A Visit From Bob SagetJohnny and I were at Dumb Baby headquarters watching the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget. We enjoyed the show even though most of the comedians weren't any good. Did you see that one comic who did the joke about Danny Tanner/Bob Saget being gay and the Olsen Twins being whores? Oh wait, that wasn't one comic, that was all of them but two. The really old actress whose name I don't know was funny when she pointed out that she had an Oscar and everyone else on stage was a nobody. I'm sure that made Jeffrey Ross cry. Johnny said that is was interesting that Dave "Joey Gladstone" Coulier didn't get to perform and had to sit in the audience even though he is a professional comedian. Apparently, he and Bob Saget aren't friends. I noticed he had a joke prepared during that segment where they interviewed people arriving to the roast. Clearly, he had a routine written up because when he was invited, he assumed he was going to be on stage and got all excited. When he found out he was only going to be in the audience, I bet he cried. I assume comedians are all crybabies. Norm MacDonald killed with his bit consisting of jokes that were intentionally not any good. This is opposed to the other comics whose jokes were bad but unintentionally so. The reason Norm got the biggest laughs was due to his hypnotic stare, it was the same trick he used on Weekend Update when a joke bombed. He would stare at you, with those black beady eyes, and you'd be hypnotized until you had no choice but to laugh. This is also how Norm MacDonald gets women to fall in love with him.
After the program concluded, Johnny and I did what we do most nights, watch Degrassi DVDs in the dark. We were halfway through that one episode where JT and Toby act like a gay couple when they was a knock at the door. This was unusual because no one ever knocks on my door. We answered it, and who should be there standing in the rain, but Bob Saget himself. You could recognize him anywhere with that beak nose, short black hair and seven foot tall height.
"Hi, I'm Bob Saget," he said. "Mine if I use your phone to call a tow truck? My car broke down back there. I guess I shouldn't have stuck my fucking dick in the carburetor."
Johnny and I both laughed. Oh, here's the man who played lovable father Danny Tanner in the family sitcom Full House, and in real life he possesses a crude sense of humor and swears a lot. Talk about entertainment! We had to inform Bob Saget that he couldn't get a tow truck until the next day because the only tow truck in town was owned by Herb the Retard and he always sleeps from 8pm to 3pm the next day.
"Well shit," said Bob Saget, "looks like I'm going to have to sleep outside tonight, maybe suck a cock for some food money like I did before I got hired on Full House."
At that point Johnny and I were on the floor as we couldn't stand up due to all our laughter. Oh, what won't this man say?
"There's no need for that," I said. "You can stay in the guest bed we have in the basement." Jason Mewes usually sleeps there, but the cops learned he likes to stay here so he's hasn't been around in a while. It was still pretty early in the night, so we invited Bob to watch TV with us. You may have noticed that Full House is shown on, like, five different cable channels, so you can watch it for 16 hours a day, as I often do. Of course, we ended up watching Full House with Bob Saget, which was an incredible opportunity. He regaled us with behind the scenes stories from the show. Like the time in 1993 when he refused to wear clothes on the set due to contract negotiations, or the time in 1989 he told Dave Coulier to come over here and then punched him in the stomach.
"The Olsen twin's parents were always on set when we filmed a Michelle scene," Bob told us. "But this one day they were late 'cause of traffic. Mary-Kate and Ashley asked where their mommy and daddy were and a producer and I decided it would be funny if we told them they were dead. And it was, it was really funny."
"There was this director in the early seasons who was a real dick, always making us stay late to get the scene 'just right.' It pissed us all off how he actually gave a shit about the show. Stamos found a way to get rid of him. This was back in the day before most people knew you could manipulate pictures with a computer. But Stamos knew a guy who had Photoshop and he whipped up a picture that made it look like the director was alone with a naked Mary-Kate. I don't know how the investigation turned out and I don't care. The important thing was that the director was suspended and never came back to work."
Bob Saget kept on talking about Full House. It got kind of disturbing pretty quick, to tell you the truth. I don't think I'll ever be able to watch another episode without having some pretty upsetting thoughts. But since reruns of Full House don't stop playing until 4am, we couldn't get him to stop. Johnny and I really wanted to go to sleep, but Bob didn't want to as long as reruns were on. He called us both sissies for being tired. When I got up once he yelled about how much I sucked and that I should die of AIDS for wanting to go to bed. I was like, "Dude, I just need to go the bathroom." Bob then made a crack about how I must have to sit down when I pee. Johnny laughed, but I think that partly had to do with the fact that he was scared of Bob Saget. As was I.
After there were no more episode playing on cable, Bob Saget let out a long stream of VERY LOUD obscenities while searching the on TV channel listings in vain. "Alright, time for bed," Bob said, getting up. I showed him how to get to the basement and Bob Saget started taking his clothes off on the way there so he was completely naked before he reached the stairs and disappeared underground.
"Wow," Johnny said to me, "We got to meet Bob Saget."
We had breakfast the next morning. Despite having to stay up so late, Johnny and I were ready in the morning and sat down for a meal of eggs, sausage, toast, and orange juice. We set a plate for Bob Saget who came into the kitchen still naked. He looked at the meal and pushed the sausages aside, saying that Johnny and I must be gay because we like sausage so much. He then took his fist and moved it back and forth in front of his mouth to simulate cock sucking and then bent down and did the same thing over his ass. This didn't make a lot of sense since those little breakfast sausages are shorter and thinner than a man's penis and also you bite down and chew breakfast sausage.
By this time you can understand that Bob Saget was getting on our nerves. Johnny's bedroom is right above the basement guest room and he told me he kept hearing noises from downstairs, lots of banging and howling. He said it also sounded like Bob Saget went to the bathroom every fifteen minutes.
"I don't know what he was doing down there and I don't want to know," Johnny told me.
"If you guys aren't complete homos I have a way to prove it," said Bob. Johnny and I listened eagerly; with all the times we've been called gay it would be nice to be done with those rumors. What did Bob Saget want us to do?
"You can fuck my daughter."
Johnny and I would have been shocked, but this came out of the mouth of Bob Saget and his shtick was getting old.
"Umm...how old is your daughter?" Johnny asked.
Johnny and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. Of course.
"Hey man, it'll be cool," Bob said, "I fuck my daughter all the time. I'm head of the household, it's my right."
Johnny and I had enough at this point.
"Ok, Bob Saget," I said. "We get it: you're trying very hard to get away from the wholesome image Full House gave you. And sometimes, yeah, you're funny, but...it gets old after, like, ten minutes."
"You're trying way too hard," said Johnny. "It just makes it really forced."
What happened next was quite unexpected. Bob Saget broke down in tears and curled up on the floor in a fetal position. For real. This was only the third time we have had a naked 50 year old man crying in our kitchen. Johnny and I tried to console him.
"It's ok," Johnny said, petting Bob's hair. "We aren't trying to be mean. We like you, really we do. Don't we, Billy?"
"Oh yes, yes," I lied. "You're a funny comedian, a very funny comedian."
"I just want people to like me--me!," Bob sobbed. "I'm not Danny Tanner! I'm not DANNY TANNER!"
"We know," said Johnny. At that moment, Bob wanted a hug but we tried to avoid it because he was nude.
It took several hours of consoling, but Bob Saget finally stopped crying and got dressed at 3pm, just in time to call the tow truck. Johnny and I watched from the stoop as a reinvigorated and upbeat Bob Saget stepped into the passenger seat of Herb the Retard's tow truck.
"Goodbye Bob Saget," Johnny and I said in unison as we waved him goodbye. "Get home soon and have sex with your daughter."
As the two truck began to leave, Bob Saget popped his head out the window and gave us a thumbs up as he said, "I sure will, Billy and Johnny. I sure will."