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Why I Fucking Hate the Sega Genesis

Today I downloaded Sonic the Hedgehog 2 on my Xbox 360, and it got me thinking of my long-forgotten Sega Genesis. When I say mine, I mean my dad’s Sega Genesis that he stopped caring about and that I would play on the weekends at my grandma’s house. Now back then, in my childhood days of the mid-’90s, I was utterly enthralled at the collection of games I had access to. Now, however, I look back and realize: I fucking hated the Sega Genesis. Here’s why.

Beavis and Butt-head

Beavis and Butt-head was a side-scrolling adventure game based on the titular show. Hehe. Titular. This game tasked you with finding all of the missing pieces to your GWAR concert tickets. I played this game when I was no older than ten; I had no fucking idea what GWAR was. Similarly, I had no fucking idea how to play this game. There was basically no way to know what the hell you were supposed to do, much less where to find the pieces of your goddamn tickets. I think I may have found two of them in my entire life. Also? Your two forms of attack are burping and farting. However, each ability is exclusive to one of the two characters. Why can’t they both burp and fart? As a child, this inspired me to pursue all of my body’s functions.

The only vivid memories I have of this game is blowing up toilets and being attacked my old ladies for no apparent reason. In fact, this game had more in common with my childhood than I may have thought.

Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure

I think this game brought my first experience with three things: Pitfall, the Mayans, and zip-lines.

There are a fucking lot of zip lines in this game. When I say in this game, I’m making a pretty big assumption because I never finished the entire thing. Instead, I mostly played up until the part where you can play original, Atari-style Pitfall as a bonus game, played that, and quit. I think that shows the quality of The Mayan Adventure. Comparing the two is akin to comparing Don’t Stop Believing by Journey to Crank That by Soulja Boy; both are songs, but one is awesome whilst the other is causing the fall of Western Civilization. Or the Mayan Civilization. Or Ziplines. Or something.

Also, you may have noticed that I have no fucking clue whether zipline has a hyphen, a space, or none of the above. So I just spelled it differently each time I used it. Luckily it only popped up three times, or I’d have had to use Windings.

Clay Fighter

We had four fighting games for our Sega. Two were Mortal Kombat, one was Power Rangers, and one was Clay Fighter. Somehow, Clay Fighter still managed to be the worst of them, and Power Rangers was fucking Power Rangers. It’s like being the stupidest person in the room when Tyra Bank’s bangs are eating her face in the corner. I mean, when Tyra Banks is also in that room.

Every good fighting game has a character everyone recognizes. This game’s mascot is apparently Pissed Off Snowman, and I say this because he is on the game cartridge and I don’t remember any of the others. I’m assuming his name is Patrick. What a wacky name for a snowman.

I do give this franchise (yeah, it’s a franchise) some points for having one of three Nintendo 64 games whose title did not end in 64. Way to fight back against the white devil.

Toy Story

Toy Story was a film from the time when children and adults could both enjoy children’s movies and CGI films were fucking awesome. Nowadays, if you were to watch a CGI kids’ flick, you would---what? Jeff Foxworthy voices the wacky animal who teams with another wacky animal to go on a wacky adventure? I’ve got to get tickets for this fucker.

Anyway, I had Toy Story for the Sega. It was probably one of the only Genesis games that was actually mine (Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers being the other). It was mostly a by-the-numbers retelling of the movie, and one of the few Sega games I actually finished. Mostly I just wanted to bring it up to note that the Game Boy Color follow-up, Toy Story 2, sucked my ass hard. Or sucked my hard ass. I always get the two confused.

Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park was a side-scrolling platform game with guns that retold the story of David from the Bible. Or Jurassic Park. They’re pretty much the same thing. Anyway, playing it was pretty an exercise in getting ass-raped by dinosaurs----essentially just like a Children of the Corn remake with horny Arizona senior citizens instead of long-haired kids who probably gave their parents nightmares even after the scars from the botched abortions had faded away.

Sonic the Hedgehog (Game Gear)

I won a Sega Game Gear at a VFW Christmas Party long after they stopped selling it in stores, which in part lead to my theory that the VFW is actually a well-covered-up band of time-traveling clones of the guy who made all the funny sound effects in the Police Academy films. The only game I ever had was Sonic the Hedgehog. The third act of the first level is essentially a short trek to a steep hill with a giant crab boss at the bottom. You get, like, ten rings. Ten fucking rings that almost immediately vanish once the crab throws some of his endless boulders at you. There are no more rings. I can’t beat this level.

Fuck you, crab.

Sonic & Knuckles

Yeah, this game is awesome. Yeah, Knuckles is pretty kickass. But this fucking cartridge weighs about as much as an Xbox and ruins my life. Just like your mom.

Sega 32x

You’ve seen this thing. In addition to the fact that it is God’s worst creation since Kristin Bell’s “I’m so cute and precocious and snaky, oh my!” routine (suck it, Veronica Mars fans), I could never play it because it had it’s own fucking power cord and, when I connected it to the Sega Genesis and Sega CD, there were not enough electrical outlets in my town to power the sonuvabitch.

And I really liked Doom, too.

Game Where You Shoot Bricks and Robots on the 32x in the First Person Perspective

I have no idea what this game was called, but it was on the 32x and you would should bricks in the first person until they were gone, revealing a robot behind them who you would then shoot. The robot shot back because, yeah, it’s a robot, but the bricks just got shot. So what’s the fucking point of the bricks.

Finally, the game that brought us all here:

Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Chemical Planet, Act 2

Fuck this level. Fuck Sonic’s inability to swim. Fuck the goddamn platforms that keep switching between solid and dropping you into the instant-death-chemical-ocean-probably-produced-by-a-plant-in-downtown-Detroit, and fuck the way it always drops me into said chemical ocean when I’ve already killed the boss and he’s dead, so fucking just let me finish the goddamn level I mean come the fuck on now.