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The Day I Went Fishing

One day I was fishing up by old Pike's Lake. My probation officer has a little cabin there and sometimes he'll let me head over there to mow his lawn and clean in exchange for not reporting me when I fail a urine test. When I have extra time after my chores, I like to fish off his dock. I usually don't catch much because I am bad at fishing. I shouldn't catch anything anyway since I don't have a license and the mercury runoff from the waste processing factory down the road means none of the fish in the lake are safe to eat.

But on this particular day, I felt a tug at my line. Sure enough, I had reeled in a fish, a big blue fish. But not just any fish, a talking fish! I knew it was a talking fish because it talked to me.

"Please sir," the fish said. "I am a magic fish. If you return me to the water, I will grant you three wishes."

Wowza! This was an offer I could not refuse. Here was a chance to make all my dreams come true. What would I wish for: riches, power, women, a way to no longer wet the bed?

I never got a chance. Once I set the fish back in the water, it swam away without granting my wishes.

I yelled out, "Hey fish, what about my three wishes?"

"Fuck you sucker," said the fish, "I am out of here. Smell ya later, loser!"

Plus, the fish totally snatched my wallet.

I stood there on the dock, shaking my fist as the fish faded from view.

Let this be a lesson to all. If you are out fishing and catch a talking fish that offers to grant you wishes in exchange for returning it to the water, don't believe it. It's a dirty liar. You won't get any wishes. Kill that bastard fish right then and there.