness. He's like “Yeah I'm naked, what are you going to do about it. There's nothing we can do about it because his fists are really big and have spikes on them and if he punches you then its LIGHTS OUT!!!

Then Knuckles is like “What if I put on this cowboy hat would that make it better? No Knuckles. It only makes things worse. Wearing only a cowboy hat is actually lewder then not wearing anything.

I don't even know who this fucker is other than he continues the nakedness trend. I'm guessing somebody at Sega just got around to playing Final Fantasy 7 and thought Sephiroth was totally boss. You know what the major difference between Sephiroth and Silver is? Sephiroth had some fucking decency and wore trousers.

Hey Shadow, I would not recommend driving a motorcycle without any clothes on. It just seems like a sensible thing to do. Most people actually put on extra clothes when riding a motorcycle, like a leather jacket or assless chaps. All that wind whipping around your private areas, not to mention pebbles and bugs hitting you, has gots to be uncomfortable.

So we have established all the men are naked. Well I didn't cover Bigs, but he is retarded and I hate him so he shalt not be mentioned in this article. Also there are probably a bunch of male characters I'm ignoring because they were in some lame Sonic game I never bothered to play so I'm not actually aware of their existence. I'm sure it doesn't matter, they are probably naked as well.

Thus we turn onto part two of the equation, why are the women clothed? One hypothesis could be that by wearing dresses we establish female characters as being female. After all there was all that controversy about whether or not Tails was a man or not. Remember that? No, probably not. What happened was that some people thought Tails was a lady because he always followed Sonic around and that is the sort of thing a lady might do. Also he looks a bit femmy. Not that you can't look femmy and still be bad ass. Look at Shawn Michaels. He has long hair, wears glittery tights, and calls himself a “boy toy” but if you mess with him he will super kick you straight in the teeth! So I don't want any of you out there making fun of Tails because people sometimes think he is a chick.

You might be thinking “Well surely if a man chose to wear clothes it shouldn't be too hard to figure out if it is a dude or not” and this is fine as long as all the women wear desses. Only women can wear dresses. Men cannot. That's the law. Problems arise when female characters start wearing gender neutral clothing such as pants or biking shorts. Men wear pants and biking shorts all the time. My former roommate especially enjoyed biking shorts and as the biking shorts willingly showed he was all man! I can show that if we go into things without knowing right off the bat that all men are naked then things are going to be confusing.

What am I suppose to think here? Marine could be a girl or she could very much be a feminine man. She has bike shorts on but those things aren't called banana hammocks because girls wear them. She don't gots no boobs, and I'm not entirely sure if those are pigtails coming out of the back of her head or what. They seem too solid to be hair. They could be some kind of spoilers in case she takes flight or something. A lot of people in Sonic the Hedgehog games fly even if they don't appear to have any actual way of flying so maybe they are required for said flight. The eyelashes are a bit of a give away, but Nermal had eyelashes and he was a dude. Eyelashes alone do not a female make!

Now this is completely off topic but I'm sick and tired of Sonic the Hedgehog characters pointing their pelvises at me. Like every god damn picture of a Sonic character produced by Sega has them doing it.

I specifically tried to avoid pelvic thrusts when stealing pictures for this article but it was simply an impossible task. It was a bad enough concession with the Knuckles pic were he has a slight pelvic thrust but Marine is going all out here. Unfortunately I have no choice but to feature this picture. As far as I can tell there is one official Sega picture of Marine and in it she he thrusting out her midsection like its national “Shwing” day and she is trying to win the Wayne and Garth “Most Enthusiastic Shwing” of the year award. There was one other picture of Marine I considered using but it came from Deviant Art and like all pictures on Deviant Art they added boobs to it. She is fucking seven years old people. Don't give her boobs, even if they are tiny. Seven year olds are flat. Almost as flat as your girlfriend! Oh yeah, burn.

So where was I, oh yeah, boobs. Marine ain't got nones. The only way we can tell she is a she is that she is wearing clothes. Its kind of a bizarre line of thought to me that she is clothed while older male characters are not Don't think I'm asking Sega to make Marine take it off, I'm just saying a naked seven year old of any sex tends to be less offensive then a naked 16 year old male. With little kids nudity is innocent but with teenagers it is perverse and if the internet tells me the truth is often a prelude to pillow fights and oil wrestling.

Amy doesn't have boobs either. The only thing telling me she is a girl is the dress, but what if she did not wear a dress?

Damn you Sonic Riders!!! You put Amy in pants!!! What now man, what now. Is she a lady or a man? Oh sure she's pink and wearing a girly tank top but gay people dress like that all the time! Have you ever been to a gay club? I haven't but I assume that a lot of them wear that outfit.

Come to think of it Rogue the Bat is like the only female Sonic character who actually has tits. She also is the laziest designed character. They didn't even bother trying to make her look like a bat. Her head looks exactly the same as the heads they use for the hedgehog characters. They just threw some wings on a hedgehog and called it a day. They didn't bother painting her body to match her head. Maybe Sonic Team spend so much time drawing the boobs that they couldn't finish the inking. That's probably it, lazy Japanese perverts. That must be why so many characters are breastless. By the time the artist finishes the creepy cleavage there isn't enough time for anything else!

Looking back at this article I have no idea what I was trying to accomplish. I didn't bring up any solutions or points that made sense. All it has going for itself is one interesting observation: Men naked, woman not naked. Why are the men naked, I cannot say for sure. I gave some reasons but who can really know what goes on in the minds of people who draw a bunch of naked teenage boys. Can we end the naked men? No we cannot. The men are naked and must remain naked. It is a fact of life. Like a comet the naked men can't be stopped. We cannot control them. We barely can keep them from pelvis thrusting and making us look at their crotch. Maybe that is all we can do. Look at their naked man crotch and dream. Dream of a world where we don't have to look at Knuckles crotch, even if it is a nice crotch. A very nice crotch.

Wait what am I saying. Oh no, they did it. Damn you Sonic the hedgehog! All these naked men. I am now a gay! Damn you all! Damn you all to hell!

Well, I'm heading down to the bath house. Don't wait up.

Just a second here, is this what they were going for? Did Sega want to make all the men gay? That must be it!

No wait that idea is stupid. I'm not even really gay. I just pretended to be gay for the laughs. It didn't work. Okay I'm ending the article now.