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Weezer's Newest Album Reviewed

Cover and Name

Weezer has decided to once again go with the tradition of not naming their album and instead identifying it by color. This stopped being cute around the time that they started naming their albums. Come on Weezer, you can be more creative. If you need help naming your next album let me give you a hand. Remember, there is no album titled Death But from Space and even if there was people would be cool if you used it too.

The cover art consists of the members of the band standing in front of a red background. Rivers is dressed like a cowboy. This is because he is a douchebag.

Troublemaker 3/10

This by the numbers Weezer song showcases Rivers' patented lyrical talent right away with his rhyming of school with fool within the first ten seconds. Think of the great album openers in the history of rock, "Welcome to the Jungle", "Smells like Teen Spirit", "Back in the USSR", "My Name is Jonas". Now please notice that none of them rhyme school with fool. Not even the Nirvana song. That's because you don't want the first thing people hearing on your albums is elementary grade couplets. We're just lucky Rivers doesn't mention his cat that wears a hat and is fat.

"Troublemaker" then goes on to explain how Rivers was lame in high school but not really lame, people just thought he was lame because they didn't give him a chance. For example they wouldn't let him play football but if they had he says he would have sacked the quarterback. I'm not sure but I think after this line he sings very quietly "If we're playing Tecmo Super Bowl." Even then I doubt he would do very well.

Then the song, like half of the songs on this album, goes on to be about Rivers being a rock musician and how everybody thinks he is the bomb. This is because Rivers has a very inflated sense of how popular he is.

I have to give Rivers credit for having lyrics in the song about playing heavy metal until people are killed. That's awesome. This coolness is counteracted by the rhyming of job with slob and then Bob. Only George Thoroughgood is allowed to get away with rhyming job with slob and Bob.

The impression I get with this song is that Rivers needed to write something quickly and couldn't find his rhyming dictionary. I mean come on, he even says he will party like its 1999. That is so lame. According to Wikipedia, Rivers Cuomo was inspired by Eminem when he wrote this song. I don't know who should be more embarrassed by the connection, Rivers or Eminem.

The Greatest Man that Ever Lived (Variations on a Shaker Hymn) 0/10

Holy shit. This song makes the last one look like the god damn collected works of Shakespear.

"You try to play cool like you just don't care/ but soon I'll be playing in your underwear"

Fuck you Rivers Cuomo. Fuck you and this song and your stupid hat and your stupid voice modulated Youtube videos. What is that? Why are you singing about underwear? I sang about underwear when I was like nine, and you know what? My song was better because I rhymed underwear with Smokey the Bear. You just rhymed shit with shit. (figuratively)

You know what, I am listening to this song and at this point you are at rapping to a Shaker hymn while police sirens wail in the background. What is that? What exactly where you injecting when you thought that was pleasing? Am I supposed to take this seriously? Is this song really some sort of joke? Like a Spinal Tap song gone horribly horribly wrong? Are you off in your ivory tower laughing at the people who believe you when you claim you think this is the best song ever? Why the hell are you rapping? Why! Even if you wanted to rap, which you should never do, why are you rapping to a Shaker hymn? While police sirens wail in the background?!! I cannot even comprehend the thought process that must exist that would make anybody think this is a good idea. Where the hell was Brian Bell when this was going on? Why didn't he, or anybody else for that matter, tell you how horrible of an idea that is? I don't even know what to think anymore. Jesus Christ, rapping to a Shaker hymn while god damn police sirens wail in the background. Fuck.

When the rapping ends it doesn't get a whole lot better. Well it improves of course because it is ANYTHING BUT RIVERS CUOMO RAPPING TO A SHAKER HYMN WHILE POLICE SIRENS WAIL IN THE BACKGROUND!!! What we get is Rivers singing about how awesome he is while the music resembles a rock version of a Shaker hymn, which transitions into an acoustic variation on the hymn with Rivers singing stuff that really makes no sense. Then Rivers says "Forget variations" and the song is literally a chores singing a Shaker hymn with different nonsensical lyrics. I know the band claims they didn't know about a Shaker hymn before writing this song, but you know what, unless you're George Harrison you just don't go and write a song that sounds exactly like a different song without having heard that first song first.

The song proceeds through Rivers singing falsetto, another rock version of a Shaker hymn, what I'm fairly certain is the theme song to a British cartoon about claymation boats, an epic build up, and finally Rivers Cuomo talking. Rivers Cuomo fucking talking. Has a song where somebody starts talking ever been good?

At one point he says "the bodies be all up on my behind." You know what, fuck it. Fuck Rivers Cuomo, fuck Weezer, fuck music all together. That single line has ruined music for me, because no matter what I am listening to, it could be Jethro Tull, Mozart, Nickel Creek, anything, no matter what I listen to there is going to be a slight chance that it will remind of the line "the bodies be all up on my behind" and it will utterly destroy any joy I may have experienced. Its hard to think of arguments in favor of suicide, but I can now think of ten very easily.

Seriously, fuck you Rivers Cuomo, you destroyed music forever.

Rapping to a Shaker hymn while god damn police sirens wail in the background.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Pork and Beans 6/10

This is very much a Weezer song. Weezer has a distinct style which they can never escape. Even when they try a different sound it just ends up sounding like a Weezer song. Remember when Rivers Cuomo wrote the song Stupid Girl for Cold? Probably not because who the hell is Cold but my point is that all Weezer songs contain a quality that I am officially denoting the with the term Weezerish.

The best songs by Weezer are the ones where they try to not sound like Weezer. The songs where they do try to sound like Weezer get too Weezerish and are annoying. "Pork and Beans" despite having a high scale of Weezerishnism fits into the 50% of Weezerish songs that are actually good. It's catchy and not obnoxious. I can see why they chose it to be a single. Its fairly disposable, the lyrics have no deep meaning and you will completely forget about it if it isn't stuck in your head, but you know what? It's a better Weezerish single than "Keep Fishing".

Heart Songs 7/10

This is an example of a Weezer song where Weezer try to not sound like Weezer and it works for them. The theme is very unWeezerish as it is not about Rivers not being loved or about Rivers being a super rock megastar. It is infact about Rivers' heart songs. A heart song is the kind of song that touches you in that special place not between your legs but in your chest. it's the sort of song you play when its 3:30 in the morning, your drunk, and you need something great to keep your spirits in the blue.

At least the song starts out about those songs. Rivers starts mentions Quiet Riot and Fresh Price about half way through which makes me think he ran out of good bands he likes before he ran out of music to sing to.

Rivers mentions the first time he listened to Nevermind and how "Smells Like Teen Spirit" inspired him to start a band. I call bullshit. You'll never get a Nirvana fan to admit to liking "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Real Nirvana fans would claim it was something off of In Utero or Unplugged that inspired them, maybe Bleach. Never Incesticide for some reason. Nirvana fans simply can't admit to liking Nirvana's most commercial venture, or at least liking it more then other Nirvana works. They all have to be hardcore anti establishmentarianisists like that.

You know what more songs need? Sleigh bells. I appreciate the sleigh bells Rivers.

Everybody Get Dangerous 8/10

This song is the boss. It sounds like at any second Buckethead might come flying into the room on a zip line and start playing Jordan. I dig the dance beat and I think this is the only rock song ever to feature somebody scratching on a record that wasn't embarrassing.

Remember how Maladroit was suppose to be Weezer doing heavy metal, except it ended up being just like all Weezer albums except the first song featured some really driving guitars? Well Maladroit should have been this song. This song rocks hardcore. Even the part at the end where it starts to sound like It Takes Two is awesome.

Somebody needs to tell Rivers that this song is way more epic than "Greatest Man that Ever Lived". That queen Scott Shriner says that song is awesome because it has ten variations on the same theme. Well this song has like five parts to it, is two minutes shorter, and doesn't suck balls.

"Everybody Get Dangerous" also reveals that Rivers Cuomo's idea of kids getting in trouble includes cow tipping and cutting shit apart with ninja swords. Rivers Cuomo must have had the greatest childhood ever.

Dreamin' 7/10

Dreamin' starts out with synthesizers. Synthesizers make anything better. More synthesizers should have been used. Aside from synths its so Weezerish that *yawn* I think I might start dreaming here. I have after all basically heard this song on like fiver other albums.

Well luckily Rivers actually does something right for once and about half way through he breaks up the snooze fest with a super mellow stoned out section about hanging out in a park observing the nature that surrounds. I have to give Rivers about 200 singer songwriter points for working the word gosling into a rock song. Part way through this slow section the guitars start to sound like they are going to go back to the first section before dropping off to the mellow section again. The effect is somewhat like somebody waking up and instead deciding to hit the snooze alarm.

The song then builds up to a slower version of the first section of the song, kind of like a person slowly waking up naturally. We get a little bit resembling Green Day covering Weezer where Rivers singing that he does not want to get with the program and then the song ends. It goes from boring and generic to being an entertaining ride. If the beginning was more entertaining then this could easily become a heart song.

Also this song reminds me of Snoozer from Hamtaro.

I Thought I Knew 8/10

This song is good. It also doesn't sound anything like a Weezer song. It sounds kind of like a John Frusiante solo song (Not Niandra Lades and Usually Just a T-Shirt, his good stuff) combined with Sublime, although I don't really listen to Sublime other then when my former roommate would pick the music for parties, so maybe it is nothing like Sublime. I don't know. What it is, however, is a fairly stripped down song with solid noodling on a guitar rift with neat little electronic stuff thrown in.

"I Thought I Knew" was written by Brian Bell. Rivers let the other members of Weezer do stuff on this album. Either Rivers has become less egotistical, which is probably not true since all his songs are about how awesome he is, or Rivers was too bust drinking Robitussin in the Walgreens parking lot with 15 year old girls to write ten songs.

So I guess I was wrong when I said earlier that all Weezer songs sound alike. All Rivers Cuomo songs sound alike. The other members of the band are in fact creative.

Cold Dark World 6/10

Scott Shriner gets to sing this song. Guess what, Weezer is now The Beatles. Next up Patrick Wilson sings a baritone song written while Rivers was tripping on shrooms.

This song is odd because while the music is different from the usual Weezer fare the lyrics follow a pattern that sounds almost like they were lifted from a poppier Weezer song and then inserted into here and slowed down. It's kind of neat actually although I have to wonder if completely eschewing the Weezerish sound would have sounder more natural. The song is also about a minute longer then it should be. By the end I find myself getting bored. I kind of stop paying attention to the music and end up thinking about The Dark Knight. That movie was really good. I wonder if Mr. Freeze will be in the sequel. It would be ice if Christopher Nolan didn't give this character the cold shoulder.

Automatic 5/10

You thought I was joking about the Patrick Wilson comment didn't you? Well I wasn't. Here he is, singer and song writer. It doesn't sound Weezerish too much but it is generic in a whole new way for the band. You know that one song, it's a hard rock song from the 90s, not really grunge but from that era. You can never remember who its by and its not all that great but you don't change the station when it comes on the radio because its still probably better then whatever else is on, but you aren't really sold on it and don't mind too much when it ends because maybe something that you like more will come on. Yeah that's this song as far as I can tell. Also the song has no end. It just stops abruptly like somebody bumped the recoding machine by accident and it shut off.

The Angel and the One 5/10

Rivers comes back from taking a dump or wherever he was while the last three songs were recorded and he isn't one to not disappoint. Rivers wants this song to be "Under the Bridge" oh so bad. Too bad Rivers can't express any emotion. Seriously, he could be singing about watching his grandmother being raped to death and he would do it with the same amount of sadness in his voice as when he is singing about getting turned down by yet another girl.

Luckily about two minutes in Rivers realizes this and he decides to abandon ship, the sadness ship, and it starts to get a little more upbeat. I can't understand anything he sings, except something possibly about a purple mattress. The hell?

Unfortunately the music gets stuck on this point and the song which is suppose to be building up from sadness to joy like a mountain just sort of loses momentum and plateaus. This might not be bad if there wasn't still two minutes left to go. At about five minutes there is absolutely nothing left. Its like a 17 year old dog that is blind and incontinent. Rivers should have put it to sleep. Instead it just keeps on petering on. Then there is fake audience applause.

First of all Rivers you already did this on "The Greatest Man that Ever Lived". Fake audience applause isn't the kind of thing you can do twice on an album. Its not the kind of thing you should do once on an album. Fake audience clapping for no reason is stupid. This is not Sergeant Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. You are not a drugged up Paul McCartney pretending to be part of another band for no coherent reason. I don't see George Martin listed in the linear notes anywhere. That means lay off random noises in the music. This goes for all of you musicians out there. Random noises in music is only cool when you do it while on acid. I can tell which ones of you are tripping and which ones are faking. Either stop faking it or get some drugs.

Bonus Songs

I don't why these are the bonus songs. They're all like better then half of the regular songs

Miss Sweeney 8/10

"Miss Sweeney" is a very Weezerish songs. Musically it contains many of the aspects that make you go "Hey, this has to be a Weezer song because Rivers Cuomo possesses no variety." Its also a love song and until Make Believe Weezer were only allowed to sing about love. Now they can sing about either love or how awesome Rivers Cuomo is. This song is almost a throwback to their earlier days because no where is their even the slightest hint of how much of a self centered dickhead Rivers Cuomo has become.

Subject wise "Miss Sweeney"is very capsulated compared to most Weezer songs. Many Weezer songs aim to portray a relationship from the rocky beginning all the way to the end were Rivers is dumped."Miss Sweeney" captures a brief moment where a businessman lets out that he wants to bone his secretary, or maybe she is a fellow businessman. I don't know they don't mention titles. I like the song because I think it does a good job of conveying the emotion of talking to somebody who you have a crush on and how good it would feel to be able to express your emotions for them. Take note Rivers, Weezer needs to be less epic, not more. Stick to singing about little emotional moments, not rapping about how girls want to have sex with you, (because they don't.)

Pig 10/10

This is my favorite Weezer song ever. I can't defend it, there's nothing super special awesome musically about Pig, I just enjoy it. Ever since I first heard the demo that leaked on to the internet I was pumped about this song. When Rivers released his album, My Pretentious Solo Work Nobody Wants to Hear and a Couple of Songs from Songs from the Black Hole, I was disappointed that "Pig" wasn't on there. Then I bought The Red Album on vinyl from Hot Topic (Why the hell do they sell vinyl at Hot Topic?) I was disappointed again because "Pig" wasn't included. Well guess what, that's because the record doesn't have the bonus songs. I stole my brothers copy of The Red Album I was delighted to see that the happy little demo I had once loved had grown up into an honest to goodness album release.

What can I say, I like story songs, also pigs. They're cute and taste good. This is the kind of song Richard Adams would write if he decided to became a musician instead of going insane and writing a book about Richard E Lee's horse. Seriously, what insights can the horse bring? Adams is English anyways, what does he know about The Civil War? Why not a book about the Earl of Richmond's horse in the War of the Roses or one of the five million other wars the English were part of.

Musically everything in "Pig" works well together. The guitar has a memorable hook and you know what? The string arrangement compliments everything instead of sound pretentious like many string arrangements in music. Some rockers are all "Hey look at us, we added strings. That makes us sophisticated" but that's not true. I don't care that you were able to hire an orchestra Metallica, I know none of you know how to arrange sheet music. Not that Rivers knows how to arrange sheet music, but I don't care because this song is groovy beans. Its all like let's catch a cool groove and ride that thing all the way to the grotto sweet pea.

Wow, I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore. Let's just all move on.

Spider 8/10

This song is better at being "Under the Bridge" then "The Angel and the One" was. Its not actually as good as "Under the Bridge", nor is it really a rip off but I think it feels a lot closer in spirit, at least for a little while.

Rivers once again realizes he sucks at being sad and kind of goes off in the opposite direction, although here he only does it in the lyrics and the song remains mostly the same throughout the entire thing. I think this makes it better because it allows you to concentrate on the details in the music rather then reacting to the shift change. There's also a bunch of synthesizes at the end and synthesizers are bad ass. If I still made mixed cds I would definitely put this song at the end, it is a great album closer. Too bad nobody told Weezer that they should put their good album closers at the end of albums. They didn't even make it the closure among the bonus songs.

King 7/10

Rivers voice sound deeper on this song for some reason. Maybe he finally went through puberty. Its also possible he isn‘t singing this song either. I'm to lazy to go on Wikipedia to check. I'm just going to assume Rivers was a late bloomer.

This song is allright. It could probably be better. Its fairly catchy but I wish it was faster. Still I end up tapping my foot and bobbing my shoulder back and forth. There is a build up which I suppose would have less effect if the song started faster and would end up being less engaging so perhaps Weezer did something right. I bet Brian Bell was the one who decided the speed. Rivers probably wanted it to be three times as fast, also with rapping. Brian Bell distracted Rivers by claiming there was some Japanese porno in the men's room and took out all the gayness from the track while Rivers was off searching for smut.

Overall

I decided to figure out the average of all the songs and I got 6.2 and then a bunch more decimals that I don't feel like typing out. This score seems a bit harsh. I like the album enough to give it at least a 7.4. I think it was the car bombing known as, "The Greatest Man in the World" that ruined everything for all the rest of the songs that had the decency to not punch my ears in the balls. I could figure out the average without that song included but I don't feel like it. Do it yourself jerkwad.

So for those of you paying attention, I am officially not a Weezer fan. I have admitted to liking an album that came out after Pinkerton which is like the black mark among Weezer geeks. The Red Album won't get any positive recognition among Weezer fandom until Weezer's next album comes out and then they will say "At least The Red Album is better then that new trash." Weezer fans are a bunch of elitist butt holes.

And one more thing before I go, fuck you Rivers. Seriously, fuck you, I hope you die.