The Web BtC

It's Daytime TV

Airline. This is a show on A&E about passengers waiting in airports. You’d think a show like this would not be interesting and you would be correct. It mostly features people arguing with that guy who works behind the podium next to the gate. I would hate to do that job for eight hours a day. This guy deals with angry passengers all day who need to yell and him for mistakes the passenger made. Here’s how his life is every day:

Guy Behind the Podium: I’m sorry sir, you’re flight has already departed.
Angry Passenger: What the hell! I paid a lot of money for my ticket! I want my flight!
GBtP: I’m sorry, sir, but the plane has left.
AP: I just got here! I have my ticket!
GBtP: Sir, you were supposed to arrive at the airport well before the flight leaves.
AP: (pointing to his ticket) Where’s it say that?! I didn’t make a mistake here! This is all your fault! I want a flight! Gimme gimme gimme!
GBtP: (looks at his computer) Sir, we’ll be able to place you in a flight leaving tomorrow at 10:00AM. We’ll accept your current ticket and seat you on the flight at no added cost to you.
AP: No. I can’t wait one more day! This is fucking bullshit! Turn the plane around right now!
GBtP: (looks at his computer) Sir, this is the very best I am able to do for. I am sorry. If you like, I can reserve a hotel room for you.
AP: Fine, whatever, I’ll take it. Fuckhead faggot.

Live with Regis and Kelly. Regis Philbin kicks ass. He is such a crotchety old man. He knows this and is and proud of it, too. He’ll end a lot of the random stories he will pepper throughout the show by saying many people won’t understand them because they happened in the 40s. Then Kelly will call him old and Regis will retort in a clever way to call her dumb and insinuate that she should be fired. I agree with Regis, I don’t think that show needs a female co-host. Regis himself is enough sex appeal for anyone of any orientation.

Ellen. My neighbor hates this show. He is always saying that he would never be on that show even if they wanted him to. I am pretty sure they don’t want him, but what do I know? Maybe the producers of Ellen keep on calling him and he is getting pissed off. Maybe he has Tom Cruise’s old phone number. I am kidding of course. This particular neighbor of mine does not own a phone.

The Price is Right. I began watching this show after Drew Carey took over hosting duties. I like the changes he has brought after replacing Bob Barker. The models are no longer known as Barker’s Beauties, they are now Carey’s Cunts. But I mainly enjoy that Drew brings his humor and will make fun of the products on the show. Fuck you, Rice-A-Roni.

I like to think that two television shows that share the same actor exist in the same universe. For instance, Christa Miller played Drew’s friend and romantic interest, Kate O’Brien, on The Drew Carey Show but left to play Dr. Cox’s angry ex-wife, Jordan Sullivan, on Scrubs. I can’t blame her for jumping shows, since ABC continued to produce Drew Carey episodes for a couple of years but didn’t actually air them. I like to think that Kate and Jordan are the same people. My theory is that after Kate broke up her marriage to Drew Carey because he was also secretly married to another woman at the same time, she lost all hope of finding true love. She became a much bitterer person as a result. At that same time her father, Quinn Sullivan, died and Kate inherited his position on the board of directors of Sacred Heart Hospital out in California. Kate used the opportunity to move out west and start her life over, even going so far as to change her name back to her father’s. Her chance to start anew didn’t go as well as he hoped to, because her board position puts her back into contact with her first husband, Dr. Cox. According to the large Drew Carey-Scrubs timeline I have scrawled on my living room wall, that marriage ended roughly at the same point when The Drew Carey Show begins.

I hope there will be a brief scene in an upcoming episode of Scrubs where Jordan is watching The Price is Right and says, "Oh my God, that’s my ex-husband hosting The Price is Right!" And JD will be there and say, "No, Dr. Cox is insulting the interns right now." "No, you dumbfuck," Jordan will say, "my other husband." And then she will briefly talk about her time in Cleveland. JD will be so immersed in the story that he will not notice when the janitor secretly applies superglue to his butt so JD will be stuck to the next chair he sits down in.

As far as The Price is Right is concerned, I like to think that the Drew Carey hosting the show is the character from the sitcom rather than the real life actor. My theory is that after Bob Barker announced his retirement, CBS was worried. The Price is Right has an insane about of games, each with their own complicated set of rules and ways to win, and it would take any new host years to learn how they all work. Bob Barker had been the only host since 1972 and it would be nearly impossible to find someone who could fill those shoes and hit the ground running. A desperate TV network was saved when they got a hold of some Neilson data. According to Neilson’s research, there was a lonely man living in Cleveland, Ohio who had watched more episodes of Price than any other person. In fact, he had seen almost all of the roughly 6,000 episodes since the show’s debut. Les Moonves, CBS Chairman, flew to Cleveland in his personal helicopter to recruit Drew Carey, pleading on his hands and knees that Drew was the only one who could keep the game show going. Drew accepted because the internet company that took over Winfred-Lauder’s offices was too bizarre to work at. Also, being a game show host would pay way better than being an office drone and Drew needed money for his new child that arrived in the final episode.

It seemed that after years of experiencing life’s kicks, from getting sued for sexual harassment to losing the Batmobile to being lost in China, Drew had finally made it. He now has fame, riches, and beautiful women. But, most importantly, as a game show host, he can make people’s dreams come true. He also had enough money to hire a hitman to kill Mimi. Both make him very happy.

Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil is an asshole.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire? This show is still on the air. Remember when it was number one and on several nights a week in primetime? Now it is a far less successful daytime show hosted by some woman I don’t know. It’s obvious the missing ingredient for success is Regis Philbin. With Regis, you get a wildly popular game show, without Regis you get crap. Regis Philbin is the key to success in primetime TV. That’s the reason Jerry Seinfeld’s popular sitcom was known as Regis Philbin Presents Seinfeld.

The only reason he stays on daytime is because he doesn’t want to put all of the many primetime actors and writers and producers out of work, like almost happened before he left Millionaire. After Clerks: The Animated Series was cancelled to make room for Millionaire, Regis knew the responsible thing to do. He knows he has to hold back his powers for the good of humanity.