Boycott the Caf / Ranking the Ham-Hams

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Ranking the Ham-Hams

Hamtaro

10/10

The titular hamster for Hamtaro is definitely the best choice. For one thing a show called Oxnard would sound stupid. Also Hamtaro is fucking awesome. He is the Steve Buscemi of the animal kingdom. No matter what is going down Hamtaro is there to stop it, or allow it to continue, depending on what exactly is going down. Like if it's something bad he will stop it or not stop it if the situation is the opposite of bad (good)

Critics may point out the fact that Hamtaro is naïve to the ways of the world, and indeed he is. This is not a fault however. Hamtaro the show is a character piece. Hamtaro the character represents a child's idea of an ideal hero. Ready to help out in the name of good, willing to sacrifice himself for another. As a result of his selflessness he is single minded. While Bijou makes advices Hamtaro inavertedly rejects her because his selflessness does not allow the personal enjoyment known as love. Love would cloud his judgment and heroism for he would be playing favorites. As it is Hamtaro loves all hamsters, and indeed all living creatures who do not cause harm equally, while all villains of the world are disliked equally. This is a straight forward single-mindedness of Hamtaro. His impartiality is his virtue. When Hamtaro finds love then Hamtaro will cease to be a true hero.

Bijou

9/10

Bijou is Hamtaro's main love interest, although Hamtaro's innocent nature makes him unable to catch on to her advances or able to understand the concept of romantic love. Bijou is French but Hamtaro came before the Iraq war so its okay to like her, not like post Iraq war America where we are suppose to not like French people for some reason I'm still not entirely sure of.

The Hamtaro website as well as supplemental sources refer to her as the “ham-ham sweetheart” and “everyone's favorite” which probably really pisses off the other female hamsters. If I know females they'll all act nice to Bijou's face and then call her a whore behind her back.

One of the long standing romantic subplots of Hamtaro, and there are a lot of them, is the fact that Boss has the hots for Bijou but she only has eyes for Hamtaro. You would think this would set up Boss to be Hamtaro's antagonist, always trying to one up the hamster and prove he is the better man. This never happens. Everybody on Hamtaro are friends. So we are left with Boss trying to win Bijou and failing, while she peruses somebody with no interest in her. That one hits kind of close to home to anybody reading this site.

Boss

7/10

Boss thinks he is in charge because he is named Boss and he yells a lot. He is like Bigwig without the raw masculinity and strange tuff of hair. Also why am I comparing him to Bigwig? Normally when you are describing a character you would compare them to somebody well known so that the viewing audience would be able to relate. Nobody knows who Bigwig is. Maybe I should have compared him to a character from Degrassi. No, that shouldn't work either. Great, Dumb Baby has completely screwed up my perspective, thanks a lot internet.

Boss is a maverick. He has no owner and lives a life of freedom underground in a park. That's the dream. Everybody wants to not have any responsibilities and live in a park, although I would rather be like Louis and Oswald from The Drew Carey Show and secretly build a house in the park rather then live in a hole. The other hamsters decided to make Boss's house their clubhouse even though Boss didn't want them to do that. He eventually relented in his objection when he realized it would make it easier to seduce Bijou if she was hanging out at his pad.

Boss is kind of a douche. He tries to boss people around but nobody cares about his bullshit so they don't listen to him. If he wasn't big and always carried a shovel then they wouldn't listen to him at all. As it is they only do what Boss says if they actually want to do what he wants. Boss lacks the charisma and grace under pressure that makes Hamtaro the natural leader of the Ham-Hams.

Snoozer

1/10

Interesting in conception but lame in execution. Snoozer is some dude that wandered into the Ham-Ham clubhouse and started sleeping on a table. He sleeps all the time and occasionally gives advice. This is exactly the same character as the guy on the couch in Half Baked except that guy actually did something once. Snoozer doesn't do shit. He won't get rated higher until he actually gets off his narcoleptic ass and goes on an adventure.

Penelope

7/10

I don't get her. Why does she look like a Pac-Man ghost? Huh? Why? I guess it's a blanket or something. I think the animators wanted to throw a little visual variety into the show and who can blame them? Lets see you draw 12 hamsters and not get sick of it. The problem with Penelope is that they went like the laziest possible way around it. Couldn't they have thrown in a random shrew friend or have her wearing a pantsuit or something. Instead they throw a burka on her and call it a day. Its like they designed Penelope to be able to be drawn in the shortest amount of time. On the other hand I'm pretty sure this is where the idea for the Snuggie came from.

Oxnard

6/10

Oxnard is a tit. He is a complete idiot who fucks everything up and barely ever contributes to society. Not only that but his contributions to society end up making society worse somehow then if he had just stayed home. I don't like him. What's up with the sunflower seed? Oxnard is suppose to be Hamtaro's second in command. He shouldn't need suck a weak gimmick as carrying a sunflower seed.

Oxnard gains points because he tends to be the forefront of Hamtaro related adventures. Like I said, he is Hamtaro's sidekick and despite his incompetence he does a decent job at this, even if its only because he makes Hamtaro look so much better in comparison.

In a fun note Oxnard marries his long time bea Pepper in the last episode of the series. This was only seen in Japan since the show lasted longer over there then in America. Its too bad we never got to see this romance fully develop.

Pashmina

7/10

Pashmina reminds me of DJ from Full House. She's not as flashy or entertaining as the other characters but is important because somebody needs to play the role of a semi normal and responsible person who reacts to all the crazy shenanigans of Uncle Jesse/Hamtaro. Pashmina is like a Ford Tempo. Nothing special but gets you around. She is the adopted mother of sorts for Penelope so its her job to act the most upset when Penelope has to be captures by whatever is threatening her life that week. Pashmina plays this role perfectly

Maxwell

2/10

Maxwell is useless. We already have a smart ham-ham, his name is Dexter and he is more entertaining and has a more developed personality then Maxwell. There's no need to double up on the smart person cliché. One smart person is enough. You don't see Scooby Doo having two Velmas do you? Maxwell brings nothing to the table I tell you, nothing at all.

Dexter

7/10

Now here's the smart hamster who deserves the high marks. First of all he came like 23 episodes before Maxwell, firmly establishing himself as the smart hamster. Secondly he wears glasses. How can you be the smart stereotype and not wear glasses? Come on people, its not science here. Smart people wear glasses. Throw in the love triangle with Panshmina and Howdy and you got a recipe for a great ham-ham.

Howdy

5/10

The third part of the love triangle. He always rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know why. I love Fozzy the Bear's lame jokes but somehow Howdy's lame jokes just never work. Other then the jokes and the loving he has little to promote himself with.

Panda

1/10

What a loser. Does Panda contribute to the show at all? Think of your favorite Panda moments. You don't have any because Panda is a little bitch.

Cappy

3/10

Cappy always wears a hat although sometimes by hat he means saucepan which is much larger then him and isn't really a hat because it covers his entire body not just his head. He is one quarter the size of Oxnard. I bet you didn't know that. Cappy never once says or does anything worth paying attention to. If an episode is centered on Cappy that's a good day to go clean the bathroom because there isn't anything good on tv.

Sandy

8/10

Sandy is sweet. Definitely the second best female ham-ham. She talks like a valley girl and is into rhythm gymnastics. That's two character traits she possess. She also has a long lost brother. His name is Stan. He isn't as cool as her. He's actually kind of a douche but the epic story arc about finding him really made me feel for lonely Sandy. I have a sticker of her on my rabbit cage. That is all.

Stan

6/10

Stan is kind of a douche. He's always running around and hitting on ladies so that's kind of cool but he plays maracas which is really lame. He's like way to hyperactive. If I were a ham-ham I would want to chill and eat sunflower seeds but this dude would be hopping about and hollering and I would have to bust out the BIONIC ELBOW and teach him a lesson or two, BIONIC ELBOW style.

Jingle

3/10

Jingle shows up periodically to say something vague and maybe move along the plot, or not. It doesn't really matter. Jingle is suppose to be appealing because he only shows up every once in awhile and is then mysterious but I think he is stupid. The only thing that keeps his grade from going lower is that he rides a pig and pigs are cool. I don't even consider Jingle a main character. He's only on here because Wikipedia says he's a main character.