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Destinies: An Introduction to English

It's tax season again. I recommend you get your taxes done early so you can get your refund sooner. I also recommend you don't cheat on your taxes. I give you this advice from experience. The IRS recently caught on to the scam I was running with Dumb Baby. It's my fault really, I got too greedy. I suppose it was only a matter of time until I got in trouble when I listed Dumb Baby as a church who was disabled in the Iraq War and is now an ethanol plant.

Since we don't have the money to pay the back taxes we owe, Johnny and I have struck a deal with the feds and in lieu of jail time, we'll be performing community service. As our community service, we'll be creating a series of videos to help teach English as a second language to dirty foreigners. The video series will be called Destinies: An Introduction to English and stars the two lovable scamps of this website as they search the English speaking world for Johnny's long lost sister.

Here's a preview:

Destinies: Episode 11: London

The episode opens with a brief recap of the series so far, with narration provided by Pobar Jenkins.

Pobar: Previously, on Destinies: Johnny and Billie went to the store.

Johnny and Billie are seen in a convenience store talking to a cashier.

Billie: Hello, I would like to buy an apple, please.

Cashier: Hello, what color apple? The green apple, the red apple or the yellow apple?

Billie: What kind of apples do you have?

Cashier: Green apple, red apple, or yellow apple.

Billie: Red apple, please.

Cashier: The red apple is three dollars.

Billie takes out three one dollar bills.

Billie: One, two, three. I think I have enough dollars. Help me count the dollars, Johnny.

Johnny: One, two, three. Yes, you have three dollars.

Billie gives the money to the cashier.

Cashier: One, two, three dollars. Here is your red apple.

Pobar: Johnny received surprising news.

Billie and Johnny sit in Dumb Baby Headquarters, now a rare fish hatchery for the Department of Fish and Wildlife. Johnny reads a letter.

Johnny: This letter says I have a sister. But I have never met her.

Billie: You have a brother.

Billie points to a picture above a fish tank of Johnny with his younger brother.

Johnny: Yes I have a brother. A brother is a boy. A sister is a girl.

Johnny points to a picture of Manny Santos taped the wall.

Johnny: A girl.

Billie: Oh yes, a brother is a boy. A sister is a girl. Where is this letter?

Johnny: The letter is in my right hand. My left hand has no letter.

Billie: Where is your sister?

Johnny: The letter says my sister is in New York City. I will go to New York City.

Billie holds Johnny's hand.

Billie: We will go to New York City.

Billie and Johnny stand in a parking lot with a car, a truck and a motorcycle with a side car.

Billie: To go to New York City we must travel in an automobile. Which automobile will we travel in? The car, the truck or the motorcycle?

Johnny: The car, the truck or the motorcycle?

Billie: Yes, the car the truck or the motorcycle?

Johnny: We will travel in the motorcycle. I will drive the motorcycle.

Billie: I will be a passenger in the motorcycle.

Johnny gets in the driver's seat and Billie squeezes into the sidecar.

Johnny: I am a driver.

Billie: I am a passenger.

Billie and Johnny put on their helmets.

Billie: The helmet goes on my head.

Johnny drives the motorcycle.

Billie: Play music from the radio. Music is good. I like to hear music.

Johnny: I hear with my ears. I will turn on the radio.

Johnny puts on the radio. Neil Young plays as the pair drive off into the sunset.

Pobar: Billie and Johnny arrived in New York City.

Billie and Johnny walk into a hotel and talk to the front desk clerk.

Johnny: Hello, is this the hotel?

Clerk: Yes, this is the hotel.

Billie: We would like a room in the hotel for one night.

Clerk: For two nights?

Billie: No, for one night.

Clerk: The hotel room costs ten dollars.

Johnny: I have ten dollars.

Johnny lies out ten one dollar bills on the counter.

Clerk: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Ten dollars.

The manager enters from the back room.

Manager: Do the two people have enough money for a hotel room?

Clerk: Yes, they have ten dollars.

Manager: I will count the dollars. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Billie: Can you count backwards?

Manager: Yes, I can count backwards. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Pobar: Johnny's sister was not in New York City.

Billie and Johnny stand in Times Square and talk to the mayor.

Johnny: New York City is a big city.

Billie: Yes, New York City is a very big city!

The Mayor: I am the mayor of the city.

Johnny: Is my sister in New York City?

The Mayor: No, your sister is not in New York City. You sister is in Washington DC.

Johnny: We will leave New York City. We will go to Washington DC.

Pobar: In Washington DC, Billie and Johnny went on a tour of the White House.

Billie and Johnny tour the White House with other tourists led by a tour guide.

Johnny: Why is the White House named the White House?

Tour Guide: The color of the house is white.

Johnny: Ah, the color of the house is white.

Tour Guide: The White House is the house of the president.

Billie: Is the president white?

Tour Guide: No, the president is black.

Billie: The president is black.

Tour Guide: What other colors can you find?

Billie points to a red flower.

Billie: Red.

Tour Guide: Red. The color of the flower is red.

Johnny points to the carpet.

Johnny: Green

Tour Guide: Green. The carpet is green.

Billie points to a bluejay sitting in the hallway.

Billie: Blue.

Tour Guide: Blue. The bird is blue.

Johnny: I will take your photograph with my camera.

Billie: Photograph?

Johnny: Yes, I will take your photograph.

Billie: Cheese!

Pobar: Billie and Johnny next went to Australia, the land down under.

Billie and Johnny stand outside an airport.

Billie: We cannot go to Australia on a motorcycle.

Johnny: A motorcycle travels on the ground. We will have to travel in the air.

Billie: We will go to Australia in an airplane.

Johnny: An airplane flies in the sky.

Billie and Johnny are in the Outback throwing rocks at kangaroos.

Billie: I hate kangaroos!

Johnny: I will hit the kangaroo with my rock.

Billie: Throw the rock.

Johnny: I threw the rock.

Billie: You threw the rock far.

Johnny: The rock hit the kangaroo.

Pobar: Billie and Johnny then went to England.

The episode begins with Billie and Johnny standing in outside London looking at Big Ben.

Billie: Big Ben is a clock. Big Ben is a big clock.

Johnny: Yes, the clock is big.

Billie: It is a big black clock. (Giggles)

Johnny: (Giggles)

A man and a woman approach Billie and Johnny.

Henry: Hello, my name is Henry. What is your name?

Billie: My name is Billie. This is my friend, his name is Johnny. He is a man.

Johnny: Hello.

Henry: This is my friend, her name is Betsy. She is a woman.

Betsy: Hello.

Henry: We have lost our dog. He is somewhere in the park. Will you help us find the dog?

Johnny: Yes, we will help you find the dog. What does the dog look like?

Henry: My dog is small and brown.

Betsy: The dog is lost in the park.

Henry: The small brown dog is lost in the park.

Johnny: We will find the dog.

Johnny and Billie begin looking for the dog.

Billie: Where is the dog?

Johnny: I see the dog!

Johnny points to a poodle.

Billie: No, that is not the dog. Henry's dog is brown. That dog is white.

Johnny: Oh. I see the dog!

Johnny points to a German Sheppard.

Billie: No, that is not the dog. Henry's dog is small. That dog is big.

Johnny: I see the dog!

Johnny points to a park bench.

Billie: No, that is a bench. Henry's dog is an animal.

Billie hides his mouth with his hand and giggles like a young Japanese woman.

Johnny: I see the dog!

Johnny points to the dog biting a clown.

Billie: That is the dog. The dog is biting the clown.

Billie, Johnny, Henry and Betsy meet up with the dog. The injured clown lies in the grass unconscious.

Henry: Thank you for finding my dog.

Billie: You are welcome.

Johnny: Will you help me find my sister?

Betsy: What is your sister's name?

Johnny: My sister's name is Jenny.

Billie: Jenny is the name of the sister.

Henry: There is a Jenny who works at the zoo. We will go to the zoo.

The four make their way to the city zoo. They point out animals they see while Billie describes what they are doing.

Johnny: There are many animals in the zoo.

Billie: Yes, the zoo is where animals are.

Betsy: What are some of the animals who live in the zoo?

Johnny: Parrot.

Billie: The parrot sits on the tree.

Henry: Giraffe.

Billie: The giraffe is tall.

Betsy: Panda.

Billie: The panda sleeps all day.

Johnny: Snake

Billie: The snake slithers in the grass.

Henry: Monkey.

Billie: The monkey masturbates in a tree.

A Person in the Distance: Bear! Bear!

Billie: The bear…is loose! Ah!

An angry black bear runs loose through the zoo. Tourists flee in terror. The bear runs towards Billie, Johnny, Henry and Betsy.

Betsy: Oh no! The bear!

Henry and Betsy push Billie and Johnny and then flee off camera.

Billie: We are on the ground!

Johnny: The bear is coming! We must get up!

Billie and Johnny get up and run.

Billie: Run!

Billie and Johnny run down the walkway chased by the bear. ”Yakkity Sax” plays. The bear gains on them.

Johnny: The tree!

Billie: We must climb the tree.

Billie and Johnny climb at tree in the zoo to escape the bear. The bear waits at the bottom of the tree.

Johnny: We have escaped the bear.

Billie: Ha ha! You dumb bear!

Johnny rips off a small branch and throws it the bear.

Johnny: Take that, you stupid bear.

Billie: You dumb bear!

The bear begins to climb the tree.

Johnny: The bear can climb the tree!

Billie: Oh no! Hold me!

Johnny: I will!

Billie and Johnny hug each other on a tree branch as the bear nears them.

Pobar: To be continued.

Pobar: Let's review. What does the parrot do? Sits on the tree, sleeps all day or masturbates (30 second pause) Yes, the parrot sits on the tree! What did the small, brown dog attack? Henry, the clown, or the park bench? (30 second pause) Yes, the small, brown dog attacked the clown. Goodbye!