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Making Batman Villains Realistic

I saw The Dark Knight recently, after it had been out for a month. I don't go to the movies very often and when I do, I try to go in the afternoon because paying more than six dollars for a movie ticket is outrageous, I tell you, simply outrageous. It was a great movie. I literally only go see a movie about once a year, so if you only see one movie this year, as I do, The Dark Knight should be it. It was a cool experience for me because I was the only person in the theater when I saw it. So I am going to be able to tell people I once attended a private screening of The Dark Knight. That sounds much better than saying I went the movies by myself because I am a loser.

I know some people complain that the movie was too long, I say nuts to that. A long movie is a good value since you pay the same amount of money for a 90 minute movie as a two and a half hour one. That's also why I enjoy blaxploitation movies, none of which are less than five hours long. I only felt The Dark Knight was too long because I really needed to go the bathroom hallway through but didn't want to miss any of the movie. I suppose I could have asked the projectionist to pause the movie since I was the only viewer, but that would have messed up the timing for the hour of commercials the theater airs before each film. I like commercials before movies because it's not like I don't see enough commercials when I watch TV. Now I can pay money to sit though commercials. Plus it means the theater is really dark even before the movie starts which makes it hard to try to find a seat.

Getting back to the movie, I really like director Christopher Nolan's decision to move Batman further away from the camp of the 60's and craft a more serious and realistic Batman universe. Gone are the silly costumes, Robin, puns, and unrealistic techinology--um...just don't think too hard about that device from Batman Begins that vaporizes water but doesn't kill people by vaporizing the water in them...or the fact that there's a guy running around dressed as a bat in the first place. In keeping with this focus on a more realistic Batman universe, I have reworked several Batman villains in a way that will make them fit into a third movie.

Catwoman

Catwoman

Having Catwoman brought back to life via being licked by cats won't fly in Nolan's Batman Universe, though it would be adorable. I don't know if that is the origin of Catwoman in the comic books and I don't care. I don't read comic books and only possess superhero knowledge from either movies or Saturday morning cartoons, and that's how Catwoman came about in Batman Returns. To make her more realistic, she should just be a crazy old woman who lives alone except for her 45 cats. The Gotham City Social Services Department will try to remove the cats for health reasons, but Catwoman will always chase them away while wielding a rake and yelling gibberish. The city will have to call in the only man up for the job of removing the cats, Batman, leading to the big showdown. And a lot of cat scratches.

Clayface

Clayface

The whole idea where he can change his form into anything because he was poisoned by being forced to ingest too much makeup doesn't make a lot of sense in the Nolan Batman world. Actually, it didn't make a whole lot of sense in Batman: The Animated Series either. Clayface is an awesome villain, but even for a cartoon, I thought his whole origin was silly. Still, I want to see Clayface in the next movie. I suggest making him a guy who really likes Play-Doh. He'll rob banks while wearing a mask made out of Play-Doh. He'll also make some female masks for himself to use when he has sex, but we'll have to save those scenes for the unrated DVD release.

Bane and Killer Croc

They'll be two ex-wrestlers who were kicked out of the WWE once their characters popularity waned and they failed several steroid tests. Plus, Killer Croc accidentally killed his opponent during a pay per view match. Killer Croc is one of those wrestlers who is really really into wrestling and is too dumb to realize that wrestling is fake even though it's his career for several years. He even stops referring to himself by his given name and only goes by Killer Croc, his stage name in the WWE, due to his stupid looking crocodile costume. It's also why he thought he as supposed to kill that guy. Bane and Killer Croc try to make a new career in Hollywood by making cameos in some of those dumb parody movies made by the Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc people. Those gigs didn't pay well but they got to hang out with Charlie Sheen a lot. The also launch a remake of the syndicated TV show Thunder in Paradise which was cancelled even faster than the first one was. Unable to make it in showbiz, the two briefly work as male prostitution in a Nevada brothel, but quit because all of the clients were gay dudes or fat women. Broke and unemployed, Bane and Killer Croc decide seek revenge on the man who wronged them: Vince McMahon. Wrestlemania is coming to Gotham and the two are going to sabotage it--with MACHINE GUNS! But first they'll have to win in the ring against Batman and his tag team partner, Commissioner Gordon. This will give us a chance for some shirtless Commissioner Gordon. Yum yum!

Mr. Freeze

Mr. Freeze

It's been a terrible winter in Gotham City and a former Winter X games contestant and professional snowmobiler is using his mad skills to commit heinous crimes throughout the city. He is committing these crimes because his girlfriend is a cold bitch and a gold digger, making Mr. Freeze a tragic figure. The police can;t catch Mr. Freeze because their squad cars aren't built for winter performance. Batman can stop Mr. Freeze, but first he needs to learn how to pull off a wicked half pipe.

Mad Hatter

Mad Hatter

I was thinking the Mad Hatter could just be a psychotic Tom Petty fan, but then someone on the internet suggested getting Owen Wilson for this role and making the Mad Hatter a pedophile. I say just make Owen Wilson a pedophile.

Penguin

Penguin

Terror strikes the Gotham City Zoo. Someone is breaking into the flightless bird exhibit every night and having sex with the penguins. At first, Batman is the main suspect. To clear his name and stop having criminals snicker when he captures them, Batman hunts down the penguin fucker. The clues lead him to a portly aristocrat with a fondness for tuxedos and umbrellas, leading to the big showdown.

Riddler

I think you could keep the Riddler if you made him a physcopath and made all his riddles really lame. Oh wait, that's how Riddler is now. I always disliked Riddler. I think he's the poor man's Joker. You bring him in only after you've already done with the Joker, like they did with Batman Forever after Joker died in Batman. Riddler sucks.

Snowman

Turns out there was a one time Batman villain by this name who was the son of a Yeti and a human woman. That is beyond awesome. I don't care if you Snowman is too out there for this version of Batman, I say fuck you, it's a half-Sasquatch. Snowman could be Batman's evil equal. He studied in the same ninja school that Bruce Wayne did, but left early because the League of Shadows was quote "gay to the max" and he could totally tell that Ra's al Ghul was really the white guy and not the Asian guy who like just sat around and didn't talk like quote "a lame ass bitch."

Snowman will arrive in Gotham City ready to reek havoc. Batman will try to stop Snowman, but Snowman will totally kick Batman's ass because he is half-Sasquatch. With Batman dead, Snowman will be free to do what he always wanted to do, host motivational seminars instructing people to "Seize the day, everyday!" but are in fact attempts to get money from people so they can sign up to sell his brand of steak knives. The cops will try to arrest him for starting a pyramid scheme, but with Batman out the way, Snowman will be unstoppable.

Superman

Superman

Sometimes Superman exists in the Batman world. Superman could fit into the Nolan Batman films if you didn't give him super powers. Just make Superman some jerk who goes to the gym, like, everyday. He'll be really buff but also a tremendous asshole. He'll hog the equipment, never wipe off his sweat, and always have to listen to really shitty speed metal. He'll also make fun of the fat people who recently joined and are trying to lose weight, so they never come back to the gym. He'll constantly be oogling the women working out too. And when they look at him in disgust, he'll flex his huge arm muscles. That's Superman's idea of flirting. He'll also say the word fag a lot as well as always talk about his quads and how much he can bench.