Boycott the Caf / The Ham Ham Games

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The Ham Ham Games

Hamtaro is great. I don't think nearly enough of you out there realize this. Hamtaro is completely amazing. Watching an episode of Hamtaro is like being on drugs. Its surreal, nothing makes sense, and you love every second of it. I think if more people were exposed to Hamtaro then there would be more people who would fear for their lives.

To prove my point I am reviewing the "Ham-Ham Games", a Hamtaro special, which was actually the last episode of Hamtaro on Cartoon Network. I guess the fact that Hamtaro is a great show wasn't enough for Cartoon Network. They had to cancel it to make air time for yet another crappy show that's all crazy and random with characters who look wacky and artistic and jokes that are sort of dirty but vague enough to not upset parents. Ooh boy, those shows are sure great, I can't wait for the eventual episode about some sort of bodily function that is sure to delight small children and drunk people. Meanwhile awesome sauce Hamtaro gets cancelled. Well, at least the final episode was epic. Trust me, you will not believe it. I've seen it and I don't even believe it.

We start out at a castle that looks like the cover to a Yes album, where a hamster wearing what appears to be a multi- colored lady bug shell on his back is telling his "faithful cheerleaders” that the Ham-Ham games, an event held in Hamtropolis once every 8,886 Ham-Ham years, is being held this very year and as part of the royal family he will be leading the athletes.

In an English class I once had an assignment where I had to write a sentence that was at least two lines long. I wish I had written that sentence.

The royal Ham shows his cheerleaders a picture of his "hamcestor” carrying the everlasting flame. The hamsters in the background bear a striking similarity to the cast of Hamtaro, but I'm sure that's just coincidence. The everlasting flame is a magic flame that never goes out and brings all ham-hams in the world together. Only a few are chosen to carry it. The cheerleaders say that they know fire safety (stop drop and roll) so they would be perfect to carry the flame.

We then get introductions. The royal hamster is Prince Bo, the females are Ivy, Rosie and Daisy the Rainbow Girls. Prince Bo says that it will be Hamtaro and his friends who will be carrying the flame. He continues that he has a different job for the girls but the fact that they aren't the ones carrying the flame has pissed off the Rainbow Girls so they take off right in the middle of Prince Bo's declaration. Ivy feels that their "atomic orange enthusiasm” and raspberry razzle dazzle” are being overlooked. Don't worry if that sentence makes little sense to you.

Daisy comes up with the idea of stealing the eternal flame and bringing it to the games. Ivy thinks this idea is great and will make everything "peachy pink and back to normal again.” The Rainbow Girls then fly away on their pink butterfly wings.

Wait what?

 

Um, apparently some hamsters have butterfly wings. Don't look at me I didn't write this.

"Hamster with Butterfly Wings" is my favorite Smashing Pumpkins song.

Hamtaro is relaxing on the side of a hill when what appears to be a shooting star streaks through the sky. Shooting star typically don't appear during the day so its probably just a satellite crashing, or maybe something a little more magical. Its actually an umbrella. Hamtaro chases it. When they see Hamtaro chasing an umbrella all the other ham-hams follow him cause hey, might as well go on an adventure. Plus the umbrella will let you skip like ten levels.

Hamtaro catches the umbrella. I'm not exactly sure what happens next. Maxwell opens the letter that was on the handle of the umbrella. Then there is a long distance shot of the group. Then they all are talking about carrying the everlasting flame. I guess he read the letter during the long distance shot, or magic. Elder ham comes along, takes a look at the letter and explains one of his ancestors (or hamcestor I suppose) was a founder of the game. He explains that the games are pretty much the Olympics but held less often. Or maybe not. I'm not sure what the conversion of Ham-ham years to people years is. 8,886 Ham-ham years sounds like a long time but hamsters also only live a couple of years tops. That means a generation to them is about two years, compared to a generation of humans being like 70 years. I estimate that the Ham-ham games were established at most 125 years ago.

To sum up Elder Ham: those who compete at the games gain a close bond with each other, closer then family. The flame symbolizes friendship and is super important yo.

Panda points out that they don't actually have the torch, so they all start looking for it in the nearby grass. A beam shoots out of a rainbow and sets the letter Elder Ham is holding on fire. Hamtaro takes the umbrella handle, beats it against the flaming paper and the handle catches on fire. That's how you carry the flame evidently.

The Rainbow Girls are in the bushes watching. Rosie thinks they should start a rumble and take the flame after roughing up Hamtaro. The other two think the flame might go out if they did that and veto the idea. Instead they are going to bide their time and wait for the right opportunity to steal the flame.

Maxwell for some reason has a map in his book that tells them where to go. Hamcropolis is on an island. Stan thinks this means taking a cruise where he's going to get some major tail and get to wear a Hawaiian shirt. Boss is appalled that Stan has his mind on having fun when they need to get the flame to the Ham-Ham games. This is serious business! He hands the torch to Stan in hopes that the presence of such an important relic of Hamster history will sway his party going ways but Stan just starts running around like a moron. You just can't reach some people. Boss thinks Stan's douchbaggery is going to get them fired. Hamtaro proposes they take turns carrying the torch so nobody gets too tired, also Stan technically already carried it so they don't need to give it back to him.

The Ham-Hams are now wearing bandanas because this show is amazing. They march, while chanting, and passing the torch from one to another while pseudo techno plays in the background. Did I mention this show is amazing?

Carrying an eternal flame is tiring work. Oxnard drops it and falls backward into the group. Only Hamtaro has the energy to leap forward and catch the flame before it hits the ground. Also he nicknamed the flame Sparky.

The Rainbow girls use this opportunity to swoop down and grab the torch. They can swoop because they have wings remember? The introduce themselves. Hamtaro is confused and asks if they are suppose to know who the Rainbow Girls are. Daisy gets angry, calling Hamtaro "Crazy Cranberry,” and pointing out that if they thought they knew who they were they wouldn't have introduced themselves.

The Rainbow Girls explain that they serve Prince Bo and are going to deliver the flame because Hamtaro and his friend obviously don't have what it takes. Too bad the Rainbow Girls are in fact the ones who don't have what it takes because not only do they not know what the eternal flame is all about but Hamtaro is able to sneakily swipe it from them while they debate on its possible uses. Take that bitches!

Hamtaro and his friends start running away but find it difficult. They didn't count on the Rainbow Girl's having wings on account of that not making sense.

Meanwhile Prince Bo has gone to meet with Hamtaro at the place where Hamtaro originally got the message but Hamtaro is of course gone, Hamtaro Hamtaro Hamtaro. Elder Ham used the torch to light a bonfire and Prince Bo takes some of it as a backup in case something happens to the flame Hamtaro has…

which is a good idea since the Rainbow Girls are coming at Hamtaro and his friends like magic flying rodents out of hell.

The Ham-Hams decide to scatter, which is a bad idea since the Rainbow Girls are only going to chase the person holding the torch and also the torch is easy to follow because it is bright and changing colors. You can't hide behind a plant while holding a magically bright color changing torch and expect to not be seen. If they remained together the other ham-hams could at least be human shields and block and swooping attempts to steal the eternal flame. Boss somehow climbs a tree in the Rainbow Girls flight path and starts swinging a branch at them even though the Rainbow Girls are flying and should be able to move much faster then him. If it were a few years ago I would make a "Though shall not pass” joke but that is hardly fresh anymore. Boss is buying Hamtaro time so escape.

Which Hamtaro takes advantage of by leaping through some bushes which unfortunately are right in front of a cliff. He must have forgotten about the old adage "look before you leap because their might be a cliff behind them bushes.” Hamtaro would surely plummet to his death but luckily Oxnard is there. He grabs Hamtaro, but is barely keeping on the cliff himself. Then it happens! The cliff face breaks away Hamtaro and Oxnard are falling, luckily they are saved by pirate hamsters in a flying ship.

Pirate hamsters in a flying ship? What can I say, the writers brought their A game today.

It's the ship of Captain Hamcook. I don't know if Captain Hamcook appeared in a different episode or what but Bijiou says it belongs to him so I'm going to assume she knows what's going on. Maybe she hasn't met him personally but happens to know that Captain Hamcook is the only friendly pirate with a flying pirate ship. Oxnard and Hamtaro take off with the captain. The others are going to have to hoof it to the Ham-Ham games. At this point Cappy says his first line of the show, "Hah, its in the hat now.” Cappy is a completely pointless character.

There are only two members of the pirate crew on the ship because the rest went ahead to the Ham-Ham games to practice. I believe that is their captain on the banner. He is the ugliest drag queen ever. I want to know how the captain and other crew members managed to find a hamster friendly mode of transportation faster then a flying pirate ship.

The pirate ship is powered by coal, I guess, cause the flame in the engine suddenly goes out for no apparent reason. I don't know how many flying pirate ships you've been on but that means shit is going to start crashing. Hamtaro wants to use the everlasting flame to relight the boiler so that he doesn't die but wait! The Rainbow Girls stowed aboard and aren't about to let Hamtaro use the sacred flame to do something mundane like save his life. They don't care if the ship crashes because they can fly. Hamtaro threatens to beat the girls to death with the umbrella handle. Hamtaro thrusts the flame into the boiler and the pirate ship goes into rainbow colored overdrive. The ship flies straight up. Hamtaro and Oxnard fall out of the ship towards an island.

There is a brief scene with the other hamsters. Bijou thinks she hears Hamtaro but nobody else did. She heard Hamtaro because he is in danger and she is his romantic interest, that's what I think. She could just be crazy. They all wonder were Hamtaro and Oxnard could be and hope they aren't in trouble. Also they took off their bandanas.

Hamtaro and Oxnard are okay despite their rough landing. The torch however is in the hands of furries who are violently battling over it. Hamtaro is naive, so he doesn't realize what is wrong with being a furry. Oxnard appears to be very upset about being on this island. He's been around the internet a few times and is creeped out.

It doesn't help when the fighting turns into butt sex either.

Hamtaro and Oxnard confront the furries who are more then willing to give the torch back to people who can kick their asses. The furries are actually pretty excited to meet the torch bearers. Bearers in this case being people who bear the torch, not people who dress like bears.

The Rainbow Girls show up on the island on a raft. I'm not sure why they used the raft rather then flying. Rosie suggests they just let Hamtaro deliver the torch on the basis that he used the torch to save everybody on the ship rather then let them die so he can't be all bad. Also she is sleepy. Ivy points out that as cheerleaders they don't need to worry about being nice just about impressing boys, so they will continue to attempt to steal priceless artifacts in order to make Prince Bo think they are groovy.

The furries show Hamtaro and Oxnard where they train for the Ham-Ham games. The furries won't actually be competing at the games because they are smaller then all other hamsters and feel they are undeserving. Also pictures of cartoon characters having sex aren't going to draw themselves in MS Paint. Hamtaro gives a heart felt speech about honor, pride, and other things furries don't know about, which convince the furries to give it a shot.

The Rainbow Girls show up intent on ruining everybody‘s shit. There is a madcap chase scene through the furries track and field training area. Hamtaro challenges the Rainbow Girls to a race. The Girls get a commanding lead so Hamtaro just sneaks off into the bushes. To thank the furries for their help Hamtaro paper towel roll on fire. Then the rest of the ham-hams get Hamtaro off the island with pigeons.

So now Hamtaro is saved from danger by a bunch of birds? How the hell am I suppose to not make a Lord of the Rings joke? There's also a new hamster named Sabu with them for some reason. He's going to the Olympics to compete in the wrestling events. The pigeon Sabu and Hamtaro are riding sees the Rainbow Girls flying behind them and doesn't know what to think. The Rainbow Girls start dive bombing the pigeons in a series of brutal attacks. The hamsters minus Sabu get knocked off the pigeons and land in a desert. Say what you will about this episode, but you can't deny that it moves at a neck break speed.

Despite falling thousands of feet into the middle of a sand storm Hamtaro is doing fine. Well he's stuck up to his neck in sand but he gets out of it pretty easily. The Rainbow Girls are nearby slowly sinking into quicksand. Even worse the eternal flame is nearly extinguished. Being a humanitarian (hamsteranitarian?) Hamtaro wants to save the Rainbow Girls rather then fire. Rainbow Girls are more then willing to sacrifice their lives so that he can save the torch because they are dumb bitches. Hamtaro can't let a fellow hamster die, even if the hamster has been being a jerk to him all day.

Hamtaro saves the Rainbow Girls by burrowing through the ground which makes a jack hammering sound for obvious reason. He pulls out the girls but alas, the torch has gone out! Daisy is super pissed but Hamtaro points out that he can't just let people fricken die, no matter how important the magical fire from the gods is. This shuts her up. At this point the rest of the Ham-Hams come from behind a sand dune. Way to not show up 30 seconds ago when you could have helped save lives or eternal flames.

Hamtaro is mourning the dead torch like its his first puppy. Bijou says that she is sure Prince Bo will forgive Hamtaro. If anybody should be blamed it's those drat Rainbow Girls. Hamtaro didn't do anything wrong here they‘ve been mucking this thing up since the beginning. Prince Bo randomly shows up and the Rainbow Girls take all the blame so good. They aren't entirely evil I guess. They ruined everything but at least they didn't shove all the blame on Hamtaro, like the time I screwed up at work and all those people got salmonella and instead of admitting that I never wash my hands I blamed the Mexican guy and claimed he was illegal. He wasn't illegal but I said he was anyways just because I wasn't willing to fess up to my actions.

Prince Bo says not to worry. He assumed Hamtaro was going to fail and secured a back up flame he was going to give to the Rainbow Girls to carry. He was about to tell them that when they walked out on him. Trouble is his flame has also gone out! Oh noes! Being the competent leader that he is Prince Bo breaks down in tears.

Sabu randomly shows up again, this time he randomly has the furries with him. They've all got torches now. Remember when Hamtaro gave them torches? The pirates are there as well, also with a bunch of torches. The lesson we are suppose to learn is that it is important to have friends and the best way to make friends is to set things on fire. The flame symbolizes your friendship and I'm sure you do not care about symbolism in episodes of Hamtaro, what's important is that the flame has been relit.

Prince Bo uses his umbrella to create a rainbow road that leads to a mountain that suddenly appears out of no where. Why not, it's the end of the episode, lets just go nuts with the zaniness. With Hamtaro leading the way they all run along it, careful to not fall off since there aren't any walls. Along the way they encounter that one hamster with the guitar riding a pig. There is no reason for this to happen.

Hamtaro climbs to the top of a giant torch and sets it aflame with the eternal flame admit a chorus of cheers from everybody in attendance. The episode ends with the viewer realizing that even though the special is called the Ham-Ham Games we don't get to actually watch any of the games.

Well, we do get a few still frames depicting the events during the credits. When they show the foot race the furrie is in last place. Looks like he shouldn't have bothered coming, fucking loser.

Rating:

1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000/10

Final Thoughts:

This is the mother fucking best episode of Hamtaro which means it's the best episode of anything ever. Hamtaro is breath-taking. There is just so much insanity packed into it and I'm not talking about that fake Aqua Teen Hunger Force insanity where random things happen because somebody someplace decided random = funny. No this insanity is sincere. Somebody in Japan sat down and in seriousness thought that flying hamsters made sense. That flying pirate hamsters made sense. That any of this made sense. None of it makes sense. I can easily tell when somebody is being crazy for the sake of being crazy and when somebody is sincerely being crazy and there is nothing more sincere then Hamtaro.

This might not have been the last episode of Hamtaro ever, but it was the last in America. it's a shame the show was cancelled but I can tell you, there is no more epic way it could have gone out. The pinnacle of everything that is Hamtaro is here. If you are the kind of person who likes shows like Hamtaro then you need to see this episode. Even if you don't like Hamtaro you need to get drunk and see this because it will blow your mind. Blow the fuck out of it.