For the Love of Sasquatch
There is a thrift store on the same street as my apartment. It is a small store and I occasionally go there to buy ten cent VHS tapes for my neighbor. He doesn't have a DVD player or cable, just a VCR. So that he isn't watching a tape of Horse Whisperer eleven times a week, I get him cheap VHS tapes from the store when I can. The thrift store also has a book section. None of them are good books, but I bought a couple the first time I was there and now every time I go back, the volunteers who run the store try to get me to buy more books. The deal is you can get ten used books for a dollar and they said if that wasn't good enough of a deal, they'll make me a better offer. Since I don't want to negotiate with a thrift store as if I was at a car dealership, I'll just try to quickly grab ten books that aren't romance or religious or self help guides from the 80s (which 90% of the books they have are) and be done with it. It's hard too. Last time I had to get the novelization of Star Wars. I also picked up a collection of Orson Scott Card short stories. Orson Scott Card is a science fiction writer and he sucks. I could not get through that book, it was one of the worst thing I've ever tried to read. I don't like science fiction in general, so maybe that has something to do with it, but Card is a shitty writer, so maybe that has something to do with it as well. Every fucking story (of the 2.5 that I could get through) had the same plot: some guy tries to rebel against the system in a fascist future world. Yeah, I liked that better when it was called Nineteen Eighty-Four and it was original. Also, in the introduction to the book, he wrote about he was the best playwright in all of Utah while in college, but all his professors were too much of assholes to realize his greatness. Orson Scott Card is really trying to overcompensate for his tiny penis.I'm not into sci-fi books anyway. Besides only seeming to use three plots, every sci-fi writer since the 1950's feels the need to go out of his way to mention how TV is destroying mankind. I don't care for the hate sci-fi writers have for television when you consider that the greatest science fiction piece of all was a little TV show called Futurama. Futurama is especially awesome because it has robots. I am sick of all the times people have created so called sci-fi and not included robots. It's not like you even need to make the robot a central part of the story (but it's recommenced you do). I'd be fine the story just mentioned robots off hand like:
He walked down the street, a lone man bucking a fascist system by getting some fresh air when you were supposed to be inside watching the mass produced programs on television On his walk he passed by a robot. The robot nodded at the lone man and gave him a thumbs up.
But other than Futurama, sci-fi on TV is so very very lame. Sci-Fi Channel is a horrible channel. That month they showed Firefly was a good month, and it allowed me to catch several episode for the first time because I am too cheap to buy the DVD. But since there aren't many episodes of Firefly and the show only has 13 fans, so the channel couldn't keep rerunning it for very long. Firefly doesn't have robots, but it does have a hooker and Adam Baldwin, which makes up for it. I don;t know, I have a theory that Zoe and the Shepherd were robots, because I would think that if humanity were to leave Earth after we used up all its resources and had to find a new star system to live in, I'd bet we'd leave black people behind. While the spaceships are being loaded up with whites and Asians, the black people would be sitting around asking when they were going to be allowed on one. Some white dude would explain that "Oh yeah...um...you mean there are no black people on any of the spaceships yet? Well, I guess we'll have to build some more. Ok, I'm going to get onto my spaceship now. If you see it take off, that' just a test run and we'll be right back."
The saving grace of Sci-Fi channel is a show called Scare Tactics because it is hosted by Tracy Morgan. Scare Tactics is a reality show where unsuspecting people are set up in situation where they think they are under attack from monsters or ghosts or aliens or some such . Scare Tactics is usually a lame show, but I applaud bring Tracy Morgan onboard. For some reason, hosts on that show only last one season. The previous hosts were that girl from Charmed and a guy named Baldwin who isn't Adam so fuck him. They both played the host role in a serious way which is unbecoming and looks out of place on such a corny show. Tracy Morgan, however, plays host as a loud black guy, just like every other role he has played and makes fun of the people getting pranked. This fits the show perfectly.
With Tracy Morgan on board I sat down to watch a recent episode in which two women were set up by their friends to go on a camping trip where they were attacked by a Bigfoot. Of course it was just a man in a Bigfoot costume as he lacked all the grace, beauty, and sexual mystique of a real Bigfoot; an obvious fake. But the two women were sacred to death. They actually thought a Bigfoot would hurt them. That's absurd. Any idiot knows that the Bigfoot (the proper term is Sasquatch) are a peaceful race. They live in harmony with nature and practice neither war nor aggression.
That episode pissed me off. It was just more anti-Sasquatch propaganda meant to give the American people a fearful view of this majestic and loving species. I hate this. Why the hell would a Sasquatch even attack a bunch of campers? Sasquatch aren't like that. If you are out camping and you by chance see a Sasquatch, it probably thinks your party needs help. Maybe you're having trouble getting a campfire started or your camper broke down. The Sasquatch is only there to render assistance. Every Sasquatch has excellent mechanical skills, and can repair a car engine with simple tools made of wood and stone. The big reason the Sasquatch choose to remain hidden from mankind is because every time humans encounter Sasquatch we react with fear or violence. Sure an occasional Sasquatch would like to introduce itself to a human out in the woods, but when that human always reacts by either running away or firing a shotgun, it just isn't safe. Sasquatch = Peace.
And mankind is worse off for it. The Sasquatch are an enlightened species. They have knowledge and wisdom far beyond what we as humans possess. Is it any coincidence that peaceful religions such as Buddhism and Native American faiths originated in areas high in Sasquatch concentration? No, it is not a coincidence, Buddha came up with his entire philosophy after living with the Yeti of the Himalayas. It's right there in the Buddha Bible.
For the interest of our readers, I have drawn this handy comic strip, which shows how Johnny and I (and hence you) should react to meeting Sasquatch.
