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The Web BtC

My Letter to Nintendo

Hi Dumb Baby. My name is Roy Campbell. I am submitting an article for your site, and I do hope you will find my article amusing, if not worthy of being posted on your site. I've been a fan of you work for some time, and I would be truly honored if you would care to consider my article. It is a letter I wrote several years ago to Nintendo of America. I received a response, but have since lost track of the reply I received from a customer service representative. She regarded my plight with sincere pity and I thank her for that, where ever she is and whoever cares for her. I will paste my article into the text field of this e-mail, as per the request in your submission guidelines. Please feel free to correspond with me, to offer criticisms, words of praise, or a kind hello.

Dear Nintendo,

Hi Nintendo, my name is Roy Campbell, and I live in California which is in America. I like to play video games, and while I had at one time never owned any of your gaming systems or products affiliated with them, I had played Nintendo a number of times at various friend's and family's houses. And my favorite experience with Nintendo was provided when I had the miraculous opportunity to play Super Mario Brothers 3 for the NES. Or as my friend Bobby liked to call it, "That darn dusty box".

Anyways, the coolest part of that game was when you got to that one level where there were these goombas inside this awesome wind up sock thing, and if you bopped them from underneath they would come out of the shoe and you could get in and ride it. And then you could walk around all over stuff that would usually kill you, not to mention the awesome super high jumping and inability to walk very carefully. But you were in the shoe, it didn't matter if you weren't careful. Plus, Mario looked SO CUTE with his head popping up over the top of the sock.

I beat that level and was very disappointed to see that The Shoe did not join Mario in the rest of his adventure. I was further disappointed to find that nowhere else in the game was I provided with a shoe, and I was so shaken that I began to weep and did not stop for many hours.

I was downright offended when Super Mario World was released for the SNES and the shoe was once more neglected. I was angry, grief stricken, depressed, lonely, heartbroken and defeated all at once. What followed was a 3 year streak of drugs, alcohol, loose women and night after night of crying myself to sleep in a puddle of my own vomit. I hurt my loved ones emotionally, hurt my hated ones physically, and gave less than polite regard to those who fell into neither category.

I woke up one morning in a hospital, my body purged of years of toxins, with the realization that I needed to move on. After several weeks of intense physical and mental therapy I was released. I decided that I needed some closure on this Shoe obsession, and the following week was spent doing research. I found that Nintendo had in this time released a number of new systems, their crowning achievement the Nintendo 64. Bobby, who had already gone through the new Super Mario game, informed me, with as much sympathy as he could while knowing it would break my heart, that The Shoe was not in the game.

I locked myself away, deep from the world that had seen to my complete obliteration, the bludgeoning of my soul, the very violation of my once jovial spirit. I ate nothing but dyed-green clothing fiber and drank nothing but the rainwater that poured in through the numerous holes in my roof. I made paintings, created sculptures, wrote manuscripts, completed entire series of novels, all with one subject: The rise and fall of The Shoe.

I had no idea how long I'd been locked away. Days rolled into weeks which rolled into months which rolled into year after year of a Shoeless existence. Then one glorious day Bobby dropped by to give me a crate of green sweaters he stole from a dumpster at Kaufman's. But instead of giving me the usual secret knock, secret handshake, secret knock number two, secret dance, secret whistle, secret knock 3 and customary "hello" with a quick nod and quicker departure, he informed me of the imminent release of a new Nintendo system, the Gamecube. 128 bits of graphical power. I didn't even know what a bit was. I ran outside and rushed in a fury to the local electronics store, where I beat three truck drivers into comas and stole several Gamecubes.

I took them back to my apartment and painted them all green. I hooked them up and while I owned no games, I lived with the knowledge that Mario Sunshine would be released. Mario had a water blaster. It was innovative. It was unusual. It was unique, just as how I remembered The Shoe from so many years ago. The week the game was released I slept inside the store, hiding from the views of various security cameras and sleeping in a bathroom stall during the days. When they finally came in I was the first to purchase a copy. The woman at the counter had no arguments over my request to pay for the game with a copy of "And There the Last Shoe Stood, a romance novel by Roy Campbell". I took the game home and began to play. I needed no strategy guide, The Shoe would refuse to come to me had I chosen to use one. I played for hours, days without sleep or adequate bathroom breaks. I'd unlocked all that the game had given me to unlock, but alas, no Shoe...

I once again was left without a purpose in life, and decided that if I ever wanted to see The Shoe again that I would need to let the world know about my sad story. I had written anywhere between 7 and 48 books about The Shoe, but after the submission of my fifth book, "Why I Bother to Wake up every 4 and a Half Hours Instead of Laying Down and Dying, a Chronicle of Hope for Shoe Lovers Everywhere" the local publisher refused to allow me within 500 yards of the premises.

And so it dawned on me that I needed to write a letter to the head of Nintendo, somebody with a great deal of authority who would see to it that The Shoe was never again neglected from the series. Sadly, I found no address listings for "Mario Mario" in the continental United States, and thus decided writing a letter to Nintendo would be the next best thing.

Please, in the process of developing your next Mario game, see to it that there is a sufficient amount of Shoe. And I don't mean any shoe, I mean a big wind-up sock resembling device large enough to carry Mario but short enough that half of his head is still clearly visible. He should be able to use this shoe to hop to heights much higher than his standard maximum leap. It should protect him from many dangerous surfaces that would usually injure Mario to an excruciating degree. The kind of pain where your controller starts to vibrate and you turn out all the lights and get cozy for a minute. The Shoe should be green. It should have a constantly revolving wind-up key sticking out of the back. Maybe it should have racing stripes.

I thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and I will be praying each day to the Moon Gods above who gave me life through my "Downward Spiral Years" that you can find it in your hearts to give The Shoe life once again. If your next release including The Shoe goes successfully, I have 54 game ideas involving a starring role for The Shoe, my favorite among them "Super Shoe Attack 3: Revenge of Koopa", but we can worry about that later.

With love, and Shoe bless,

Roy P. Campbell